


Brother Behind Me

by Splivy



Category: Avengers, Avengers Infinity War Part One - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, avengers endgame - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Because Thor is dead, Bruce is just trying to keep it all together, But Loki is doing his best, Character Death, Fix It Fic, Flashbacks, Hallucinations, Hurt Loki, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki is a mess, Loki starts seeing Thor and it’s sad, Past Torture, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony can be an asshole, Torture, except this isn’t really fixing it, just exploring an idea
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2019-12-31 22:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 59,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18323015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splivy/pseuds/Splivy
Summary: This wasn’t how this was supposed to be. It should never have been Loki that survived this.Or, in which I explore the idea that Thor dies instead of Loki in Infinity War and how that will work.





	1. Mourning a Loss I’ve Never Had

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, starting another story even though I suck at updating my series I’ve started with Loki/Steve. 
> 
> It’s okay, I’ll keep it all going, just might be slow updates. 
> 
> ENJOY!

This wasn’t how this was supposed to be. It was never meant to be Loki who survived this. Thor didn’t deserve this. But somehow, still, this is how it was. 

Ebony Maw held Loki back as Thanos pressed a stone to his brothers head, tearing him apart from the inside out. His screams echoed through space, sending spikes of pain through Loki’s heart. He struggled against the master torturer’s grip, trying with all his might to get away, to get Thor away. 

“Stop this,” he yelled. “You have it, the Tesseract is yours, what else could I possibly give you?” 

He knew he was begging at this point. And in all his years being in Thanos’ grasps, being shaped to be his perfect soldier, he never begged. He let the torture happen, he let the violation of his mind happen and his memories be altered, but this... no. He couldn’t handle this. 

Thanos suddenly stopped his magic tearing through his brother’s mind, and he looked down at Loki, a smirk spreading across his features. Loki stopped breathing, because it was then he remembered what he was promised so long ago. 

Thanos dragged Thor’s body towards Loki, and Loki struggled harder, trying to reach for his magic, but too depleted to get even a spark. He felt blood trickling down his head from a wound he got in the fight.

When Thanos dropped the thunder god in front of Loki, Ebony Maw’s grip tightening, he stopped breathing. 

A giant purple hand reached down at him, grabbing his chin and forcing him to look. “Oh, child,” he breathed. “Did I not warn you all those years ago. Did I not promise you?” 

Loki felt one tear slide down his cheek. “Please,” he whispered. 

Thanos stared at him a moment, a look almost akin to sadness twisted his features. “I told you, frostling. I would make you long for something as sweet as pain.” 

And with that, Thanos let go of his chin, a giant boot slammed down on Thor’s head, and the sound his brothers skull made as it collapsed against the force was enough to make Loki scream. Blood pooled around them, and he struggled to breathe. He was distantly aware of Heimdall and Bruce watching in horror as they lay on the ground, wounded, unable to do anything. 

Maw let go of Loki, and he fell forward against Thor’s chest. Thor’s chest that was no longer moving, a heart no longer beating, his head a caved in mess of blood and bone. He didn’t even watch Thanos walk away, his children at his side. He didn’t watch him open a portal and leave them there, stranded, the ship vibrating with power about to unleash. 

All Loki did was stream tears, and yell profanities, and scream, because this was not right. He was shaking his head, mumbling something, but he didn’t even know what he was saying. He felt Thor’s blood on his face from the force Thanos’ boot made against him. 

The next thing he knew, he was being pulled away with a force of magic, magic he could only suspect was Heimdall’s sending he and Banner away before the ship could explode. 

He heard himself yell, but it was muffled, like he was so far away. 

And then... nothing.

...

“Bring me back!”

Loki was yelling, screaming. He was barely standing, and he could feel Banner’s gaze on him from behind. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care he looked like a maniac in Central Park of New York screaming at the sky. “Open the Bifrost! Heimdall, take me back!”

He wasn’t breathing, but somehow he was mustering enough air to scream. 

“Loki,” he heard Banner’s small voice behind him, and he whirled around on him. The doctor looked cautious of this. 

“Don’t,” Loki seethed. “Don’t tell me to calm down.”

Bruce held his up his hands, as if to protect himself against the feral looking god of mischief, who still had tears dried to his cheeks and crusted blood that he knew wasn’t his. “Okay, I’m not. Just-“ he didn’t know what to say, and for some reason that pained him. 

Loki took deep breaths, realizing on his own he needed to get control of himself. He looked up at the sky again, but he didn’t scream, he didn’t yell, and he didn’t cry. Just looked, pain the only thing familiar in his gaze, the only thing he felt. His heart seized, and he exhaled shakily. 

He swallowed, Adam’s apple bobbing against his neck. He wanted to wish them peace in the halls of Valhalla, but he couldn’t get it out. 

This wasn’t right. It was not supposed to be him standing here. It wasn’t right.

“Are you ok,” Banner’s voice broke through his thoughts, but he didn’t reply. He just looked at him. Banner nodded, looking down. “Alright, stupid question.”

The god had calmed down, but for some reason that was more cause for concern. 

“What the-“ a voice Loki vaguely remembered yelled, and he didn’t want to do this right now. He couldn’t do this right now. “Wait, Bruce?”

Tony Stark came strolling up behind Bruce, and Loki still hadn’t moved. 

“Shit, Loki?”

“He’s fine, Tony.”

“Fine? What are you talking about? How are you even here, we thought you were dead?”

“Tony-“

“And what is crazy reindeer games doing here?”

“Tony, please-“

“Shit, how do we-“

“Tony!”

And like that, silence enveloped the trio. Loki could hear his heart pounding in ears, and it angered him. His heart should not be the one still beating. He was breathing a bit more normally now, but he was still all too aware of Thor’s dried blood on his face. 

He could still feel the doctor’s eyes burning holes in the back of his head, but he could also feel Stark’s gaze of hatred. 

Loki could mourn later. 

“They will be coming here,” was all he said. 

“Who,” Stark asked. “What the hell is going on?”

Bruce spoke before Loki could. “Tony, we’re gonna need somewhere to... settle.”

Settle... Loki didn’t like that word. How could he ever settle again. 

Tony nodded, still looking at Loki with disdain. He led them.

...

Tony led them to what Loki remembered to be Stephen Strange’s home, or place of “business”. Strange was giving him the same look of hate that Tony was, but there was also a sense of understanding there. 

Bruce sat Loki down on a soft surface with a gentle push of his shoulders. He wasn’t even aware he was doing it until the doctor began to assess the gods injuries. 

It was then that Loki became aware of how much pain he was in. His left wrist felt shattered in most places, and he was pretty sure his right knee was somehow out of place from the fight, but the adrenaline from it all kept him going, kept it all at bay. 

He looked down at himself, his clothes were torn, and there was blood spattered about his hands, blood he knew wasn’t his. The same sore wrist was bruised with patches of blues and purples. It must be broken. Banner was moving it around, but Loki didn’t respond to the flare it elicited. He just kept staring at his brother’s blood drying and crusting against his skin.

He took a deep breath, looking away. Bruce’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. “I saw you limping,” he said. “Can you show me where you’re hurt.”

Loki didn’t. 

“I could help you, Loki, but you need to let me.”

Loki scoffed, dark humor filling his head as he turned his eyes to him. “Help me? No one can do that now, Dr. Banner. And the one man who could isn’t here.”

Is dead.

He heard the doctor sigh. “I’m-“ again, he was speechless. It was strange, to see Loki this way. He remembered a time when he was a crazed maniac who would do anything to hurt his brother. But in the two weeks the refugee ship wandered space before Thanos attacked, he was nothing like that. He was... polite. Maybe not kind, but he was polite. And Bruce could see a drive to genuinely help his people and see Thor become the king he always could be. 

Now Thor will never get that chance. 

If anything, it seems like the line of succession falls to Loki now. He wasn’t going to mention it, however. Now wasn’t really the time. Not to mention there wasn’t many Asgardians left to rule. 

He knew more than half of what was left after Hela had died, but he also knew a sliver of them made it to the escape pods with Valkyrie. 

He couldn’t stop picturing Thor’s death. 

He didn’t deserve to go that way. 

He left Loki alone, for now. 

From there, he explained everything to Tony and Strange.

...

“So to recap,” Loki distantly heard Tony say from where he sat. “You all escaped a trash planet, fought off Thor’s crazy sister, and then got attacked by a mad man seeking magic stones.”

Loki didn’t miss how he left out Thor’s death of that explanation. He heard Bruce confirm it. 

There was a silence after that, and Loki turned to see why. 

Tony and Strange were staring at him, but Loki could tell they didn’t know what to feel towards him. Bruce shifted on his feet, clearly uncomfortable. 

Before Loki could say anything, however, Banner spoke. “Look, I know Loki isn’t anyone’s favorite person right now, but trust me. He’s fine.”

“Since when are you two buddies,” Stark asked. 

“I’m only thinking about the safety of this city,” Strange said. 

“Well,” Loki finally spoke, but it didn’t sound like him. It sounded distant, somehow muffled. “Then I can assure you, I am no longer your biggest problem, nor am I any longer a threat.”

Tony scoffed. “Right, and we’re just supposed to trust you?”

“I never said you had to trust me. In fact, it would probably be best if you didn’t,” he said, and he looked at Banner, but he didn’t know why. “However, I have information you need. Valuable information.”

“Enlighten us,” the wizard said. 

Loki took a deep breath, finally standing from his seat. His knee flared a new pain, but he welcomed it. “The magic stones, as you so called them, are stones of immense power that when used alone, can cause catastrophic damage. Together, however, they are extremely dangerous. Their power is enough to destroy whole planets. They’re called infinity stones. If Thanos is able to gain all of them, then there will be no fighting him.”

Stark looked concerned. “You said he had two.”

“Yes.”

“How many are there?”

Loki swallowed. “Six.”

“Shit,” Stark whispered, rubbing at his eyes with his palms. “Okay...”

Loki looked at Strange then, and the ex-surgeon lifted his chin, as if in defiance. The gods eyes slid down to the necklace around the wizard’s neck. “Your friend is wearing one.”

Stark and Banner looked at him, then to Strange, who glared knives at Loki. 

Stark spoke up. “Well, what’s stopping us from destroying this one, then this titan never gets what he wants.”

“Absolutely not,” Strange seethed,his fingers wrapping around the amulet holding the stone. “I am sworn to protect this stone at all costs.”

“Which one is it,” Banner asked. 

Loki looked at him. “Time,” he answered. 

Stark turned his eyes to Loki. “What are all them?”

Loki almost didn’t want to answer. He wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was because there was still that fear that if Loki told, if Loki kept talking, Thanos’ army would be there to punish and tear him apart, only to put him back together to do it all over again. 

He swallowed. “There is time, held by your wizard. The rest are soul, reality, space, power, and mind.”

The mention of mind stone gave him shivers. 

“And Thanos has...,” Stark asked.

“Power, and space.”

“The mind stone,” Stark whispered, as if to himself. Loki narrowed his eyes at him. 

“Yes,” Loki said. “The mind stone is on Earth. Which means there are a total of two here. Your planet is a giant target for the Mad Titan to compromise.” 

“The mind stone was in your scepter.”

Shivers crawled up Loki’s spine, and he could feel Banner looking at him. “Yes.”

Banner knew, a bit, about all of this from the first time Loki admitted to Thor, Heimdall, and Valkyrie that he took the Tesseract from the vault. He had explained to them why, and told them all about Thanos and his mad search for unimaginable power. 

Banner could deduce why he’d never said anything before. His best guess was he was tortured to silence. He was sure there was more than that, but he didn’t ask for any elaboration.

“Then where are the other two?”

Stark didn’t stop asking questions, now, did he, Loki thought. “I know where the reality stone is, but no one knows where the soul is. Trust me, I’ve looked myself.” 

Strange furrowed his brow, and Loki wondered what he was thinking about, but he didn’t ask. 

“Why didn’t you say any of this your first time parading through New York with your army of uglies?” 

Stark’s voice had become defensive at this point. 

“It’s complicated,” Loki answered.

“No, it’s not,” Stark bit out. “Because he sent you. Because you were working for him. You were doing his deed.” Loki tried to block our Stark’s words, but they sparked an anger in him that he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to hold back. Stark went on. “You kept this all to yourself.”

“Tony,” Banner said. “Maybe we shouldn’t-“

Stark was in Loki’s face at this point, and Bruce could see him trying to stay calm, but when Stark said his next words, he knew he would lose it.

“I mean, you may as well have killed Thor yourself.”

Loki screamed, a wave of magic he didn’t know he had sent Stark flying back, his back slamming against the stairs. He grunted as he made contact. 

Banner was already at Loki’s side, who was falling to his knees in exhaustion, eyes void of any more emotion. Strange was looking between the two as if he were bored. Loki’s breath came out in thin, short gasps. Banner could see his green eyes rolling into the back of his head, and he lowered him to his back on the floor as he lost consciousness. 

...

Banner tended to Tony as Loki was moved to a couch in the main room for him to rest on. He could see how angry Tony was, how hatred just steamed off of him like an aura ready to light. Strange had gone off to research about the soul stone and where it could be. 

Bruce sighed, cleaning off a cut on the billionaire’s head from the impact. “You shouldn’t have said that, Tony.”

The man scoffed, face scrunching in disgust. “Seriously, when did you two become buddies?”

Bruce rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t call us buddies,” he said. But, they were a friendship of some kind. They had gotten a little closer on the Statesman before everything went to hell. 

He remembered this one time, Loki was working on the bottom deck, trying to get the AC working again after it had shut off. Bruce could tell then he was highly uncomfortable, and he could only guess it was because of his actual physiology. Thor had told him.

The thought of Thor sent spikes down his spine. 

Bruce had helped Loki get things back on track while they both sweat like cold glasses on a hot summer day. They had talked then, bonded almost. 

Much to Bruce’s surprise, they had a lot in common. 

“Well,” Tony’s voice pulled him back to the present. “You ran to his side and not mine after he attacked me.”

“He didn’t... attack you, Tony, it’s complicated.”

Tony laughed, eyes laced with fury. “He sent me flying towards a stair case. It almost hurt more than when he threw me out of a god damn window.”

Bruce had to give him that one. “Tony, you practically provoked him.” 

Tony didn’t reply to that.

Bruce kept going. “Listen, I know Loki isn’t someone easy to forgive, and I’m not saying I have either. But, I think after this, he’s been through enough. You weren’t there, Tony.”

He could see it now. Loki struggling with everything he had to fight off that monster holding him from Thor, Thanos tearing Loki’s brother’s mind apart. 

And then Thanos’ boot slamming down, Loki’s howl of pain, of desperation. His screams.

Bruce swallowed, closing his eyes. He pushed the memory away. “Tony, he is mourning. Mourning a loss I don’t think he’s ever quite experienced before.” 

Tony looked down, and Bruce was sure he caught a glimpse of shame there. “And you,” Tony asked. “How are you?”

Bruce swallowed again. “The way he died, Tony...” his voice cracked, and he felt tears burning his eyelids, but he didn’t let any fall. “I can’t get it out of my head.”

Tony looked understanding, and Bruce was sure he was mourning too at the news. Thor was everyone’s friend.

Oh, he can’t imagine everyone else finding out about all of this.

Speaking of...

“Where is everyone,” he asked.

Tony winced, and Bruce felt hopeless at the look.

“You’ve missed a lot,” was all the man said. 

“Fill me in.”


	2. A Second Battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of Thanos’ children come looking for the stones, another battle happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter two.
> 
> Warning for scenes of torture and graphic violence.

Bruce Banner has been through a lot in the past couple of weeks, and he can’t even really recall how long he resided on Sakaar. The only one who could possibly have an answer to that would be Valkyrie, but she isn’t here. Wandering through space on the Statesmen in hopes to find resources and allies while they journeyed to Earth was a lot to handle, for someone who used to live in a small little hut running from SHIELD. 

He’d seen war, he’d seen Hela and her army of the dead murder thousands of Asgardians in her reign as queen. He’d befriended Loki somehow, become even closer with Thor only to lose him. He’d seen a mad Titan crush Thor’s skull in with his giant boot. 

But this... this was ridiculous. “What do you mean, you broke up,” he asked Tony, who winced at Bruce’s tone. “Like a band? Like the Beatles?”

Tony sighed, standing up from the chair Bruce had been examining him after the Loki incident. “It’s much different from that, Bruce, alright?” He sounded annoyed. “Look, basically, Steve became a fugitive because he refused to sign the Sokovia Accords, I fought him, the Avenger’s split up. That’s basically it.” 

Bruce knew he was leaving something out, something important, but he didn’t push on the matter. Tony wasn’t someone to push when he didn’t want to talk. 

He saw Tony reach into his pocket and pull out a flip phone. “Why the hell do you have a flip phone, Tony?”

Tony looked down at it, a shadow crossing over his face. “Rogers gave it to me in case I ever needed him.”

The doctor felt a spark of hope flitter in his chest then. “What are you waiting for, Tony, call him. Now.”

He saw Tony’s fingers grip the phone, his knuckles going white. “I don’t know if I can,” he said, and Bruce caught a hint of agony in his tone. 

Bruce sighed, feeling for him. But unfortunately, the planet didn’t have time for this drama. “Look, I’m sure whatever happened between everyone is important, and I’m sure you’re hurt. But this is bigger than any of that, Tony. This is the fate of the planet and planets beyond ours. This is the universe.” He paused, taking a step closer to the millionaire. He gently placed his hands on the one gripping the black, vintage phone. Tony looked at him. “Call him,” Bruce whispered. “Please.”

At that, Banner saw realization click in Tony’s eyes. He knew he had to call. 

Tony just nodded, and opened the phone. He stepped away to take the call.

Bruce took this opportunity to check on Loki, who was still unconscious on the couch behind them. He sighed again, rubbing his eyes, feeling exhausted. God, he needed sleep. 

Although, he wasn’t sure if sleep would happen for him. 

He walked towards Loki to check his temperature, but as soon as the back of his hand touched Loki’s forehead, Loki shot up, alert on his feet. Banner stepped back, palms held out as if in surrender. “It’s just me, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to spook you.”

Loki took deep breaths, narrowing his eyes at him. “It’s fine,” he mumbled. 

It definitely wasn’t.

“Are you ok,” Bruce asked. “You really had me worried there for a moment.”

Loki frowned at him. “Worried, Doctor?”

God, Banner thought, his voice was empty, so void of any emotion. This wasn’t the Loki he remembered. “Yes,” he answered. “Are you ok?”

Loki appeared to genuinely consider the question, but after a moment, nodded his head. Bruce knew he wasn’t, but didn’t push. Loki peered over Banner’s shoulder to see Tony quietly talking on the phone. He looked back at Bruce with questioning eyes.

Bruce sighed. “He’s calling in everyone else,” he said, slightly cautious. He wasn’t sure how Loki would respond to all his previous enemies coming up for a reunion. “It’ll be fine,” he added. 

Loki’s head was somewhere else, Bruce could tell. But Loki nodded nonetheless. “Right,” he said. 

A moment of silence enveloped the two, and Bruce could see Loki biting the inside of his cheek, unsure what to say. “Loki,” he started. “I’m sor-“

“I wouldn’t, if I were you,” Loki interrupted, his voice taking a darker tone. He looked down at Bruce, and he could see the god trembling, though it was little. “At least, not now.”

Bruce nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.”

Loki closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He exhaled as Tony came to join the pair, and he opened his eyes again at the millionaire’s voice breaking through his thoughts. “I called Rogers. He’s getting everyone else together and flying in.” 

Bruce nodded, feeling a little lighter at his shoulders. “Good,” he sighed. 

However, just as the tension was beginning to die down, they heard a rumble from outside, almost as if from an engine. 

Loki’s shoulders tensed, and Banner could feel pure rage and anger radiating off of him. “They’re here,” he seethed through clenched teeth. He started to run towards the door, but Bruce clenched his arm and pulled him back. 

Loki looked at him like he’d grown three heads. “Loki, stop. You can’t fight them, not now.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You’re magic isn’t even back yet, what do you plan to do?”

Loki opened his mouth to reply, but found he had nothing to say. “I don’t know, I don’t...” he wrenched himself out of Banner’s grip. “I have to do something.”

Tony spoke then. “Yeah, we all do. I get it, alright. Vengeance is the only thing on your mind-“

Loki bared his teeth, pushing himself up in Stark’s face. “You do not “get it”,” he growled. “You do not.”

Stark looked guilty for a split second, but put his game face back on in an instant. “Just, calm down, alright. We’ll figure something out.”

Just then, Strange came through a portal, stepping out with his cape waving. “A spaceship just flew into our atmosphere.”

Together, they all head outside.

...

Loki’s chest was vibrating with anger. He knew it would be Thanos’ children and not Thanos, but he still had things to settle with them too. 

He remembers so vividly, still, Ebony Maw’s tortures. They were much more intricate than anyone else’s. 

When they made it outside, it was chaos. People were running away from the circular ship that was slowly descending to its landing. There were screams, cars crashing, one of which almost crashed right into them. People tripping over one another, leaving the rest to perish at their own fate. 

It was disgusting. Humanity is always broadcasting its love for one another, to be there for one another, but when it comes time to actually showing it, it’s suddenly every man for themselves. 

As they made their way closer to the ship, he could feel Banner staring at him, as if making sure he wouldn’t break. Loki didn’t know if he would or not. It was... wrong. It shouldn’t be him fighting at their side. He should be the one dead, and Thor should be here in his place. 

But it wasn’t like that. It was this. And he would have to do his best to keep it together long enough for him to have Thanos’ heart ripped out of his chest. 

After that... he didn’t know. He will cross that bridge when he got there. 

Right now, however, they were standing across from Thanos’ children, the Black Order, however they weren’t all here. 

He forgot to mention them, didn’t he?

Ebony Maw and Supergiant stood side by side, as if purposefully presenting themselves as the enemy. 

Loki took a deep breath, and they all made a stop across from them, the wind from the engine of their ship blowing trash and debris around the vicinity. 

Ebony Maw spoke first, and Loki forgot how bone shivering his voice was.

“Ah, Laufeyson. I thought we might meet you here,” his voice chilling. He smirked, taking a look at who he was surrounded by. “Ironic, isn’t it?”

Loki clenched his fist. He still didn’t speak, because he worried if he opened his mouth he might just scream instead. 

A dark chuckle reverberated from Maw’s chest. “You, who used to fight those you now reside by. Shall I remind you, frostling, why that was?”

Loki lifted his chin, as if in defiance, as if to say, bring it on. 

Maw just chuckled again. “We come here to present to you and Earth’s people their savior, to prepare them for His coming-“

“Shut up, Squidward,” Stark interrupted. “Earth is closed today. You better pack it up, and get out of here.”

Loki glanced at him, cautious, then back at Maw. 

“Stone keeper,” Maw addressed Strange, who looked back at him, defiance bright in his stance. “Does this chattering animal speak for you.”

Strange stepped forward. “Certainly not, I speak for myself.” He brought his hands together, his magic igniting. “You’re trespassing in this city, and on this planet.”

Maw’s smirk only widened. He sent his eyes back at Loki. “And you, Jotuun runt?”

Loki wasn’t sure if it was because of his anger or his determination, or perhaps even both, but he mustered up enough of his magic to summon daggers in each of his hands. “You took the one thing that could ever make me stand by you again.” 

Maw smiled, as if he wanted that to be his answer. “Then we will have to fight.”

Just then, Supergiant took a big step forward, swinging his curved axe that sent a car flying. 

At the same time, Loki could see Banner out of the corner of his eye trying to summon his beast, green growing up his neck, but getting no further.

Tony glanced at him. “Dude, where’s your guy?”

Banner stopped, throwing his hands up in defeat. “I don’t know, we’ve sorta been having a thing.”

“What,” Tony asked. “There’s no time for a thing,” he said, giving Banner a pat on the shoulder. “That’s the thing right there, let’s go.”

Before Banner could try again, however, Supergiant ran forward, and Tony gave a pull at some strings hanging from his jacket, and his suit that Loki remembered very clearly began to spread about his body. He set up his repulsers, shooting the giant back a couple feet. 

From there, the fight began. 

Loki went his own way when Maw managed to push Tony far back, Banner following after him. Strange has his own portals doing their own thing. 

Loki didn’t really care about them, he had one thing on his mind. 

He went straight for Maw. 

However, Maw saw him coming, and sent a nearby piece of debris right at him. Loki ducked, and it landed in a heap behind him. 

“Loki,” Maw drew out. “I think it’s time we settled our score.”

Loki clenched his teeth. “You should have never touched me.”

Maw laughed, and Loki engaged. 

Immediately, the two were fighting, Loki swinging his daggers, Maw blocking them. Deep down, Loki knew he wasn’t a match for Maw, not when it came to his ability of telekinesis. That wasn’t going to stop him trying.

Loki could tell Maw was drawing him in. He refused to use his own magic and stuck to just fighting with fists. Loki fell in it, he didn’t care. He just wanted Maw to suffer, he wanted to tear the creature apart, rip his lungs out his chest. He still remembered his long, calloused fingers holding his back, holding him immobile while Thanos crushed his brother’s skull.

He screamed, finally managing to knock Maw to his feet. He drew out another dagger, falling down on top of the master torturer, ready to slit his throat, feel his warm blood on his hands. 

Before he could get his knife anywhere near the neck, however, Maw finally used his ability to send the dagger out of his hands, flipping Loki over to where Maw now hovered above him. 

He felt Maw form debris into shackles, pushing them into Loki’s wrists, pinning him down. He struggled to get out of their grip, but it was futile. He felt knees push against his ribs, a bony hand caressing his cheek. He flinched away, but Maw clenched his jaw, forcing him to look at him. “Have I not taught you, child? You can not fight me. Your are nothing.”

Loki struggled to draw breath, this very position reminding him too much of what he endured his first time around in Maw’s control. “Frostling,” he cooed. “Shall I recall your memory?”

His hand slammed against Loki’s forehead, and he was lost.

He was restrained to a rock, back bent at an odd angle as a group of Chitauri tore into his chest cavity, taking apart anything they could find, anything they could touch. His screams echoed about the room, and when one of the Chitauri’s fingers gripped around a rib and pulled, the pain was enough to draw him to oblivion.

He was shackled to a metal chair, a metal, spiked contraption forcing his jaw wide open, slicing into his gums when he tried to move. Ebony Maw was circling him, smirking. “You lied again, Frostling. You looked your master straight in the eye, and lied.” Loki struggled, twisting his wrists in his restraints. “If you can not speak truthfully, you will not speak at all.” 

And with those words, Maw pulled out a thick scalpel, cutting Loki’s tongue out.

He was hanging from the ceiling by his wrists, at least five feet up off the ground. Maw once again was to be the one to accompany him in this session. He’d feared Maw the most. His tactics and methods were brutal.

Maw summoned what looked like a giant screw, thick at one end and coming down to a point. Loki whimpered. He knew what that was for. He licked his lips, mentally preparing himself. 

“If you simply accepted him as your master, this could end.” 

Loki was trembling, but still he said: “no.”

Maw smiled, crusty, rotten teeth on display. He set the point of the screw against Loki’s stomach, and his magic was used to push it against his skin. He grunted as it forced its way to draw blood, but as Maw’s magic continued to push it further and further in until it made contact with the wall behind him, Loki screamed. Screamed and howled and cried, tears streaming down his face. 

Blood poured out his mouth, he choked on it. 

It was hours before Maw stopped. 

It was then he lost hope. Lost hope that anyone would come for him. 

All seeing Heimdall, he thought. Surely, by now, someone would have come. Thor... he missed Thor. Why did he ever let go? Why did he allow this to happen?

Maw studied him, narrowing his eyes. “I know what you’re thinking. Someone will come for you, surely.”

Loki pulled at his restraints, but that just pulled him up against the thing in his stomach, and he whimpered again. Sweat coated his body, his hair sticking to his forehead. He was struggling to draw breath.

“Oh, child. You are trash. Space garbage. Thanos plucked you from void, gave you purpose, and yet... you refuse to act upon it.” 

At that, Maw’s hands glowed with dark magic, his shackles disappearing, all his weight falling onto the screw. 

He screamed through clenched teeth, and he tasted blood. However, through the pain, through the cotton that was his thoughts, he said, “my will is my own.”

Maw sighed, and shook his head. He didn’t say another word, just left Loki to ponder in his situation.

He was back in New York, back to the present, Maw’s nasty face hovering over his. He was gasping, and he felt sweat build up on his forehead, nausea attacking his stomach. “You can not break me with this,” he said. “I survived once.”

He screamed in anger, pulling his hands out of the debris cuffs, kneeing the creature off of him. Maw grunted, falling to the side of the god. 

Loki wrenched himself shakily to his feet, summoning another knife. He managed to make contact with Maw’s shoulder, who yelled at the impact. Before he could react, Loki had another dagger in his other shoulder, then the center of his back, into his spine. 

Before Loki knew it, he had his hands wrapped around Ebony Maw’s head, and he pulled, hearing a crack and a pop, a ripping sound, blood, and then a thump as his head was wrenched off his shoulders into a heap on the ground. 

He stumbled backwards at his own force, and his back made contact with a car behind him. He slid down, resting against the cool metal at his back. He was gasping, there were tears running down his cheeks, and he was sure he was sobbing. 

He tried to force the memories out of his head, but he couldn’t, even at Maw’s death, they would never go away. 

He calmed his breathing slightly, and he looked up. Across the street, people he recognized such as Captain America and Natasha Romanov, but also some he didn’t, were staring at him in horror. Bruce and Tony was there too, but they had a different approach to the situation. 

The wizard, however, wasn’t there, and Loki knew the time stone was gone. 

He looked back down at the bloody mess, then back to the Avengers. He shook his head, ignoring them, closing his eyes and resting his head against the automobile.

He would deal with it later.

He would deal with it later. 

Right now, he allowed himself to weep.


	3. Pain Never Fades

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki fills everyone else in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it seems a little late. :( 
> 
> I’m super busy with work and classes and I got sick. I’m back.
> 
> SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING: mention of suicidal thoughts at the end of this chapter
> 
> ALSO THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO COMMENTS AND ENJOYS THE STORY! Thank you for the kudos and bookmarks and EVERYTHING! 
> 
> I wanted everyone to know that I do read the comments but I struggle to reply because I’m so busy. But I do read and APPRECIATE EVERYONE! :)

Bruce could feel his heart pounding against his ribs, he could feel his skin prickle with goosebumps, and he could feel the tension in the group around him. Somewhere in the battle, Steve, Nat, and Clint had flown in from the quinjet, throwing the Supergiant off focus, giving Strange the chance to send him somewhere far away with one of his portals. Someone named Peter apparently came into the fight at some point, but Bruce didn’t know who he was. 

However, the ship that Ebony Maw and the giant flew in on must have taken on a mind of its own, a bright light beam surrounding Strange and taking him away. 

Taking the time stone with him. 

From there, they had all gone off in search of Loki, a sense of worry taking over Bruce’s senses. That sense of worry was justified when they all rounded the corner of some debris to catch Ebony Maw being thrown off a very distressed Loki. Bruce was about to jump into the fight, but took a step away when Loki summoned a knife and took at least seven stabs at the creature’s back. 

He felt like puking when Loki wrenched the man’s head clean off his shoulders.

He heard someone behind him actually vomit, but he didn’t turn around to see who. 

Loki sobbed, dropping the decapitated thing onto the ground, falling back. Bruce watched him slide down to the floor, his back resting on the destroyed car behind him. Loki only sobbed more, struggling to pull in air, and Bruce could see he’d gone even paler than before. 

Something must have happened to spurge Loki on like that. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was. 

Blood was everywhere. It pooled out of Maw’s neck, creating a puddle around Loki, who had calmed slightly, but was still gasping. His head was resting against the metal behind him, and his eyes were closed. He had a look of pure anguish. 

It pulled at Bruce’s heart.

“Holy shit...” Tony whispered, and the young Peter looked at him. 

Bruce still didn’t turn to see the look on the other’s faces, but he could imagine what they must look like. 

“What do we do,” he heard Natasha ask. 

Bruce hesitated, but took a step to go towards Loki. Before he could take another, Tony’s suited hand grabbed his elbow, pulling him back. “What are you doing,” the genius asked.

Bruce looked at him, and he could see his mask was off. “I’m gonna go talk to him.”

Tony looked at him as if he’d sprouted another head. “Do you wanna get your head ripped off?”

Bruce rolled his eyes. “He’s not going to hurt me.”

He heard Clint scoff, and he was going to defend the God, but he decided that was a problem for another time. 

“Bruce,” Nat said. “Look, we haven’t seen you for a very long time. We thought you were dead. We’re just looking after you.”

“He won’t hurt me,” he defended. “Trust me.”

“It’s not you we don’t trust,” the captain said, his shield at his arm. “He’s clearly unstable.”

Bruce sighed, taking his arm away from Tony’s grip. He gave them all a look of understanding. But still... “you guys may not trust him,” he started, and he really didn’t expect him to say what he did next. “But I do. He is fine, I just gotta talk to him.”

No one said anything more, and he took that as his cue to advance towards the distraught god. 

His steps were cautious, slow, and he tried to keep them as quiet as possible. He held his hands out as if in surrender, as if to portray to Loki he wasn’t a threat. 

The closer he got, the more he could hear Loki’s trembling breath. His eyes were still closed, and blood coated his clothes. The stench of blood hit Bruce’s senses hard, almost causing him to take a step back. 

But he didn’t. He kept going forward. 

As soon as his feet hit the puddle of blood, Loki heard him. His eyes snapped open, wide, unseeing. Bruce halted his movements. 

“Hey,” he said. “It’s just me.” Loki continued to pant, staring at him. He saw him lick his lips. “Are you okay?”

Loki made a sound in the back of his throat that Bruce thought must have been a laugh. 

Stupid question, he thought. 

“You’re wounded,” he said, gesturing towards the blood running down the man’s face from a head wound. “And I’m sure you’ve got more. I want to help.”

Loki took in a raspy breath, only for it to hitch. 

“Loki,” he said softly. “You’ve got to breathe, alright.”

He took another step forward. 

“That’s it,” he said, noticing Loki take better inhales than before. 

Another step.

“Keep breathing.”

He was now kneeling next to Loki, who hitched slightly, but kept taking deep breaths.

“Good, Loki. That’s good.” 

Loki was off somewhere else entirely, he wasn’t really seeing Bruce lean down next to the god. He placed his hands on Loki’s shoulders as if to convey to him that he wasn’t alone, but as soon as his fingers made contact, Loki flinched back, nearly hitting his head against the debris behind him. 

“It’s just me,” he said, keeping his hands in place on his shoulders. “Bruce, Bruce Banner.”

The two just sat there for a while, Bruce guiding Loki back to awareness, and Loki fighting through the cloud that must be his thoughts. Bruce wondered what Thor might have done in this situation, but the thought sent a pang in his chest, and he let it go. 

Though, a part of him wondered if Loki was thinking the same thing. He was sure this wasn’t the first time something like this happened to Loki. According to the stories Thor told the group of his little brother as a child, he wouldn’t be surprised if it had. 

Again, he sent thoughts of Thor out of his mind, resetting his attention back on Loki, who was still trembling slightly, but breathing better. He looked at Bruce, eyes wide, but there was finally recognition there. He took in one final deep inhale, and let it go slowly. Bruce squeezed one of his shoulders a bit. “You with me,” he asked.

Loki blinked at him, and Bruce saw sweat coating his forehead then. Loki’s eyes went over Bruce to the group of superheroes watching him with disdain and fear, and then his eyes slowly slid down to the decapitated creature, blood continuing to puddle around the pair. 

Bruce guided his eyes back to him, and the doctor couldn’t help but think how young Loki looked. He didn’t have the same aura or “kneel before me” attitude as he once had. He looked vulnerable, and he looked lost. Like everything he ever cared about was suddenly gone, and he didn’t know where to go or what to do. 

Bruce knows. Bruce had been there.

“Are you okay,” he repeated. Loki didn’t speak, but he nodded slowly, his green, wide eyes still on Bruce. “Let’s get back inside.”

Bruce helped the god to his feet, and he guided the man’s shaky legs to the group.

...

Loki wasn’t sure how he’d gotten back to Strange’s home, but somehow he did. He was sure Banner had helped him at some point. He remembered faulty breathing, trembling that rattled his bones, fear that sent a spear through his chest, piercing his heart. 

He remembered blood, calloused skin under his fingers as he pulled, pulled as hard as he possible could. He remembered tears streaming down his face, and he could still hear his shameful sobs echo in his ears. 

But then he remembered a soothing voice, a kindness that he didn’t deserve guiding his muddled thoughts back to awareness. For a moment he hoped, he begged, that it was Thor. But it wasn’t, and it never would be again. Thor was dead.

Thor was dead...

Thor was dead...

Thor was dead...

He kept repeating in his head, because he still wasn’t sure if it was true, still wasn’t positive that it had happened, but it did, and he would never get it out of his head. 

His brother’s crushed skull will forever be engraved in his brain, and it would never go away. 

Not until he had Thanos dead at his feet. 

Though, it probably still won’t go away, and that’s what hurt his chest even more. No matter what vengeance he gave himself, Thor would still be dead.

He was sitting in a cushioned chair. Bruce was steering close to him as they talked amongst the group about what had just happened, and what would happen. 

There were multiple of them that he recognized, but one he didn’t. He saw Natasha Romanov keeping her hand at her haltered gun, Captain Rogers nervously picking at his suit, and Barton giving him death glares from the side. 

There was one boy, he was very young, also wearing a suit. The suit resembled that of a spider, but it had multiple technologies in relation to Stark’s own, so he was sure it had come from him. He believed the boy’s name was Peter, he thought he heard. 

It didn’t really matter to him. 

Nothing mattered anymore except having Thanos’ head on a pike.

“So,” Steve Roger’s voice broke Loki out of his reprieve. “Thanos, you said.”

Loki realized then he was addressing him, and probably had been for nearly thirty seconds. He shook his head, and bit his lip a moment before speaking. “The Mad Titan is another name. He tends to prefer that address. You can imagine why.”

His voice didn’t sound like his own. He wasn’t sure it was. 

“You said he had stones,” Natasha said, her arms now crossed about her chest.

“Infinity stones, yes,” he answered. “I’ve already been through this once.”

“Then do it again,” Barton bit out, and Loki looked at him. He wasn’t sure what to do with Barton at the moment, but he really didn’t want to deal with it now. 

He nodded despite his annoyance. “They’re stones of infinite power, hence the name. If Thanos gains access to all six stones, there will be no hope.”

“Uh,” the boy chimed in, clearly awkward. “How many does this guy have?”

“Last I... saw him, he gained two. I am sure by now he has managed to retrieve the Reality. There are only three more, and considering Strange was taken by the ship, I am positive in saying that we will not get the Time before he does.”

He could still feel Bruce continuing to glance at him out of the corner of his eye. It was annoying, but for some reason it was... helpful. 

“What would be his next course of action,” Romanoff asked. 

Loki heard the hint of accusation in her voice. Of course she’d ask Loki that, considering he worked for Thanos. She knew that. 

He answered anyway. “I suspect he is now trying for the Soul stone. Don’t ask me where it resides, because I do not know. Unless he in fact does not have the Reality yet, then that would be where he now journeys.”

“And you know where that one is,” Tony said. 

Loki nodded.

Silence enveloped then for a moment, all wanting to ask the very obvious question, but not knowing how to. 

He could tell they were uncomfortable. And he couldn’t blame them. He had no right or any place to ask them not to be. But he was no longer this planet’s biggest threat. He never was. 

“Where,” Romanoff finally asked. She was residing close to Barton. 

“Nowhere,” he said.

Rogers frowned. “What do you mean nowhere? It has to be-“

“No,” he interrupted, his voice taking on a now annoyed tone. “It’s a place.”

“Hey,” Barton started. “Don’t get all hostile, alright. We’re in this position because of your ass.”

“You think I don’t know that,” Loki bit back. Clint seemed surprised, along with everyone else. Bruce leered closer to him, which only annoyed him more. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment to gather himself. “Look, I realize no one here has any obligation to listen to me, but it is your planet at stake, not mine.”

“You have things to lose too, you know,” Peter said.

Loki made a sound in the back of his throat, and he wasn’t sure what it was. “No, child, I don’t.” 

Silence again.

No one said a word, because they all knew. 

Thor was dead. His home planet was gone. His population, which was already shortened by Hela’s forces, was now even smaller due to the Thanos’ wrath. He had no parent to look to. No friends. Nothing.

Nothing...

“I quiet literally, have nothing,” he whispered. “The only thing remotely close to mine is my rage. If you can’t trust me, trust that.”

Trust my rage...

He swallowed. It hurt. His chest hurt. Everything hurt. 

He was sure then the conversation would be over, but Steve Roger’s voice broke through the silence. “So how do we get to Nowhere before Thanos does.”

Loki shook his head. “There is no technology advanced enough on Midgard that would get us access.”

Rogers bit his lip. “What if I knew where we could find advanced technology?”

“Oh no,” Stark interrupted. “No way.”

“What,” Rogers asked. “It’s the best shot we have.”

“What do you speak of,” Loki asked. 

“He means Wakanda,” Romanoff said. “It could work.”

“What’s a wakanda,” Peter asked, voice small. Tony gave him a pat on the shoulder. 

Rogers looked at Stark, almost pleading. “We to try, Tony.”

Tony clenched his jaw, clearly angry. There was something between them all that set a rift in their relationships, Loki could see. Again, he didn’t really care. 

“Dammit,” Tony cursed. “Alright. Alright.”

“I’ll get the jet ready,” Clint huffed, clearly just wanted out of the room, away from Loki’s vicinity.

Stark began to have his own conversation with the boy, probably telling him he wasn’t going. Natasha, Steve, and Tony followed Barton to the jet. 

Bruce put a comforting hand on Loki’s shoulder, who brushed it off. Bruce didn’t look hurt. Loki took another deep breath. 

“My apologies,” he told Banner. 

Bruce waved his hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it.”

“After the attack,” he started, but was hesitant. “Ebony Maw has a way with... manipulation of the mind. It affected me more than I thought it might.”

Loki saw realization in Bruce’s eyes. “Oh,” he said. “You mean your panic attack.”

“It was not,” he said through clenched teeth, not finishing his sentence. “I just mean... that has not happened to me since I was a child.”

“Ok,” Banner said, a little confused with where the conversation was going. “I don’t-“

“I am trying to say thank you,” Loki said quickly. Another deep breath. “For helping me out of it.”

Keep taking deep breaths. Breathe the air that Thor will never breathe again. 

“Oh,” Banner realized, clearly taken off guard. “Um, no problem.”

Loki nodded, starting to head away from Bruce, but Bruce grabbed his arm, and Loki stopped, confused. “What?”

“For what it’s worth,” he started, his voice gentle. “I don’t think this is all your fault.”

Loki’s chest stung. He stopped breathing for a moment, looking at Bruce Banner like he was crazy. He opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out, so he pinned his lips together tightly. 

“I’m your friend, Loki. I hope you know that.”

And with that, Bruce walked away. 

Loki just stood there, his chest constricting. He didn’t know what to do with that. 

...

Once they were all on the quinjet, buckled in and ready to go, Loki felt exhaustion take his body. His eyes continued to slide closed at his body leaned forward. But every time his eyes closed, he saw Thor’s crushed skull. He saw Thanos laughing. He was back in chains, the Chitauri tearing into him. 

He would never find peace again. 

Romanoff was flying the plane, Barton in the co-pilot seat, talking quietly to each other. Tony was sitting next to Peter, who must have convinced him to let him come, and Rogers was on the far end, all three of them across Loki and Bruce. 

Bruce was seated next to him, watching him carefully. “You need rest, Loki.”

Loki shook his head, refusing sleep for now. He heard Bruce sigh. “Loki, it hasn’t even been twenty four hours since...” he stopped. “Since. It’s okay.”

Loki pursed his lips, biting his tongue. Maybe if he bit hard enough, he’d choke on his blood. He shook his head again. 

Bruce didn’t ask again. 

He felt his eyes slide closed again, but this time, a flash of Ebony Maw crossed his vision, and Loki felt metal on his wrists, shackling him down.

He flinched awake, gathering the attention of everyone else. He clenched his jaw, ignoring their stares and Bruce’s obvious concern. He brought his hand through his hair, then pushed him palms into his eyes, hard. 

He took a deep inhale, and released his buckling, standing to his feet.

Sleep was not an option. 

No one said a word the whole ride, and Loki paced the whole away. 

He never felt Bruce’s eyes venture off of him.


	4. Bearing No Pain Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki slips.
> 
> Bruce tried to defend Loki.
> 
> Loki slips even harder
> 
> Also, they make it to Wakanda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter! I won’t be able to update this weekend at all, probably not for another week. Sorry!!!
> 
> Enjoy! Someone recently made me feel really good about my writing, and spurred on a longer chapter than my usual ones. At least it feels like it.
> 
> Enjoy!!

As hard as he tried, Loki did end up drifting off during the ride to what the humans called Wakanda. 

Memories paraded through his mind, poisoning his sleep. Ebony Maw was towered over him, pulling his heart out of his chest, a wide smile spread across his lips, Loki choking on his own blood but never getting the sweet respite of unconsciousness. 

He was flat, the cold feeling of the aluminum table rubbing against the skin of his back. Even colder metal bit into his wrists as he tried to twist them free. Thanos was there, promising him release of pain for a while, but only if he answered his questions. 

Loki doesn’t remember what they were.

He was hung upside down, the Chitauri “having their way with him,” as Thanos liked to call it. They sliced deep into his skin, letting the blood drip slowly down his body onto the already bloodied ground beneath him. 

He was drowning, not in water, but in the thoughts that plagued his mind. Thor was there, telling him what a disappointment he was, how he was never a son of Odin. He crushed his skull with his hammer. Frigga soothed him, only to tell him she never loved him. Odin continued to tell him he was nothing but a pawn in the political game of Asgard’s peace with Jotunheim. 

‘your birthright was to die.’

Thor was looking down at him, as he hung from Gungnir, only to have his not-brother fling him down into the void. 

Then Thanos was there, telling him, “don’t you see, little god?” as if to convey to him that he never mattered. That Thanos gave him new purpose, and if only Loki would accept it, then he would be free of pain. Loki would refuse. 

It usually didn’t elicit a good response.

Even when he did break, when he did accept this newfound purpose Thanos gifted him with, the pain didn’t stop. Next was the training, the preparing. 

He was on the ground, writhing while something ate at the lining of his stomach. To “resist interrogation” Thanos had told him, should it come to that. “Don’t make a sound,” he said. “I will only make it worse the louder you scream.”

It took many tries, too many for Loki to remember, but eventually, he stopped screaming. 

He was put through simulations. Thor was usually there, telling him he loved him, that it was okay, they could fix this. 

Loki fell for it every time. 

“This is your weakness, Loki,” Thanos would say, right before plundering through his mind, searing pain coursing through every nerve, every fiber of his being. 

“Again.”

“Again.”

“Again.”

He failed every time.

“My patience wears thin, Silvertongue.”

“I will not fail, I will not fail, I will not fail-“

“You already have.”

He would scream, and he can’t remember why. But it was usually bloodcurdling.

...

Bruce sat by in the flight and watched Loki sleep. He seemed fine, for now. But Bruce wanted to be there, in case at some point he wasn’t. 

It wouldn’t shock Bruce, if Loki were to fall fit to nightmare. He just didn’t want the rest to see, for Loki’s sake; wanted to be there to catch it before it could start, spare him everyone’s stares.

“You trust him,” someone said, and Bruce shook himself out of his thoughts. 

“What?”

He realized then, it was Clint. 

The archer had moved from the co-pilot side, Nat still in the drivers seat. He was leaning against the frame, arms crossed over his chest. “You trust him,” he repeated. It wasn’t really a question.

“Yes,” Bruce answered anyway.

Steve looked up then. “That’s a strong word, Bruce.”

Annoyance flared in him then. “Yeah, I know. And it’s rightly used.”

They seemed surprised at his defense, but didn’t question it. 

Barton, however, didn’t want to stop. “How do we know he’s not faking?”

Bruce frowned. “Faking what?”

Clint’s hands gestured to Loki, who was still fast asleep, thought Bruce could see his eyelids flutter. “Him, being all...”

Bruce stopped him. “I was there, Clint. I watched that monster kill Thor, kill his brother, my friend,” he broke off, voice failing him. “Our friend. I watched him crush his skull.”

They all shifted uncomfortably, and he saw Loki shift too, though he still didn’t wake. He was sure this was just as hard on everyone else, losing Thor. He was their friend as much his. But he was Loki’s brother, and the bond he watched formulate between the two during their time on the Statesman was something special. 

And it will forever be gone. 

Tony, who was seated next to Peter, looked unsure. “I still don’t trust him, but I don’t think he’s faking anything.”

Bruce blinked, surprised at his support. 

“I don’t know the guy,” the boy started. “But from what I hear about that whole New York thing, I wouldn’t go see a movie with the guy.” 

Bruce swallowed. He knew he had to say something. “I am not saying Loki was controlled,” he began. “But I don’t think he was working of his own will, entirely, either.”

At that, Clint relaxed a bit. Because Bruce was sure he felt the same thing. Out of everyone in the quinjet, he knew Barton would get it. The link Loki shared with him was not one way. 

Clint was biting his lip. “That doesn’t change what he did.”

“No,” Tony said before Bruce could. “But I don’t think it’s that simple.”

Steve seemed to be wondering what that could mean. “Well,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “From the way he talks about this Thanos guy, it wouldn’t be completely impossible.” 

“Either way,” Clint said. “He’s still unstable. You saw him rip that dudes head off, right?”

Bruce swallowed again. He spoke slowly. “I don’t really think he meant to.”

“What do you mean,” Steve asked, eyes narrowed. He seemed genuinely curious, genuinely ready to maybe give Loki the benefit of the doubt. 

Bruce cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. This whole conversation shouldn’t be having said. This was all Loki’s own choice to say, not theirs. But, the only way to get them to understand where Bruce was coming from, that they didn’t need to necessarily fear Loki right now, was to get this out. 

He coughed to clear his throat again. “After that attack, Loki came to me and said that Ebony Maw had a power to manipulate ones mind. He said it took him by surprise.”

“And,” Tony asked.

“I don’t want to imagine what that means. Maybe Maw showed him something that scared him. He clearly wasn’t all happy and sunshine after that.”

Steve nodded, but still looked hesitant to the whole situation. Clint hadn’t said anything, and Tony seemed understanding. 

Peter just looked lost, but he saw the boy’s eyes venture towards the sleeping god.

“Bruce,” Natasha finally spoke from the cockpit. 

“Yeah,” he answered awkwardly. 

“You realize what you’re insinuating, correct?” It fell silent, and Bruce knew what she was getting at. “You’re saying Loki may have been coerced in his attack against Earth.”

Bruce pinned his lips together for a moment. Because no, that wasn’t what he was saying, but in a way it was. It was confusing. He truly believed Loki was crazy and did that out of hatred then, but who’s? His own, or the hatred that was manifested and put into his heart. Was it the hatred and vulnerability Thanos could have taken advantage of? 

He didn’t know. 

“I don’t think it’s that simple,” he said.

“Then he needs to explain,” Clint said.

“He doesn’t have to do anything,” Bruce bit back. “He just needs... some respite, right now. Give him that, for God’s sake.”

Clint looked down, clearly angry. The rest of the group seemed to let it go. 

For now.

They were silent for a while, the situation having become uncomfortable. Bruce just looked at Loki then, whose brows were furrowed, and his lips began moving then. Still, he made no sound. 

He left it alone for now. 

He thought on what Natasha said. It’s possible, that Loki was forced to do it, but Bruce didn’t really think that. He was sure Loki was hurt, in his falling from Asgard as Thor had told him. He was thought dead for over a year, and Bruce wondered what happened in that time span. 

He could tell, in Loki’s presence when they began to speak about the Mad Titan. It was sour, bitter, but it also held a substantial fear. He saw the god’s hand shake when he spoke of his mad search for power, for destruction. He heard how when he spoke, it shook, as if barely holding on to his own voice. His eyes shined with a past, one Bruce thought must be ugly, and his jaw was clenched tight. 

These were the things that Bruce noticed, when conversation moved to this whole particular situation with Thanos. 

And he can’t help but remember, something Thanos said right before he giant boot slammed on Thor’s head.

He closed his eyes, nausea overcoming him. 

‘I would make you long for something as sweet as pain...’

For what? Why did Thanos say that? At what price did Loki have to suffer? 

He wished he knew. Maybe one day, Loki will tell him. If he asked, if he showed he cared, that he wanted Loki to share his weight, maybe it would encourage Loki enough to not bear his sufferings alone. 

Because, sadly, who will Loki share it with now? What will the god even do, after all of this with Thanos?

His stomach lurched. He didn’t want to think about that.

Suddenly, a noise clawed it’s way out of Loki’s throat. Not a scream, but not quite a cry either. 

His hands were clenched into fists, and Bruce began to shake him immediately at the confused, almost concerned stares from everyone else. 

“Loki,” he said. “Wake up.”

He didn’t. Instead, his head flew back, hitting the metal interior of the plane hard. 

“Loki, stop.” He shook him again, harder. 

Another sound scrambled it’s way up; a whimper. Clint was looking at the God as if disgusted, but who was he to judge? Didn’t Clint go through this same thing? 

Steve was perched on the edge of his seat, not sure what to expect. Tony and Peter didn’t look any calmer. 

“What’s happening,” Natasha called from the pit. 

“Nothing,” Bruce answered to her quickly. “Loki, wake up, come on.”

Bruce went to shake him again, but Loki’s eyes flew open, and whatever happened next happened in a whirl. 

He was against the wall, a hand tight around his throat, long pale fingers wrapped and squeezed. “Loki,” he tried, but couldn’t get anything out.

He was distantly aware of Tony, Steve, and Clint trying to pull the god off, but it took a while. 

It was when Bruce began to feel faint, black spots peering in the corner of his eyes, did the grip finally let go. 

He took a deep inhale in, his palm going to rub his sore throat, panting. Loki was flanked by Steve and Tony, an arrow from Clint’s bow perched and ready to fire.

Loki’s eyes were wide, frightened, and he was shaking. If anything, Bruce could tell he was shocked at his own actions. “Wait,” Bruce called, though it wasn’t clear. 

“What do you mean, wait,” Clint asked, arrow still ready for fire. “He attacked you.”

“He didn’t,” Bruce rasped out. “Just calm down.”

Loki was panting too, a sheen of sweat broken out on his forehead. His mouth was open, as if to say something, anything, but he didn’t speak. He was staring at Bruce. 

“It’s fine,” Bruce said. “Let him go.”

Hesitantly, reluctantly, they let him go. 

Instantly, Loki’s hands came up in surrender, as if to convey he didn’t mean to attack him, he didn’t want to hurt him. 

“Loki,” he said. “Stop, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have grabbed you like that.”

“I could have killed you,” Loki said through clenched teeth. His voice was fearful, desperate. 

“You wouldn’t have.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I trust you.”

The God’s mouth snapped shut with a click of his teeth. He seemed shocked, his already wide green eyes even wider. The rest of the crew on the jet seemed shocked at this too. 

Slowly, Loki’s hands lowered down to his sides, his breathing calming slightly. He shook his head, distressed. “You shouldn’t.”

Bruce saw him look down, and he felt a pull at his chest. “Why?”

Green eyes snapped up on him. “Why,” he repeated bitterly. “Shall I check off the list?”

“Yes,” Clint said before anyone else could say anything. 

Loki looked at him, but didn’t speak again. Bruce could see he was uncomfortable in Barton’s presence. 

Loki’s hands clenched into fists when he said, “I apologize. I didn’t mean to...” he phased off his sentence. 

Bruce felt that pull again. “It’s okay, Loki. I’m fine.”

He saw the god lick his lips, and sit back down. He was off somewhere else, in his head, Bruce was sure. He just seemed to disconnect from those around him, then. 

For a split second, Bruce was positive he saw his eyes shine in tears, but one never fell. His pride was too high for that. But he let him have that, if nothing else.

He was tempted to ask what he was dreaming about, and according to everyone else’s uncomfortable gazes and their flickering eyes towards Loki, they thought the same. 

No one asked though. 

It was silent until the jet finally landed in Wakanda.

...

When Loki stepped out of the jet onto Wakandan territory, he was sure he stopped breathing for a good ten seconds. For humans, he had to admit this was impressive. The architecture reminded him much of what he saw in his travels as a child when he went with Thor on princely duties for Odin. 

But the thought of Thor sent a blade down his middle, and he pushed it away. 

“It’s cool, isn’t it,” Steve asked next to him, and Loki realized he was addressing him. 

“Quite,” was all he said.

“Wow,” the child, Peter, breathed. His smile was wide, and he reminded him much of a younger Thor, then. 

He squeezed his eyes tight, blocking his brother from his mind. 

Tony was speaking with the boy, talking about this place’s government and such, but it wasn’t anything important or relevant to Loki. He ignored them. 

Suddenly, a man flanked by two women, who both were wearing very beautiful golds and gear, both dark skinned, stopped before them. He had the same skin tone, tall, very built. Loki could tell he was in high regards.

He seemed suspicious of their arriving. “Stark,” he addressed. “Steve,” he said next, his voice holding a lighter tone. “How can I help you?”

He had a deep accent, but from what origins, Loki didn’t know. 

“We need a favor,” Natasha said from the side, Clint next to her. 

The man’s dark eyes fell on Loki’s. “I do not believe we’ve been introduced.”

For some reason, he felt nervous. “I am Loki,” he said, though his voice didn’t sound like his. He needed to get it together, and now. He can’t do this anymore. 

“Loki,” he said. “Pleasure to meet you.”

Loki bowed. “Likewise.”

The man smiled at him. “I can be addressed as T’Challa. I am the king, here at Wakanda.”

That shocked Loki. A monarchy. 

Not many Midgardian territories had monarchies. 

T’Challa gestured to the women on his right, who was very short haired, almost none at all, and very strong eyes. “This is Okoye. She is the head of our armed forces,” and she bowed towards him in acknowledgment. He then presented the other woman, who was shorter, with longer hair. She was smiling wide. “This is my sister, Shuri, princess of Wakanda.”

Loki missed Thor then. He wished Thor was here seeing this, not him. Or better yet, if none of this was happening and they were both with each other, as they should have been. 

He mentally slapped himself.

Loki smiled a small, though still presenting his signature charm. “A pleasure,” he said. 

From there, everyone else introduced themselves, but Loki stopped listening, just looked around at the scenery and the wonders of the this place. 

Again, he was very impressed. Envious, even.

“So,” T’Challa started. “What favor is it you speak of?”

Loki swallowed. “It’s complicated,” he answered.

The king nodded. “I am capable of handling.”

Loki didn’t want to explain again, each time becoming no more easy. 

Hit hurt his heart every time, it felt like Thanos was right next to him, warning him again that if he failed, if he broke this simulation, if he let himself fall to the weakness of his own desires, to be loved, to be equal... 

Well...

He wondered if that would ever go away.

Either way, he spoke.


	5. Forever Suffering, Allow Me Peace?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki realizes he never believed they could win in the first place. 
> 
> Bruce finally gets Loki to confess his suffering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter. It’s a little short, but I wanted this chapter to be just about Loki’s past with Thanos. 
> 
> I needed that to be conveyed, since Marvel refuses to do it themselves \\(‘.’)/

He choked on the words this time. To speak of the stones and the Mad Titan’s search for power and destruction and ruin was like trying to speak with a knife lodged in his throat. 

Loki knew his hands were shaking and he could feel Bruce staring at him in concern, and he really wished he’s cease that. But, the doctor made it clear that Loki was his friend. 

Loki didn’t know how he felt about that.

“This is dire, indeed,” T’Challa said. His physique stayed calm and collected while Loki told of him everything. Thanos, the Statesman, Strange being taken... his brother’s death. 

T’Challa’s eyes turned soft for a moment. “My condolences for your loss,” he stated, gentleness creeping in his voice. 

Loki clenched his jaw and swallowed. No one had actually said anything about it, yet. And it made it all the more real. He nodded, but didn’t say a word. 

He was worried if he did... he didn’t know what would come out. 

He was aware of Tony and the others shifting on their feet, also saddened by the loss of Thor, but always unsure how to speak of it with Loki. 

T’Challa’s pulled his shoulders back, chin peaking higher. “You’re asking me, if we have technology to get you to space?”

“And,” Tony continued. “If we can get there in time. This planet is light years away from what Reindeer Games here says.”

Loki almost rolled his eyes. He didn’t. 

Shuri, the young princess, spoke next. “I’m afraid we have nothing of that caliber. We are highly advanced in technological development, but we can’t get you anywhere near space, much less light years away.” 

Loki slumped. He knew this would happen, that this would be said. But still, it didn’t hurt any less. This was all hopeless. There was no fighting this.

It was then he realized he never thought they would win. 

Loss was their only outcome. 

He was distantly aware of Agent Romanoff, Shuri, Okoye, and the king discuss if there was a way at all. He barely heard Stark telling Peter he shouldn’t have come here. He couldn’t feel Barton’s eyes staring holes in the back of his head. All he felt was... nothing. 

He was numb, but feeling all and everything at once. He knew his breathing had hitched, and he decided he needed to get away. 

He turned over his shoulder, elegantly walking back towards the jet to take a breath. 

He knew Bruce was watching him go. But he didn’t care. He was terribly frightened if he stayed amongst the group, his knees would weaken and he would fall. 

He wanted to fall.

He stepped up the ramp into the jet, pacing, clenching his fists. He was breathing fast, because he was scared. He hated being scared. He was rarely scared. 

He wasn’t this terrified since he realized there was no escape of Thanos’ tortures, that no one would come for him. 

“What do I do,” he wondered aloud, looking up. “What do I do, brother?”

He bowed his head. 

A raging, fiery anger over took him. He felt his magic rushing inside his body, begging for a release, but Loki held it back, worried about the outcome if he let it free. 

Instead, he yelled. Yelled in pure frustration and anger and pain. 

And fear.

His fist was dented into the interior of the jet before he could think. He felt his knuckles break, and the pain was almost comforting. He did it again.

And again.

And again.

He was screaming, yelling, but there were no tears. There was nothing but broadcasted terror. He was aware this jet wasn’t soundproof and that the band of heroes were listening, but he didn’t care.

He didn’t care.

What was he doing here? What was his purpose? Why is Thor dead, and Loki alive? It didn’t make sense. It was never supposed to be this way. 

This god forsaken universe is doing everything in its power to make him suffer. He’s been suffering since before he could remember. He was suffering as a babe, crying out on the frozen temple as his family abandoned him. He was suffering as Thor’s younger brother, his shadow, a nuisance. He was suffering when Mother ever put the stand of king in Loki’s hands.

He was suffering when Thanos tore into his mind, tearing it to shreds, igniting the hatred Loki had always felt, amplifying it. He was suffering when the Chitauri ripped him to pieces, tore him apart limb from limb (quite literally) only to put him back together. 

He’d been suffering for so long, and the only respite he’d ever felt, the only sense of happiness he’d ever been gifted with, was then wrenched away from him. 

Thanos has literally taken everything Loki ever cared about. 

He felt his knees harshly make impact with the metal floor of the plane, and he was panting. 

Still, he didn’t cry. 

No tears fell from his eyes. 

He was suddenly aware of Bruce on his knees in front of him, Loki’s bloody hands in his. “You’re okay,” Bruce was saying. “You’re okay.”

He wasn’t.

He never would be.

“Loki, talk to me.”

He opened his mouth. He shouldn’t have. All of his insecurities came out, everything any of them could use as a weapon against him came rushing from his lips. “What am I supposed to do? Thor is dead,” he rasped out. “He’s dead!”

“Loki-“

“How is this fair? How is any of this fair? Why am I alive and Thor dead?”

Bruce didn’t know what to say. It didn’t comfort Loki, not that he was looking for any anyways. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry.”

“I started all of this,” he breathed out, desperation leaking from his voice. Bruce’s eyes were locked on his. “I failed. I failed...”

Bruce was shaking his head. “You didn’t fail, Loki. You fought until the end. Some of your people are still out there, Loki. They’re alive because of you. Valkyrie is alive because of you. But Thor’s death is not on you.”

“You don’t understand, you don’t understand,” he said it again, shaking his head. 

“Loki, explain to me. Please, I want to help.”

“I am far beyond help.”

“No one is ever beyond help.”

Loki’s breath hitched, and he was looking at Bruce then, really looking. His eyes shined in a determined drive to help him, to show him he wasn’t alone. 

Loki bit his lip. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Try,” was all the doctor said. 

He took a deep breath. He held for several moments, and released it a long exhale. Bruce patiently waited. 

He spoke, and it came out in a rush, a flurry of everything he’s ever wanted to say. And it pained him, almost nearly killed him, knowing Thor will never know. 

“He warned me,” he began. “He told me what would happen if I failed.” He knew his voice was trembling, but he couldn’t make it stop. He swallowed, Bruce’s concentrated eyes still on him. “I didn’t listen... and Thor is dead, and this entire universe is doomed. Everything is doomed.

“He will win, and you will die. But me? No...” he took a deep breath. “Death is not for me. I am not a worthy gift of Death. He always said that...”

Bruce furrowed his brows. “Wait, what do you mean?”

Loki was looking at the floor, his hands clenching one another until his knuckles were pale white. He was pinning his teeth together so tight he wondered if they would shatter against his gums. 

“Loki,” Bruce said again. “Did he hurt you?”

He didn’t respond.

“Did he?”

“It’s not that simple,” he whispered. “It wasn’t like he put a blade against my throat and demanded I attack Midgard or he would slice.” 

Bruce nodded, somehow understanding. “It’s classic, Loki. Make you think it was all your idea-“

“It was my idea,” he argued back. “I bargained your planet.”

“For what?”

He stopped. Because he didn’t really know. “To... to rule,” he said, though it was dazed. 

“Was he ever really going to let you rule?”

He shook his head, but it was slow, confused. 

“Loki, don’t you see? He used you, manipulated you with pain.”

He was shaking his head again. “It wasn’t like that, not exactly.”

Bruce sighed. “Then explain it to me, Loki. I’m a little lost here.”

He bit his lip. Bit it so hard he wondered if it drew blood. He wanted to. He wanted to bleed. 

“It was... he just...” he couldn’t say it, he didn’t know how. “He amplified everything I was feeling. I fell from the Bifrost into the Void with loss and pain, and he... Thanos,” he forced himself to say. “Transformed that to what he needed it to be. But it wasn’t like the hatred, my hatred, was never there. He just... allowed it to blossom,” the words were coming easier now, and he was slowly calming as he spoke all these things he’d never known how to say. 

“Darkness was all I knew, in the void. I had no senses. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see, couldn’t feel... it was just nothingness. It was maddening. It was like that for a long time, and I began to forget my own name. I had forgotten why I’d ever let go. I had forgotten who I was, what I was, why I was. I was just nothing in a void of nothing.

“And then, I could feel everything at once. My senses slammed into me, but it was all wrong,” he paused, swallowing. Bruce was still looking at him, still showing that he was there for him. That he didn’t have to bare any of this alone. “To this day, I’m not quite sure what happened. I know it was the Titan himself who found me, and it was him who sent his Chitauri to fetch me. But I’m not... I don’t know, it’s all blurry.

He bit his lip. “He asked me my name, and I didn’t speak. He asked me where I was from, and I didn’t speak. He asked me why I didn’t speak, and I didn’t speak. It angered him. He wanted answers. No,” he corrected himself. “More than anything, he wanted a puppet.

“He got his answers...” he felt sick. He remembered it all so clearly, the push into his head, forcing his memories forward. “He dug into my head, and...”

“Loki-“

“He used all of that, everything that happened before I let go of that damned staff, to bring out who I always was.”

Bruce seemed slightly uncomfortable. “Which is?”

He looked at Bruce, and he felt tears stinging his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. “You don’t see it?”

“See what,” Bruce asked, his voice gentle.

“This innate evil... this innate monster that I can’t...”

“Loki-“

“No matter what I do, it’s never enough. I tried, I tried so hard, to make sure it wasn’t Thor who lost his life,” he was barely speaking above a whisper. Still, he refused to let any tear fall. “It wasn’t enough... I was never enough. My goodness is never enough and it will always be drowned away by the bad.”

Bruce didn’t speak. Loki could imagine why. What was he supposed to say to that? There wasn’t anything anyone could ever say to him. 

“Barton was right,” Loki finished. “This is all my fault. Thor is dead because I failed. Because I failed to bring him the Tesseract.”

Something clicked in Bruce then, Loki thought he saw. It was like realization lit up in his eyes, but Loki hated it. Because he was sure he understood what exactly that meant. 

“‘I would make you long for something as sweet as pain,’” Bruce echoed. Loki brought his eyes slowly up to his. “Is that why you attacked Earth? He forced you?”

“No,” Loki said immediately. “I told you, it wasn’t like that. But... in a sense, yes, I came to Earth in efforts to bring him the Tesseract, then I would be free. He may never had let me rule, no, but he would have let me go. 

“And that was all I wanted.”

Bruce was looking at him as if something big had happened, as if this changed anything. Loki knew it didn’t. It didn’t wipe the blood from his hands. 

Bruce inhaled a deep breath, and held it for several moments. Loki didn’t know what he would said. He didn’t really know he wanted to. 

Bruce let the air from his lungs go, and he bit his lip before finally speaking. “Loki, there’s a lot of things I want to say, but I don’t know how. But I do know, no one, and no one, is ever innately bad,” Loki flinched. “Not even you. You’ve done bad things, sure, but that doesn’t define you. There’s more to you. And I’m sorry people don’t see that.”

That took Loki’s breath away. “What?”

“I’m sorry, Loki. That this has happened to you, and is still happening. I’m sorry.”

Loki narrowed his eyes. “You’re... You are apologizing to me?”

He could see in Bruce’s eyes he didn’t miss the way Loki’s voice shook. “I am. You don’t deserve this, Loki, whether you believe it or not. And this not all your fault.”

Loki wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t reply. 

Suddenly, another pair of footsteps stepped into the jet, and Loki looked up to see Barton staring down at them both still on their knees. He looked uncomfortable. 

“Hey,” he said. “Um, Shuri was gonna lead us to their lab, see if they could work up something. I don’t know,” he sounded annoyed. 

He seemed to notice the interior of the plane then. “Damn, you beat this plane to shit.”

Loki shrugged. “Apologies,” he offered, but it sounded empty.

Barton looked down at him, something in his eyes Loki couldn’t read. “‘S fine, just... hurry up. As much as I hate you, we need your knowledge.”

Loki nodded. 

“Clint,” Bruce started, but Loki put his hand on his shoulder, and Clint huffed our air before leaving the jet. “Are you okay?”

Loki scoffed, but it wasn’t in malice. “No, but... I have to be. I just need... a distraction. We need to stop Thanos.”

Bruce shifted. “And after that?”

Loki didn’t know.

He just shook his head, and stood up from the floor. He kindly offered his hand to Bruce, who took it. 

“Thank you,” Loki said to him. 

Bruce smiled, though I didn’t reach his eyes. “I’m your friend.”

“So you keep saying,” Loki replied. “I... appreciate it,” he said awkwardly. 

Bruce smiled a little wider. “Come on,” he said.

And Loki followed, trying to ignore his poisonous thoughts of loss.


	6. You Call This Mercy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team get in contact with someone they probably shouldn’t have.
> 
> Loki has a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next one! Enjoy!

The king of Wakanda, T’Challa, led the group of heroes and Loki through what Loki would guess is the capital of the city. Barton had mentioned they were going to a lab, but Loki didn’t really listen as to why. 

He probably should have.

T’Challa spoke through a lot of the walk, informing the team of many advancements and developments that Wakanda has made. According to Shuri, the princess, there was a dome of sorts that shielded this place from intruders and such. Loki couldn’t help but feel relieved at that. 

“So,” Steve Rogers spoke after Shuri explained the science of the barrier. “You mentioned Thanos’ children.”

Loki couldn’t suppress a flinch. “Yes,” was all he said.

“Can you tell us who each one is,” Tony said.

Barton nodded. “Also their individual strengths and weaknesses?”

Loki was about to explain, but he heard the boy get excited over a wall of art. 

“Woah, Mr. Stark, do you see this?” Peter’s eyes were wide, young, and in awe and it reminded Loki very much of a younger version of himself.

Tony shushed him, nodding at Loki to go on. 

Loki cleared his throat, trying to keep his voice steady as he spoke. “Together, they call themselves The Black Order. There is Ebony Maw, master torturer and interrogator. He is dead now, no more something for us to worry about. Then there is Proxima Midnight. She is savage, if not more so than Maw. She fights with a spear, and she is steadfast. 

“Her closest sibling would be Corvus Glaive. He and Midnight are bonded, if you anger one, you anger both. Perhaps they should be our biggest threat besides Thanos. 

“Cull Obsidian, the one we fought in New York is gone as far as I’m concerned. Strange sent him far away. No need to worry of him. 

“Lastly, you have his two most treasured daughters. Gamora and Nebula. Gamora is of Zen-Whoberis species, and she is the last of her kind. Thanos destroyed her planet, I believe. We never spoke much. Nebula, her sister, is a Luphomoid. Her, perhaps, is a bigger threat than Gamora would be. She was never very... kind.”

He’d realized then they all stopped walking and were huddled in a circle while he’d spoke. They were looking at him strange, as if to convey ‘why have you never said anything before?’. And to be honest, he didn’t know. 

No... that’s not true. He was worried, terrified that they would hear. That they would hear and punish him. He remembered a time Nebula shackled his whole arm to a slab, only to break nearly every bone in it with a hammer. 

She did it in hopes to condition him to fear Thor. ‘Maybe this will cease your whining for your brother.’

It didn’t work... by the time his arm was colored with purple and blues, he was whispering Thor’s name. Over and over, forever on the tip of his tongue, rolling over his lips involuntarily.

He felt Bruce close to him.

He’d wondered if he’d gone pale. Judging by the way they were looking at him, he supposed he had. “Was there something else?”

They all shook their heads, and they went on their way. 

When they entered the lab, Loki couldn’t help but be impressed. The tech they had was nearly surpassing that of Asgard’s. Maybe even that of Thanos’. 

Shuri’s eyes lit up with something, Loki saw. Something that was akin to a sense of belonging. Loki remembered feeling that, once. He didn’t remember what it was like anymore. 

Immediately, the princess was typing into a 3-Dimensional keyboard of sorts, and pulled up some sort of device Loki didn’t recognize. 

“We can’t help you get to space,” Shuri said. “But, we may be able to get into contact with the ship you mentioned. The one that took Strange Doctor.”

“Doctor Strange,” Bruce corrected.

“Trust me,” Tony said. “They’re one in the same.”

Peter chuckled. Loki was taking a liking to him. 

Loki brought his mind back to what mattered. “I don’t know if that’s wise.”

“Wait,” Barton grumbled. “Why?”

Loki looked at him, and he could feel frustration radiating off of the archer. “I don’t know who is in command on that ship. Initially, it would be Maw.”

“So,” Romanoff asked. “What difference does it make?”

Loki sighed, a headache pounding its way behind his eyes. “I wouldn’t want to open your planet to further invasion,” he said. He heard Barton scoff, but ignored it. “I would deem Strange doomed.”

“Loki,” Rogers addressed him. “If he’s out there, we have to try to retrieve him. He’s not expendable.”

Loki clenched his teeth. “I never said he was.”

“Doesn’t he have a stone,” Peter asked, and Tony looked at him as if to scold, but paused, realizing what he said. 

“Shit,” Tony whispered. “He’s right. Whether or not Strange is alive, either way that stone needs getting.”

“If Strange is dead, that stone has already been implemented upon Thanos’ gauntlet,” Loki objected. 

“But,” Natasha began. “You also said he was heading to Knowhere. So while Strange is stranded, Thanos is simultaneously trying to get the Reality.”

“And,” Loki suggested.

“And,” Tony said. “We can get Strange before he does.”

Dammit.

They had a point, Loki knew that. But he still worried of the consequences of contacting an outside force from Midgard.

“Since when are you so worried about our planet?”

Loki turned to Barton then, anger spiking in his bones. “This planet was all Thor had left,” he said, and his heart clenched. Barton took a step back, as if hit. “This was my brother’s second home. This was to be the civilization of New Asgard. You must pardon me for wanting to preserve the only thing I have any inclination left to save.”

The archer blinked, something similar to guilt lighting his features. The rest of the room went quiet. 

Loki’s hand sparked then, and he heard a piece of equipment behind him vibrating. But before Bruce could lay a hand on him, Loki took a deep breath, calming himself down. 

Shuri looked at him, sadness in his eyes. “Loki,” she said. “I am so sorry for your loss. And I sympathize with your reasoning. But the stone, that is what is important. Right?”

Loki inhaled a deep breath. When he let it go, he swallowed. Finally, though, he nodded. “Alright,” he said. “But if for one moment I think this realm is in danger-“

“We will stop,” T’Challa spoke. “I would not risk this planet either. Trust me.”

Him and Loki shared a look, but Loki didn’t really understand what it was. 

“How do we do this,” Natasha asked. 

“If I can tap into the frequency from that ship,” Shuri started. “I know I can get a response.”

“We just need to be prepared it may not be Strange answering,” Tony interjected. 

“Either way,” T’Challa said. “If we can get a frequency, we may also get coordinates. Perhaps we can not get you to space, but someone else may.”

“We appreciate that,” Bruce said. “Really, everything. Thank you.”

T’Challa nodded. He turned to his sister then, a small smile on his face. “My sister, please begin.”

She smiled back and nodded. 

Loki couldn’t help but feel dread.

...

He knew. 

Deep down he knew who would be on that ship. He was sure the Titan felt Maw’s death, and he was almost positive he would be aggravated to know he had to ‘do the deed himself’. He often said that. 

Thanos never had much faith in his children, and Loki honestly couldn’t blame him. Ruthless as they are, they tended to be fools. But just because they are, doesn’t make them not dangerous. In fact, a dangerous fool is worse than anything. 

Shuri had been able to tap into the ship’s frequency, but there still had no been response. The line would constantly cut in and out. 

“Dammit,” Shuri cursed. “It’s right there, but I keep losing it.”

“What if you upped the rate it occurs? Increase the repetition?” Bruce asked. 

Loki wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but he had an idea. Frequency’s to a ship move fast, but sometimes the regularity of if isn’t fast enough. Like a telegram. 

“I am trying,” Shuri responded. “It’s just difficult to keep track of it while simultaneously expanding the range of its repetition.” 

Loki felt his magic inside him then stutter. He sighed. “I can aid in that,” he said. 

Bruce looked at him, his glasses on the tip of his nose. “What do you mean?”

“My magic is capable of extending the rhythm at which is repeats. While I’m doing that, you will then be able to latch on to the ship’s pulse.” 

Shuri furrowed her brow, thoughts racing through his head. It took a moment for her to nod. Bruce however, seemed hesitant. “Are you sure,” he asked. “Your magic is still depleted.”

“It’s not too taxing of a task. I can do it,” dedication slipped in his voice then. 

Bruce finally agreed. 

Loki was able to fasten the regularity of its repetition while Shuri and Bruce finally got a latch on the ship. 

Fear ignited in his bones when Shuri said “something is hailing us.”

He knew. Dammit, he knew. But that voice never ceased to make his skin crawl, to make his hair stand on end. That fear and desperation he felt all those years ago while under his command, under his ‘glorious direction’ came rushing back. 

“Answer it,” T’Challa said. “It could be the Doctor.”

Loki shuddered. “It’s not,” he whispered.

“Silvertongue...”

He couldn’t stop the noise that crawled its way out of his throat. He felt the rest of the group tense, the aura in the room turning ominously dark. 

“You do not speak,” Thanos asked. He could hear the Titan’s smirk. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, his fingers clenching into fists. He took a deep breath, and let it go slowly. When he opened his eyes, everyone was looking at him. Expecting him to talk to back. 

“Thanos,” was all he said. 

He heard a dark chuckle on the other end. “Have you forgotten how to address me?”

Disgust roiled in his stomach. If felt like a greasy lump of rock slammed into the bottom of his abdomen. 

“You are no father or master of mine,” he said, and he was surprised at how steady he sounded. 

“Do you feel it,” Thanos cooed. “That pain, that absolute loss and fear and suffering I promised you for your failure?”

He felt his eyes sting, but he refused to let any fall in the presence of Thanos. He may not physically be here, and he may not even be able to see him, but still... he refused. 

“Your wizard refuses to relent his hold on the stone,” he said. “I have been kind thus far. I grow impatient.”

Loki remembered so vividly those words being said to him.

‘Oh Loki,’ he would say, kindness slurring in his tone. ‘I grow impatient.’

“Congratulations, by the way,” Thanos uttered. “You managed to kill my most ruthless son. A fool though he was, to let the likes of you end him.”

He lifted his chin, as if in defiance. “You always underestimated me.”

“Hm,” he hummed. “So I have. Yet, Loki of Nothing, you always underestimate me.”

Loki laughed, his breath shaking. “Trust me, I don’t.” 

Silence for a moment. “No, I suppose you don’t. Does your time with me remind you of that? Does your brother’s crushed skull haunt you? Remind you of my true capabilities?”

“That’s enough,” Bruce said. “You’re not going to win, Thanos.”

Loki looked at him, eyes wide, as if in warning. 

Tony spoke up then. “You think you will,” he said. “But you won’t. You must think yourself really high.”

“I do not. I only relish in doing what no one else will.”

“And what is that,” Rogers asked, voice loud. 

“Mercy.”

Loki laughed again, his entire stance trembling. He couldn’t tell if it was him or the ground shaking. He didn’t really care. “Mercy? You call any of this mercy?”

“I do,” Thanos responded, tone low and dangerous. “Do you not remember, Loki? The mercy I showed you? Lost, forgotten child of Asgard. Unwanted thing from Jotunheim. I plucked you from the Void, gave you a glorious purpose. Showed you the true potential of your power.

“Have you forgotten all of that? Have you erased all of the things I did for you?”

Loki closed his eyes for a moment, and he could feel everyone’s eyes on him, and he hated it. It felt like laser points of heat cutting holes in every fiber of his body. 

Finally, he opened them, looking straight ahead at nothing. “You showed me a lot of things, Thanos,” his voice cracked. “Mercy was not one of them.”

He could practically feel Thanos’ disappointment through the line. “I am sorry you do not see that. But you will.”

He felt like he’d been punched. “What the hell does that mean?”

“You will know, Loki. The price of true failure, and the glory of true victory.”

The line cut, but not before they heard an anguished scream roiling its way out of the Doctor Strange’s throat. He flinched. 

It reminded him too much of... well...

His heart was pounding, that he knew, but he couldn’t hear anything over the roaring in his ears. He was so cold, he was freezing, but Frostgiants don’t get cold. Then why was he shivering? 

He wasn’t breathing. He was clenching his teeth together, so hard it hurt. Blood crusted near where his nails were biting their way into his palms. 

He was squeezing his eyes shut, but flashes of images of Thanos’ smile kept replaying in his brain, and it made him want to open his eyes. But if he did, he would have to face them. 

He can’t. He can’t.

He felt a calloused hand touch his shoulder, and he flinched, closing his eyes even tighter. “Breathe,” he thought he heard. He didn’t know from whose lips. 

But he did exhale, as shaky as it was. His inhale didn’t do any better. He did it over and over again anyways. 

“Open your eyes, Loki,” that voice said again. He wondered if it was Bruce, but he genuinely couldn’t tell. “Wherever you are, you’re not there. You’re here, alright?”

“I know,” he mumbled, but still didn’t open his eyes. “Just... give me a moment.”

And a moment he got. 

When he was finally able to breathe normally again and he didn’t feel like he was going to fall to his knees, he opened his eyes. 

And as expected, everyone was staring at him. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable. Raw, naked, flayed open. Like every little crevice of himself was out in the open for all to see. Like he was cracked open, his insides and every insecurity on display. 

He bowed his head, shame flaring in his blood. “Please,” he said. “Do not get the wrong idea.”

No one spoke, not even Bruce. He could tell they didn’t know what he meant. 

After a moment, Tony spoke up. “What do you mean,” he asked, but he wasn’t malicious. Maybe not gentle, but somewhere in between. 

He looked up at the billionaire then, eyes hard. “I was in no way, and in no fashion, coerced to attack your realm.”

“Loki,” Bruce tried, but Loki put up his hand, and he stopped. 

“This is not a conversation any of us are going to have,” he said, and turned to Shuri. “Did you get the coordinates?”

She blinked, and sputtered for a moment before saying, “yes”.

He nodded. “Good.”

Steve Rogers cleared his throat. “But we can’t get there.”

Loki hesitated, closing his eyes. “Loki,” Bruce said, though it was drawn out, like he was scolding. “What aren’t you telling us?”

He opened his eyes once more, all of their expectant gazes on him. He gave his lips a little moisture before speaking. “I can.”

“Can what,” Barton bit at him. 

Loki swallowed, looking at the young princess once more. “If you give me the coordinates, I can get there.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Tony said, frowning at him. 

“Why didn’t you say that, man,” Peter asked, his voice light. 

Bruce pulled Loki’s arm to face him. “Loki, are you serious?” 

Loki couldn’t help but feel stung by the hint of disappointment and anger in the doctor’s voice. 

Loki blinked. “I can’t physically go there, but I can use magic to formulate a... duplicate. A copy of me.”

Natasha furrowed her brow, confusion lighting her features. “What’s the benefit?”

Loki swallowed again, but it felt like a lump was lodged, enabling him to swallow. “If I can obtain the stone in... I suppose what you could call a pocket dimension, much like I did with the Tesseract,” he said to Bruce. “Then it would transfer to this dimension.”

“How is that possible,” Rogers asked. 

Loki fought the urge to roll his eyes. “It would take far too much to explain that. Time we don’t have.”

“Why didn’t we do this in the first place,” T’Challa suggested, and he heard a faint pinch of frustration. 

“Thanos could easily detect me. I was trying to spare this realm that.”

“Can we keep him from noticing,” Natasha asked.

Again, Loki turned to Shuri. “You can,” he said, and she blinked up at him, confused. “If you can block that same frequency we were just trying to quicken, if you slow it down, it slows down my own rhythm.”

Peter made a face. “You have a rhythm?”

Loki looked down at him. “Magic has a rhythm,” he corrected. “If you slow the cycle of our frequency, it will slow mine. They are not mutually exclusive. Slow mine down enough, I’m less likely to detect.”

Barton has his arms folded over his chest, and he looked concentrated. “Can he follow you back?”

Loki tensed. “No, I... I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so,” Tony repeated. “That’s not good enough, Reindeer Games.”

“If you slow it down enough, and once I give you a signal that I have the stone, then you will then have to cut off the series immediately.” 

“Wait,” Bruce said, everyone turning to look at him. He was giving Loki a concerned gaze. “You’re talking about slowing down the sequence of your magic while you’re simultaneously trying to use it,” he wondered aloud. “Won’t that hurt?”

Loki felt his stomach clench. “Perhaps a bit.”

“A bit,” Bruce asked. “Loki, can this kill you?”

“No, I swear it. It will only be... slightly unpleasant.”

“What about when I cut it off,” Shuri asked. “You’re asking me to completely cut off the sequence?”

“Yes,” Loki nodded. “Look,” he addressed to the group, and he knew he sounded desperate, if not a little frantic. “I can do it. I can handle it. And I will do everything in my power to ensure he can not follow, but I will require help from this side.”

“Loki,” Natasha said, but her voice turned dark. 

Loki frowned, looking at her. “What?”

She took a step towards him, eyes serious. “Is this your lack of self-preservation talking, or is this likely to be successful?”

Tension spread throughout the room. Loki couldn’t help but feel a little offended, but he realized that was unfair. He felt helplessly small under her gaze. 

“I assure you,” he said to her. “I am not being reckless. But if you believe I am, may I ask what other option you have?”

She stood back then, realization lighting her face. She knew this was the only option, reckless or not. “What about Strange,” she asked. “We can’t just leave him there. Once Thanos realizes the stone is gone, I doubt he will be very... forgiving.”

Loki flinched. “If I can pocket the power of a stone, I know I can pocket him.” 

“Have you ever actually done that before,” Bruce asked. “Pocketed a whole person?”

Loki shook his head. “No,” he said honestly. “But I believe I can do it.”

Steve was biting his lip. “Loki, you sure? You’re positive you can handle all of that. The slowing of your magic, the cutting off, and the pocketing of both a stone and a person?”

It would probably be one of the hardest things he’s ever done. But... “yes,” he said, and it was final. Said with such conclusion, he knew they wouldn’t argue back.

“If you’re sure,” Shuri said, sounding uncertain herself. “Then I can help you.”

He closed his eyes a moment, picturing Thor. He can do this. For his brother. He can defeat Thanos, he can show to his brother that he can be as good as him. He can do his brother justice, and it starts here. Getting Strange and that stone away from Thanos. 

“Then let’s get started,” he said, opening his eyes. “Now.”


	7. The Weight of a Heavy Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They go through with their plan to get Doctor Strange and the time stone back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so longer notes this time. I used a lot of advice on my Tony writing, and I think I did better. Idk why he’s hard for me. Peter is a little rough too, but I’m figuring it out.
> 
> Other matters of the movie/timeline:
> 
> -The Guardians are also dimly aware of what’s happening, having still answered the distress call, just never finding Thor. I will begin to include them here in a little while. Don’t worry, they’re coming!!
> 
> So, a little note on me. I will have to start updating much slower than preferred because in about a week, I will be leaving for the summer for Drum Corps! If you don’t know what that is, look it up because it’s kind of hard to explain! If you do know what that is, please pray for me. :D
> 
> Thank you so much for all of the amazing comments and helpful advice to broaden the writing of these characters, that I don’t own by the way. :)

Loki had taken to help with Shuri, Bruce, and Tony in all of the sciences of the plan. It seemed easier, to get in contact with the ship than this would be. But he knew that was how it had to be. This wouldn’t be particularly pleasant, but he also understood this was something they had to do. 

He wasn’t worried about any of that, however. He was more worried about facing Thanos. His worst nightmare, his demon. He was hoping with everything that he had that he could do this quietly, without detection from the Mad Titan. 

But... if it did come to that... 

He didn’t want to think about it. 

Right now, everyone else was seated around them, trying to gain a sense of peace for just a moment before this started. They were all off on their own, having separate conversations, and Loki couldn’t help but wonder what about. Perhaps it was him. Maybe it was Thanos. 

His heavy heart wondered if they could be talking about Thor. He was sure his... death was hard for them too. He was their friend, their comrade. Someone they could trust to fight with in battle. Something Loki will never be. 

He shook his head, pushing the mental image forever embedded in his brain of Thor’s bloody, caved in skull away.

Loki, Tony, Bruce, and Shuri were huddled around a large computer screen, watching the wavelengths and their speed from here to the ship. In a sense, they were doing trial runs. This wasn’t just any normal hack, this was trying to find the exact moment, the exact speed at which to cut off the line. 

Right now, they were doing trial and error. 

“Man,” Tony said, wiping a small streak of sweat from his brow. “This is absolutely exhausting.”

Loki rolled his eyes at his dramatics. “It would be less tiring if you stopped talking.”

Bruce sputtered out a small chuckle. Tony looked at him betrayed. Bruce smiled. “He has a point,” he said lightly. 

Stark looked offended. “Damn,” he said. “You sound like Pepper,” he sighed. “I miss Pepper. And my alcohol.”

“Jesus, Tony,” Bruce gasped. 

Loki ignored their bickering then. Shuri was smiling at him as he worked. It made Loki’s skin itch. Not necessarily in a bad way, but he was wondering why she kept looking at him like she knew something he didn’t. 

“What,” he cracked.

“You enjoy this, don’t you?”

Her voice was light for such a heavy situation, and he had to wonder how she managed to stay so... smiley. “Enjoy what,” he asked.

She gestured to the screen. “This,” she said. “The process of learning things, collecting knowledge of the universe. Magic, science, all of it.”

A hint of sadness echoed in Loki’s chest. He wasn’t sure why. Perhaps he remembered sitting with Heimdall as a child, asking him the wonders of the universe, pondering over the marvels of the branches of Yggdrasil. “You could say that,” he said. 

She didn’t reply after that, and Tony’s voice broke Loki out of his reprieve. “Dammit, I almost had it.”

“It’s fine,” Shuri said. “We will manage.”

“Hate to be the bearer of bad news, princess,” Tony said, slightly on edge. “But we don’t have time to ‘manage.’ This needs to be done fast.”

Bruce shifted on his feet. “It’s fine,” he tried to comfort, but even he sounded unsure. “Hey, Loki.”

Loki turned to him. “Hmm?”

The doctor took his glasses off, eyes on him. He licked his lips before speaking. “Could you slow the transcription while also duplicating yourself?”

Loki frowned, slightly annoyed. “Considering that was your one task, I wouldn’t have particularly thought of that.”

“Hey, hornhead,” Stark’s voice said, and Loki narrowed his eyes, turning to the billionaire. He looked as annoyed as Loki. “It was just a question. No need to get testy.”

“Hornhead,” he echoed quietly.

Tony rolled his eyes. “Whatever, never mind,” he dismissed. “We were just wondering if it was possible. We would also be slowing it down, but without the mix of... whatever your magic thing is,” Loki thought he heard discomfort in the man’s voice. “It’ll be really difficult.”

“Not to mention, you’d be less likely to detect if you could do it,” Bruce mentioned. 

Oh, Loki thought. That did make sense. But, he wasn’t even sure if he could do it. He was barely even sure he could manage the original plan. Ever since... the Statesmen, his magic had been inconsistent. 

But, he knew he had to try. He nodded. “I will attempt it.”

Shuri smiled again, but it was smaller. Loki felt a little guilty. “Can we test it,” she asked. 

Loki took a deep breath. “By all means,” he said. 

Immediately, Shuri sent waves to the ship that flew Loki’s biggest nightmare, and Tony and Bruce worked to slow it down. Upon this, Loki closed his eyes, focusing as much as he could to get a latch on the frequency. 

He felt a twinge of pain in his stomach that soon spread through out his entire system, but it wasn’t too inhibiting. He pushed past it, unable to stop the slight sound that pushed its way out of his lips. 

“You alright,” he heard Bruce ask. 

Loki just nodded, clenching his teeth. 

There...

He could feel it, the repetition of the waves and immediately worked to slow it down. 

“Yes,” he heard Shuri exclaim. “Okay, Loki, you can stop.”

When he let the frequency go, he swayed, and Bruce was already there to keep him from falling. He was panting slightly, but managed to stay up. 

When he opened his eyes, he could see Shuri and Stark smiling at each other, as if proud. 

“It worked,” Stark declared. He looked at Loki, and he had a strange, pleased look on his face. “Well done, Rudolph.”

Loki shook his head, utterly confused. “Now you’re naming me Rudolph?”

Tony nodded. “Yep.”

“What even is a Rudolph?”

The man’s eyes went a little wide. “You don’t know who Rudolph is? Damn,” he said. “Remind me to show you classic cinema.”

“I wouldn’t call Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer a classic, Tony,” Bruce said, and Stark looked offended. 

Stark shook his head, as if bringing the conversation back to what actually mattered. “Whatever, not the point. The point is, it worked. We can do it for real now.”

A part of Loki was a little disappointed to do this now. Just a simple trial run had him feeling exhausted. He knew the real thing would be extremely taxing. 

And he was tired... so so tired...

“You up for it,” Bruce asked him.

“Do I have a choice,” Loki asked, and he thought of Thor. He didn’t know why. 

Bruce didn’t say anything, giving him a sorrowful look. 

“Alright,” Tony called, and everyone else came to group up around them. “We’re ready.”

Peter and Steve Rogers appeared to have been a conversation with one another, and Clint and Romanoff had both been sitting by one another, talking quietly. Loki couldn’t help but wonder if they were talking about him. T’Challa had just been looming out the window, appearing to be deep in thought. 

But now they all seemed concentrated, dedicated in a way, even though they wouldn’t be doing any of the work. It was strange. To see them all together, feeling together, experiencing together. It reminded him too much of his time with Thor, Val, and Heimdall on the refugee ship. It was the closest Loki ever came to... belonging. To happiness.

Shuri led him over to what appeared to be a cot of some kind, it was made of leather, and the head of it was slightly raised. “Just rest here while you’re doing this,” she said. 

Loki gingerly took a seat, trepidation deep in his bones. If he was being completely honest, he didn’t know if he would be able to do this. But he knew he had to try. Thor would do anything in his power if it meant doing good. Loki had to do the same. 

He saw Stark in the corner of his eye wheeling the table with all technical equipment, Bruce following behind him. 

Shuri put a soft hand on his shoulder, her voice radiating tenderness. “Take it easy, Loki. One step at a time.”

“I am capable,” he said, though a little defensive. “Thank you,” he added anyway. 

She smiled, but it was smaller, and he could see a hint of nervousness in her face. 

Bruce came and pulled a chair next to him, and Loki frowned. “What are you doing?”

Something sad flickered in the doctor’s gaze. “I’m with you, Loki. Right here.”

It sounded so final, so ultimate. It pulled at his chest. He didn’t deserve Bruce’s kindness.

He just nodded. 

“Okay,” Stark said. “Ready?”

Loki was suddenly very aware of everyone’s eyes on him. “Yes,” he answered. 

Tony Stark turned the dial on the machine, and Loki closed his eyes, concentration being his one intention. 

...

At first, it didn’t feel like much. It wasn’t painful, so to say, but more so annoying. Like a constant itch deep in his core, untouchable and unable to sooth. Simple, though, to push past. 

It was harder to latch on to, however, than it was during a simple trial and error cycle. In the trial run, Loki had found the wave of repetition almost immediately, difficult though it was to grab. Now, it was like it was never there at all. 

He pushed his magic a little harder, and in doing so, he felt a slight bite to his sorcery. It was the first signal of pain he’d felt, and he couldn’t stop the noise he made. He heard someone say something, but his magic was loud in his ears. 

He didn’t strain to listen though, just pushed harder. 

Still fighting to find the frequency to latch onto, he began to duplicate himself. It took out most of his energy, and he felt sweat accumulating on his brow. His breath was starting to come out in shortened gasps. 

Duplicating himself, alone, was enough to produce a flare. It felt like fire then, deep in his bones of ice, as if fighting against his Jotun physiology. He heard the voice again, but still couldn’t hear over the roaring in his ears. 

He thought of Thor, thought of how strong and how stubborn he is. If his brother were in his position, he would fight. He would keep going, and damn the consequences. So fight Loki did. 

When he was finally able to latch on to the frequency of the ship, he accomplished making a perfect copy of himself. He thought he heard whining, and he didn’t know if it was him or his magic.

In spite of this, he opened his eyes, and he was on the circular ship he knew from the fight in New York. This body, this copy of himself, was painless. He felt nothing.

Nothing except the animal fear. He heard an echoing yell, and he realized he was high up, on a sort of balcony. He ran to the edge, and there he was. 

Doctor Stephen Strange, writhing on the floor while Thanos used the only two stones he had to insure the doctor’s pain. 

At the sight of the Titan, Loki felt his stomach clench. Nausea fought him, and he wondered if that was because of the spell or because of... something else. 

The power and space stones flared on the Titan’s gloved hand, and Strange yelled louder, closing in on a scream. Loki flinched. 

“I believe,” Thanos’ deep, baritone voice started. “I have mentioned how impatient I am becoming.”

Strange twitched when the Titan leaned down to his side. “How-“ the stone keeper tried. “How unfortunate f-for you...”

Loki saw Thanos smirk slightly. “I have respect for you, wizard. You fight unrelentingly.”

Loki remembered all too well, all too clearly those words spoken to him. He felt his hands shaking, and he clenched them into fists. He could almost feel the shackles on his wrists, weighing him down while he succumbed to the shallow kindness Thanos offered him.

“Fighting, however,” Thanos remarked. “Does not always end in victory. I would know.”

‘I know what it’s like to lose... to feel so desperately that you are right.’

Loki’s skin crawled. 

“I foresee your future, wizard. As I see many’s future. And I say with great confidence that victory is not in the cards for you.”

Loki saw Strange turn his gaze to the Titan’s, and he was reminded of himself when the look had such defiance, such finality to it. “I think,” Stephen said. “I will decide that for myself.”

Thanos sighed, and Loki knew the man would start screaming again before he even lifted the gauntlet. Loki got to work.

He closed his eyes again, pain flaring as he began to open up his “pocket dimension”, gathering as much magic and as much strength as he could to grab the stone. 

The stone first, then Strange.

He felt a little guilty at it, but he had priorities. 

“What,” he heard Thanos say, confusion lacing through his tone.

Loki couldn’t help but smile at this little victory. 

He had the stone. 

He pushed past the raging pain eating away at his body, at his mind, as he grabbed for Strange. 

He heard Thanos yell, his anger vibrating the ship. 

He had Strange, and he had the stone. 

He opened his eyes, stumbling back, but managing to keep his footing. 

Fear nibbled at him as he saw Thanos looming up at him. “You really are becoming a thorn in my side, Frostling.”

Loki panted, pain the only thing he felt. However, defiance flared in him as well, and he smiled slightly, a little mad. “Likewise,” he breathed. “You will never be a god,” and he was gone. 

...

He was screaming, apparently, when he came to, back to his original body, the stone and Strange weighing heavily in him. Bruce’s arms were firm over his, as if he had been holding him down. 

Loki was breathing hard, and fast. 

“You alright,” Bruce asked, concern deep in his voice. “Loki,” he said. “Focus.”

Loki’s dazed eyes found Bruce’s. He nodded at him. He moved his gaze to the middle of the room, where he saw everyone else’s eyes on him, strange looks on their faces. He lifted his hand, green igniting at his fingertips. It felt chaotic in him. 

A black cloud formed, and everyone turned to it. Loki gave a cry as he pulled Strange and the stone from it. 

The wizard landed in a heap on the floor, looking weathered and exhausted. 

Loki thought he heard himself make a sound much too akin to a sob. He didn’t get much else, for oblivion took him before he could process anything more. 

A part of him hoped oblivion kept him.

...

“Loki,” Bruce tried, giving the unconscious god a shake. “Damn,” he whispered, a little frustrated. “He’s out cold.”

“Uh,” he heard Tony say. “Bruce, I think the magician needs you.”

He turned his attention to Strange, who was still wearing the necklace that kept the time stone safe from anyone who had bad intentions. Or good intentions, for that matter. He was gasping on the floor, red cape pooling around him.

He came to him, kneeling down. “Tell me what’s hurting.”

Strange gave a wet chuckle. “Everything,” he exhaled. 

Bruce frowned, and he began trying to feel for broken bones, any lacerations, anything, but Strange twitched away from him. “I’m fine.”

Tony scoffed. “Yeah, sure,” he said. “You just spent nearly three hours with this big, bad, and ugly. And you’re saying you’re fine?”

The doctor gave him a pointed look. “I wouldn’t say I’m feeling too extraordinary,” he pushed himself to his knees. “But I’m fine.”

When Bruce decided that, exhausted though Strange was, he wasn’t in any mortal danger, he went back to Loki’s side, where Shuri had her hand gently on the god’s forehead. She looked up Bruce. “He’s burning up.”

Bruce felt for himself, and almost wanted to flinch at the heat radiating off of him. “Shit,” he whispered. 

“I think he just needs rest,” he heard Natasha say. Bruce detected something strange in her voice, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, though he felt worried. “Just some rest.”

“He hasn’t had any,” Rogers said. “Except for what he got on the plane.” The captain sounded tense. Bruce had to wonder why. 

“I wouldn’t call that rest,” Peter included, and he looked young, in that moment. The boy was looking at Loki on the bed, like he was impressed, somehow. 

Barton nodded, also with that same strange look on his face. “He’ll be fine,” he said. But it wasn’t said with malice, or annoyance. There was a finality to it. Something... something.

“He can rest here,” T’Challa said. “All of you can. I am sure we have hell coming, we need to be ready.”

“What a wonderful understatement,” Tony pipped under his breath, but didn’t seem disinclined to get some sleep. 

“It’s okay,” Bruce said, but he didn’t sound convinced. “We can do this. We had this small victory, didn’t we?”

Strange was finally on his feet, shaky though it was. He looked haunted, and Bruce was sure he was. “I suggest you take up the King’s proposal of rest,” he said. “It’s more than Hell coming. It is Armageddon.”


	8. A Small Victory Is Still a Victory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes up. 
> 
> Wanda and Vision get in the mix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH IM SO SORRY! 
> 
> It’s been a long long summer but I’m back home from corps and ready to write! 
> 
> Thank you to those for sticking with me and please, don’t give up on me! I can do this!! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one!

Hot... he was hot, he was burning from the inside out. It felt like flames seductively licking at his limbs, coloring them black and red. Like fire surrounding his every movement, always there to sting him, burn him; preventing him any rest, any respite. Death was singing to him, calling to him. 

‘Come now, Loki. It’s time to stop running from your inevitable conclusion.’ 

He tried. He reached for her, straining his muscles to extend as far as he could reach. He wanted to grab her hand, let her take him to his peace. Whether or not it was Valhalla, it had to be better than this. This endless Hell without Thor at his side. Without Heimdall’s surprisingly useful knowledge. Without Valkyrie’s drunkenness to lighten the mood. 

He was remotely aware of someone’s palm on his boiling forehead, and he flinched away from the contact. He heard a voice say something, but it wasn’t distinguishable. 

He tried to pry his eyelids apart, to see, but it was futile. 

Another wave of pain flared in him, and he felt his magic course chaotically through his body. He thought maybe he felt sparks at his fingertips.

The voice said something again, but he still didn’t understand it. 

He wanted Thor. He wanted his big oaf of a brother at his side, being the amazing king Loki always knew he could be. He wanted his crushing hugs, he longed for the simple praise he would offer him before everything went to hell. 

‘You’ve done well here, Loki.’

‘Whatever do you mean, Thor?’

‘I just mean... you’ve aided in our people’s survival and helped them adjust. And you’ve stayed.’

‘Did you think I would have left?’

‘To be quite honest, yes.’

‘I’m here,’ he would say. ‘I’m not planning to go anywhere to else.’

Thor would smile. It would be wide, and genuine, and Loki’s heart would do this little flip at knowing he could make Thor smile like that now. ‘I’m proud of you, brother.’

Brother... 

He was his brother, always, whether he hated him or loved him. 

Finally, words seemed to be more conceivable, and the voice spoke to him again. “Hey, relax.”

It didn’t sound like Bruce, and Loki wondered what the disappointment he felt meant. 

He was finally capable to open his eyes, and when he did, he saw a mass of blond hair, blue eyes, and a very concerned, tense looking face. 

“Thor?”

He regretted as soon as he said it. 

The man visibly winced. “No,” he said awkwardly. “It’s Steve... Steve Rogers.”

Ah. That’s right. Because Thor was dead. 

“I’m sorry,” Roger’s uttered. 

“Don’t be,” Loki was able to croak out. He closed his eyes again, licked his lips, and reopened them. “Water?”

There appeared to already be a glass of water at their disposal, and Roger’s moved to help Loki take greedy gulps. “Careful,” the captain cautioned. “Not too fast.”

“Hmm,” was all Loki said. 

Steve’s movements were stiff, tense in the presence of Loki. He couldn’t really blame him. Last Loki had really been face to face with the Captain of America, he’d been throwing punches at him in Midgard’s Germany. 

To be completely honest, Loki has always respected the man. He went in, shield at his hip, fighting an alien he knew nothing about, regardless of the consequences. While everyone else had kneeled at his command, there was one man standing. 

That doesn’t mean Roger’s didn’t irritate him. 

“Bruce just stepped out for a moment,” the man told him. Loki looked at him. He was rigid, fidgeting with his hands and glancing at Loki quickly before looking back down to his fingers gripping each other. 

“It is obvious, captain, you have something to say,” he croaked. 

Steve swallowed. “It’s fine, I know you’re tired.”

“Nonsense,” he shook his head. “Speak up about what is on your mind.”

Clearly nervous, Roger’s bit his lip, giving himself a moment to process what is was he wanted to say. “This Thanos guy,” Loki flinched. “How likely are we to win?”

Loki blinked, his brow furrowing. He wasn’t expecting that. He opened his mouth, but hesitated, closing it again. 

“It’s just,” the captain began again. “The way you talk about him...” he stopped, shaking his head. “How likely are we to win,” he repeated, his voice taking on more definition. 

Loki almost didn’t want to answer. He’d thought, deep down, from the beginning that there was no chance of victory in this. Thanos had taken everything from him. Taken his people, his brother, all the way down to the aspects of himself, his very will. 

He swallowed, though it was difficult against the lump in his throat. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I thought...” he stopped, taking a deep breath. “I thought that there was no victory for me in this. For you. All of you. But, now... after seeing him, after...” he trailed off again, closing his eyes. Nausea was fighting with him. He took another breath, opening his eyes again. “I hate him,” he clenched through his teeth. “I want him dead.”

He heard Steve clear his throat. “Then why did you ever work with him in the first place,” he asked, but it was said with caution. “Why did you let him-“

“I didn’t ‘let him’ do anything,” Loki hissed. “It’s not that simple.”

“So you keep saying,” Steve said, and Loki was sure he heard a hint of condemnation in his voice. “But you don’t explain.”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” Loki retorted.

Steve shook his head, clearly displeased. “Don’t you think you owe us that much?”

“I don’t owe you anything, Captain Rogers.”

Loki didn’t back down against the man’s hard gaze. Finally, Bruce walked up to the two, pausing. He looked between them, awkward. “Is everything ok?”

Steve and Loki looked at each other a moment longer before Roger’s broke his gaze. “Sure,” he said. “We’re fine. It’s fine.”

Bruce frowned, but didn’t ask when Steve grazed by him, away from Loki. Bruce’s eyes glanced at Loki, brow arched. “Do you enjoy antagonizing the team?”

“I antagonized no one,” Loki clipped. “Roger’s just came looking for something I couldn’t give him.”

Bruce didn’t look like he understood what that meant, but he didn’t mention anything. Instead, he took a step to Loki, sitting on a little stool by the god. “How are you feeling?”

Loki looked down at his hands. “I’m fine,” he said. Bruce didn’t look convinced. “I’ve been better,” he answered honestly. 

“Tell me your symptoms.”

Loki furrowed his brow. “Other than absolute exhaustion and a slight headache, nothing.”

Bruce gave him a hard look. “You’re sure?”

“I swear it, Doctor, I am fine. If anyone needs looking after, I suspect it would be Strange.”

Bruce looked disappointed. “Somehow, I don’t believe that.” 

Loki sighed. “What is it you want to ask?”

“What makes you think I have something to ask?”

There was an evident pulsing behind Loki’s eyes, but he attempted to ignore as he continued his conversation with Bruce. “Never in my life has someone found me not suspicious.”

Bruce frowned. “I don’t find you suspicious. I just want to make sure you’re okay,” he paused, hesitant, clearly uncomfortable. “I know how Thanos must-“

“Don’t,” Loki breathed. The Titan’s voice still lingered in his mind. “I can’t. Not now.” The look on the doctor’s face suggested that he very much heard the shaking in Loki’s voice that he tried to suppress. He ignored it for now, and instead asked, “what is the time?”

Bruce looked down at a watch on his wrist, and sighed. “It’s 3:34 am.”

Loki furrowed his brow. “Oh,” he said, and it was small. “I apologize for keeping you up.”

A small, genuine smile spread across Bruce’s lips. “Don’t worry about it. I kept myself up worrying about you.”

A hitch in Loki’s breath. “You were worried about me?”

Banner seemed confused at Loki’s own confusion. “Well, yeah. You were out cold, and very feverish. And I mean, I am a doctor, but you’re not exactly human and so I didn’t really know what to do. I was hoping letting you rest it off was enough.”

Loki felt himself blink. “Oh,” he mumbled. “I see. Well, resting it off seemed to work just fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Quite,” Loki nodded, swinging his legs over the edge of the small cot he lay on. “I assume everyone is resting.”

Bruce seemed to want to say something, but Loki saw him let it go. “Yeah,” he said. “Steve couldn’t sleep, so I asked him to watch you while I went to find some food. I hope that was fine.”

“Of course it was, why wouldn’t it be?”

Again, Bruce paused, hesitant. “I don’t know,” was what he decided to say. 

Loki felt himself fiddle with his fingers, a nervous habit he picked up while under the Titan’s command. Always anxious, always on edge. He didn’t think he knew how to be calm or collected on the outside anymore. 

Thor had always helped with that. 

“I apologize if I seem,” Loki pauses, unsure of what word to use. “Terse. I am attempting to... not be.”

Bruce shrugged slightly. “It’s fine, I just want you to know I’m not trying to put you in uncomfortable situations, so if I ever do anything that does make you feel uncomfortable just tell me. I know you and Cap aren’t on the best of terms.”

“I am positive I’m not on ‘the best of terms’ with anyone here,” Loki said. 

Bruce gave Loki a knowing smile. “I wouldn’t be too sure.”

Loki looked up from where he was still fiddling with his fingernails, frowning at Bruce. “Beg pardon?”

“From what I hear, the princess likes you. You’re not what you think you are.”

Loki scoffed. “I wouldn’t delve into this conversation, if I were you.”

“Well, you’re not me. So, I can say what I want.”

Loki blinked, surprised by the doctor’s bluntness. “Alright, I suppose you can.”

“I’m just saying. You’re not... all bad,” Bruce smiled.

Loki chuckled softly. “I suppose you’re all not... ‘all bad’ either.”

Bruce smiled wider. 

...

When the sun was shining bright that same morning, Loki and Bruce has stayed up the majority of the time just... talking. They had a lot more in common than Loki had thought. 

And not once did they mention Thanos. 

It helped Loki immensely. Gave him the escape he knew he needed but would never get. It was a small reprieve, but it was a relief nonetheless. 

It didn’t last long. 

Loki and Bruce were taken out of conversation to Captain Rogers bursting through the door, saying something about a woman named Wanda. He heard the name Vision mixed in there, but he didn’t know what that meant just yet. 

Apparently, they were being “called in.”

Loki wanted nothing to do with it, especially at the moment. But the thought of Thor and his mighty determination to help his... friends, made his stomach lurch and he agreed to tag along. 

In truth, Loki didn’t have much choice. Like hell they’d trust him alone in Wakanda. 

Bruce sat next to him on the plane. He was grateful for it. Those joining on the ‘mission’ consisted of Rogers, Natasha, Clint, and of course, Banner. Tony stayed back to work on things with Shuri. 

Again, Loki could feel Clint’s eyes burning holes into him as he stared, but Loki refused to look up. That, right now, he could not deal with. 

“So,” Natasha spoke up from the drivers seat, and Loki looked up from his lap to her, still avoiding the burning stare of Barton. “You feeling better?”

It was then Loki realized the question was addressed to him. “Quite,” was all he said. He felt Banner stiffen next to him. 

He heard Barton scoff, but didn’t look at him. Natasha was eyeing him with something.... something. He couldn’t quite place it. 

“Right,” she said. “Good. If it’s bad over here, we may need you.”

“You will most definitely need me.”

Bruce nudged him with his elbow, as if to say ‘behave’. Loki rolled his eyes, but looked back to Natasha. “I only mean to say,” he started with a little bit more grace. “That if this is Thanos’ children, I know them. I know how they fight.”

“I get it,” was all she said. 

Loki decided after all of the questions asked towards him, it was his turn to bite. “Who is Wanda and what is Vision?”

“Who,” Rogers corrected.

“Pardon?”

“Who is Vision.”

Ah, Loki thought. Vision was a being, not a thing. “Alright, then. Who are they?”

“I don’t see that that’s any of your business,” Barton bit out.

“Clint,” Rogers addressed, short, but soft. “I know this is hard-“

“You don’t know shit.”

“Look, Clint,” Natasha said from the cockpit. “Whether you like it or not, Loki is working with us.” Her voice wasn’t gentle, but it wasn’t harsh either. 

Banner relaxed a little next to Loki. “Loki has been answering all of our questions and cooperating, it’s only fair we do the same.”

Loki shifted in his seat. He saw Clint flex his hands, his chest expanding as he took in a deep breath. When he let it out, he seemed calmer. “Yeah,” he said. “Alright.”

Loki swallowed the lump in his throat. Natasha gestured to Clint, who went and took the wheel of the plane while Natasha gave Loki specifics.

Apparently, Wanda Maximoff was a woman who had been held captive by HYDRA for most of her life, where they experimented on her in attempts to understand her abilities. According to the group, they all fought each other a few Midgardian years back. 

Vision... the story of Vision made Loki’s skin crawl. An AI come to life with the power of the mind stone. The mere thought of that stone gave him chills down his spine, not to mention...

“You do realize, I hope,” he started. “That this Vision has a target on his back.”

“Well,” Rogers said, sounding worried. “If I got anything from the tone of Wanda’s voice on the phone, I’d imagine they took their strike.”

“Shit,” Banner whispered. “Do we know if he’s alright?”

Steve shook his head. “She didn’t want to give any more information until she saw us.”

Loki almost winced. “If it was indeed Thanos moving to get that stone, I fear he was able to retrieve it.”

“You don’t know Wanda,” said Rogers.

He hoped she was enough, whoever she was. 

...

When they arrived, at what appeared to be some Midgardian travel tunnel, most likely by train cars, it was a mess. 

There was a young girl, long red hair waving past her shoulders. She was holding who Loki suspected to be Vision, who had a deep wound in his abdomen, affecting the circuits within him. 

But Loki couldn’t think about anything else other than the mind stone glowing at the robot’s forehead. He shuddered, remembering all the well the way Thanos used it to muck around his head. 

Steve Rogers was at the girl’s side, wiping blood away from a cut on her cheek. He began to assess Vision. 

“Damn,” Bruce whispered next to him. 

“Indeed,” he answered. 

Bruce sighed, rubbing his palm across his face. “I guess I’d better go check on them. Make sure there’s no serious injuries.”

Loki stepped aside, giving him room. “By all means,” he said. “It would appear this... Vision, has quiet the wound to his systematic components.” 

Bruce went, and Loki didn’t follow. 

So, the fight appeared to be over. Which was a good sign, right now. A victory, possibly. The fight was over, and the stone was still in their possession. 

However, that also means that there is without a doubt a very angry Thanos out there. Frustrated at yet another unsuccessful attempt to obtain another stone. 

It was fine, Loki told himself. It was fine. 

They’d just have to go from here. That he could do, for now. 

For Thor.


	9. Flayed Open Raw, I Am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get Vision back to Wakanda, and they discuss removing the stone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Been a while but I’m back. So... I had a surgery yesterday and I’m a little out of it, but I can’t do much other than write so I thought, here’s an update. I started the chapter before but never got a chance to finish it. So here it is!
> 
> So I’ve come to realize when I write this story I include everyone I can in the story, but I don’t necessarily give Loki a relationship with any of them.... YET. I have plans. We’re closing in on the first part of this story, as I’m sure you guys can tell. 
> 
> Anyways, you know the drill. ENJOY!

Steve decided it best to stay back and talk things through before heading back to Wakanda. Loki wasn’t opposed, but he also wanted to get that stone in the robots forehead as far away from this location as possible. He didn’t voice his mind, however. 

According to the young woman, Wanda Maximoff, they had been attacked by creatures Loki knew from their description to be Proxima Midnight and her brother Corvus Glaive. They were working together in efforts to remove the stone from Vision. They managed to kill Glaive, but Proxima was able to escape, taking the body of her dead brother with her.

Good, Loki thought to himself bitterly. ‘See what it’s like, to lose a beloved sibling.’

Wanda had stated they needed to get Vision to Wakanda as fast as possible to save him from his wound, but the robot insisted he was fine. 

However, now came the ‘what next’ conversation. They were all seated on the plane, yet still not taking off towards Wakanda just yet. 

“So,” Wanda said. “What exactly is going on here?”

Vision, who has appeared to stop sparking near his wound, stiffened. “I have been sensing a concerning interference as of late with the mind stone. Is that what this is?”

Bruce, sitting next to Loki, who was standing, nodded. “There’s been some... stuff, happen lately.”

“What do you mean,” Wanda asked. 

Loki decided not to waste time. “Thanos, is his name. He seeks all six infinity stones in order to obtain ultimate power. What you just witnessed, that was the Black Order, or Thanos’ children. That was only two, there are more. They work for him endlessly, would quite literally die if it meant he got what he wanted. He has been able to obtain two, and he will not stop until he has them all.”

It all came out so fast. He took a deep breath after speaking, feeling Bruce’s concern next to him. Clint had an undefinable expression, Natasha was next to him looking indifferent, and Steve was frowning. 

“I’m sorry,” Wanda said, a small smile on her face. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

Loki blinked, slightly taken aback. “Loki, my name is Loki.”

Wanda’s eyes widened. “You’re Thor’s brother!”

Loki flinched. “Yes,” he hesitated. “I mean no harm. I’m sure he told you all about my mischievous ways.” 

She frowned. “I didn’t think you meant any harm. And he spoke so highly of you. He said you had died a heroic death.” 

Loki couldn’t stop the tiniest of smiles, soft... sincere. “He did, did he?”

Vision spoke up then, eyeing Loki like he didn’t trust him. “Where is Thor?”

Loki looked down, biting his tongue. He heard Rogers clear his throat. “Dead,” was all he said, voice hesitant; hard. 

Loki clenched his fists. Gritted his teeth. Took a deep breath and tried to get the image of his brother’s crushed skull out of his head. Bruce was next to him. It was a comfort. 

“I’m so sorry,” Wanda started, but Loki cut her off.

“We’re getting off track. We need to get that stone off of you, or protect you somehow, but if Thanos gets that stone he is one step closer-“

“If you take the stone away from him he’ll die,” was all Wanda said. Her voice was hard. “You can’t do that.”

“I didn’t say I would let him die, did I? I may be able to remove it without harming him.”

“Oh,” she said. 

“You can do that,” Natasha asked, sounding unsure. “You’ve put yourself through a lot these last three days.”

Loki grimaced. “I’m not so weak as that.”

“No one said that,” Rogers spoke, though he sounded careful. It made Loki angry. “We’re just worried.”

“I’m not,” Clint said under his breath, but Loki payed no attention. 

“I’m only saying, if I can remove it, I can put it right there with the time stone.” 

“And where is that,” Vision asked.

“It would take far too long to understand. For now, l’ll just say a dimensional pocket.” 

Which, speaking of, Loki was sure the wizard would oppose of him keeping it, but in the end, he agreed it was safer in hiding than around his neck. 

“And if you can’t remove it,” was the first knowledgeable question or statement that came out of Clint’s mouth. 

“I’m sure Wakanda has the means,” Bruce suggested. “Look, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Right now, I think our best bet is letting the man with literal magic powers try.”

“I think it best we wait until we reach Wakanda,” Steve said. He turned to Clint. “Can you get the plane started?”

Clint nodded, heading to the pit, Natasha following him. Loki hated how much lighter he felt with Clint’s exit. Hated how it made him feel. 

Loki was not guilty, no. But it was something else, something... different than guilt. Maybe worse, maybe not. He didn’t know what to feel, and it irked him.

When they were all seated and the engine ignited, Vision eyed Loki like there was something missing from Loki’s story. 

Loki avoided his gaze, instead looking down at his fingers, which he was nervously picking at. 

“Are you okay,” he heard Bruce’s voice next to him, low enough only for them to hear. 

Loki didn’t respond, but with a curt nod of his head, Bruce let it go. 

He wondered what this Maximoff woman had about her. He sensed something clearly ringing of magic of some kind. It made him uneasy, not knowing. But he also wondered if she felt the same thing. 

He figured there was no harm in asking. 

He cleared his throat, and she looked up at him. “If you don’t mind me asking,” he started. “What is it that I sense from you?”

She looked uncomfortable for a moment, as if not understanding what it was he was getting at. But after a moment, something dawned in her. “Oh, you mean my powers?”

She sounded young, Loki thought. “It is not typical,” he said, and after a moment, winced. That probably sounded rude, and that wasn’t his intention. “I mean, it’s not what I believe to be magic. It’s different.”

She smiled slightly, as if she found him amusing. “It’s chaos magic.”

“Ah,” he said. I see, he thought. This woman has the ability to manipulate chaos magic. “That’s very versatile magic.”

She nodded. “Yes,” she agreed. 

“Tell me about it,” he heard Roger’s mumble. He saw her wince slightly. 

“I don’t understand,” he said carefully. 

Wanda’s next words had a hint of guilt in them. “I am telekinetic. I may have used these powers on everyone before.”

“I see,” he said. He didn’t need much more than that. “Well, that’s very impressive, I’ll say.”

The captain looked at him as if he said something incredulous. “Did you just give a compliment?”

Loki suddenly felt very uncomfortable. “I suppose I did.”

“Huh,” Roger’s laughed. “You’re really not the same at all, are you?”

He flinched, and it was involuntary, and it made him angry. His fingers were suddenly clenched into fists, Thor’s words clear in his head.

‘You can be so much more.’

He remembered those words so well, as he writhed on the ground of Sakaar, thinking he was wrong, there was no way. Being good, and being more, was not something Loki was capable of. 

He swallowed, and looked at the captain in the eye. “No, Captain Roger’s, I am not.”

“Well,” he defied. “You’re not blowing up buildings and throwing punches at any of us. I’d say that’s a good change.”

Steve shrugged, as if it was that simple.

“I am no better of a man than I was. Perhaps not even a man at all.” 

He heard it. He heard how dead his voice sounded, how mute of any emotion it had. Like Death herself was speaking through him. Empty. 

He didn’t want to sound like that, in fact he tried to have a bit of fire in his words. Clearly, that didn’t work. 

Steve frowned, seeming like he wanted to argue. He opened his mouth like he was going to, but in the end he must have decided against it. 

Bruce’s presence next to him was suddenly very there. Loki licked his lips, and brought his attention back to his hands. 

It was silent for a while, the atmosphere of the situation slightly uncomfortable. He could still feel Vision eyeing him, and wondered if he would ever speak. 

Upon that thought, the Vision’s mouth opened. “I feel I must ask, how do you know all of this?”

“All of what,” he challenged. 

“Everything with this Thanos. The status of the stones. How do you know all of this?”

Loki clenched his jaw, fighting the image of Thanos’ Chitauri peeling the skin off of his back in one chunk. 

Anger flared, and he didn’t bite it down this time. “Considering my brother died for it, I may have some idea.”

“I think it runs deeper than that,” Vision suggested.

Loki glared at him, quick. “Deeper than my brother’s death?”

Vision didn’t twitch. “Yes.”

Loki stood up then, not sure what it was he wanted to do, but it must have been a bad sign considering Bruce was at his side, hand on his shoulder.

It was then Loki realized he was seething. “Have you something to say,” he dared Vision. “By all means say it.” 

Vision seemed to realize then he may as well have stuck his finger in a wound. “I only mean to say, the mind stone... it feels something... something, from you.”

Steve was standing then too, alert. “Maybe now isn’t the time.”

Loki ignored him. “Perhaps it senses something from me because my remnants is still tainted by it. My first encounter with the stone was... not pleasant.”

“How do you mean?”

“I don’t have to explain anything to you.”

“I understand it-“

“You understand nothing!”

His voice risen, Vision stopped pushing. But Loki didn’t stop. “Do not speak to me of things you do not understand. The mind stone may be currently aiding in your ability to perform, but that does not mean you understand or comprehend a damn thing about it.”

“Loki-“

“None of you understand what you are about to face. Are facing. Thanos will ruin you, break your realm and watch it burn while he laughs. There is not a single thing you can do to stop it.”

“Hey,-“

He didn’t stop. “Perhaps Thanos had a point when spoke of mercy. You, oh yes, he will kill every single one of you. But I? No, I am not worthy of death, I never was. Death is not for me. To die by Thanos’ hand is a privilege, and it is one I will never have.”

His panting breaths caused him to choke on his words. Thor was there again, in his head. ‘Be calm, brother.’

But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. 

It was silent, the only thing to be heard was the sound of the engine and Loki’s heavy breathing. 

His eyes were clenched shut. There were hands on shoulders, and he could heard a faint voice but it didn’t matter. None of this mattered. 

Fury. 

Red, blinding rage suddenly overtook him, but he managed to keep it at bay. He wanted to tear Thanos apart, listen to the Titan scream as Thanos had listened to his. 

“Loki,” he heard Bruce speak carefully. His voice laced with caution. “It’s okay.”

No, he thought. No it isn’t. None of this is, or ever will be okay. 

He exhaled what sounded like a dry sob.

His rage faded, and what was left in its wake was shame. What a wonderful display he just put on. This was how it was... Thanos still has control over his emotions, over his very will, even at the absence of his presence. 

“We will win,” was all he heard through his haze, and he opened his eyes to see Wanda looking at him with a fierce determination. She was faced in front of him, her hand on his shoulder. “I’m not one hundred percent sure what happened to you, and I don’t know you very well, but none of that is true. If I understand correctly, that’s what this Thanos wants you to believe. You can’t let him in your head. You just can’t. Then he’s already won before he even has the chance.”

Her eyes, as they looked at him, glimmered with something Loki couldn’t put his finger on. Something... understanding. Like she knew without knowing. He closed his eyes again, too much of a coward to let himself see. 

He slumped, and Bruce lowered him into the seat. With his head hanging forward, and his chest constricted, he felt like he lost. Much like Wanda said- this was a Titan’s Victory. 

...

Finally, they made it back to Wakanda, back in the lab with Vision flat on his back on a table for Shuri to analyze. Loki had expressed his possible ability to remove it without harming him, but she wanted to examine him before anyone did anything. 

He could understand, of course. It was a piece of ancient magic that no one understood, and human’s curiosity is one of their greatest virtues, Loki had to admit. However, he wanted it somewhere secure as fast as possible. 

Trying to forget his outburst on the plane, he listened to Shuri talk. “The structure is polymorphic,” she said as she held a holographic form of the stone in her palm. 

Banner was next to her, watching as she worked. “Right,” he agreed. “We had to attach each neuron non sequential.”

Loki detected a hint of nervousness in the doctor’s voice. Loki became aware of the audience then: Tony, Peter, Natasha, Clint, and the wizard. All huddled around the table. Wanda was the closest, nearest to Vision. 

Steve had left, saying he had a friend to attend to. Loki didn’t know what that meant.

T’Challa was here too, though a little further away, listening from a distance. 

Shuri frowned, giving Bruce a very unimpressed look. “Why didn’t you just reprogram the synapses to work collectively?” 

Loki saw Vision glance up at Bruce, who looked embarrassed. “Because we didn’t think of that...”

Shirt smiled. “I’m sure you did your best.”

Wanda spoke up then. “Can you do it?”

“Yes,” she said, though hesitant. Loki wasn’t sure about it. “There are more than two trillion neurons here. One misalignment could cause a cascade of circuit failures-“

Loki cut her off. “Then allow me access to this.” 

Shuri turned towards him, a look of concern on her face. “You’ve done so much these past three days, Loki. I can see you are exhausted.”

Loki was sure she was right, but that didn’t make him any less inclined to the notion. “I am perfectly capable. I know I can safely remove that stone without harming him or causing him to... shut down in any way.” 

To be completely honest, Loki couldn’t care less about whether the Vision was harmed or not, but he wasn’t going to voice that. And he certainly wasn’t going to put in less efforts towards him. That would just be too obvious. 

“Loki,” Bruce said, drawing his attention. “I’m worried you don’t understand how he is working in the first place. How can I believe you know how to do this without that knowledge?”

He couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed by Bruce’s suggestion, though the man had a point. “I suppose I cannot assure you in any way. If I may be blunt, you’ll have to trust me.”

He knew he would head Clint scoff, but no one commented on it. “I say we let him try,” Natasha Romanov said aloud. 

Loki looked to her, incredulous. She chuckled slightly. “What? You clearly haven’t done anything to harm the team, and while I still most definitely don’t trust you, I don’t believe you’ll change your mind.”

He didn’t respond, because frankly, he didn’t know what to say. 

Wanda turned to Shuri. “I say letting Loki try is our best bet. There is too many risks with your version.” 

Loki thought Shuri might look opposed or even insulted, but instead she smiled slightly. “If you believe you can do this, Loki, I will allow it. But I need you to be careful. Both for Vision, and for yourself.”

He pursed his lips together, and nodded. He didn’t know why, but she made him feel very raw; naked and flayed. Like she could see right through him. 

She moved aside so he could step forward. He glanced down at Vision. “I suppose the question is do you trust me to do this?” 

Vision looked at him closely, as if seeing something Loki couldn’t. Finally though, he nodded. “Go ahead.”

...

Loki had everyone exit the room, and Shuri assured him there were some guards outside the door, in case anything happened. The calm hum of Loki’s magic gave him some reprieve from the past few days that were full of chaos. Although there was a twinge when he worked, it wasn’t horrible. 

Vision was calm along side him. They both spoke to each other, a little. 

‘Despite how I seemed on the jett,’ Vision had stated. ‘I am sorry for your loss.’

‘I apologize for my reaction,’ Loki had replied. 

‘I met Thor a while back.’

‘You did, did you?’

‘He was kind, but there was certainly a fire about him.’

‘There always was.’

‘I’m sure.’ 

There was... a sense of tranquility, to be able to perform his magic and speak about his brother in a manner that didn’t have him on his knees screaming. 

He wondered what Thor would be doing, were he here. He couldn’t help but think Thor would be declaring a victory before the fight had even begun. It brought the smallest of smiles to his lips. 

However, as he was sure Vision would, he mentioned the mind stones connection to him. 

“I can’t help but ask, why is the mind stone seemingly so... attracted to you?”

He swallowed, keeping his breathing calm. “It is a... lengthy tale.”

Vision chuckled slightly. “I think we have time.”

Loki took in a deep breath, held it, and then let it out slowly. Though, still, he couldn’t speak. 

“My only guess is that you have had contact with it before.”

Loki twitched slightly, still managing to keep his magic focused. “It was... something along those lines.”

“I can also sense a connection to Thanos through this stone.” Clenching his jaw, Loki nodded curtly. Vision seemed to have a moment of realization. “Did Thanos use it against you?”

Loki hated how his voice almost sounded gentle. He ignored it, however. “Not exactly,” he stated, surprised at how even his voice was. “It wasn’t like that. I wasn’t controlled by it.”

“But you were influenced, am I correct?”

Loki remembered it. He remembered it so vividly. The mind stone within his scepter, which was so graciously offered to him by the Titan himself. How it fueled off of his hatred and anger and pain and made him... violently more so. “You could say that,” he whispered. 

Silence for a moment, and Vision seemed to realize something else then. “I see,” he said. 

“Do you?”

Vision locked eyes with Loki. “Yes, I believe I do.”

Raw, was what Loki felt. Like he’d been seen right through. “I wasn’t controlled,” he said again. “I made my own choices. I took the opportunity given to me and used it to gain power for myself. My will was my own.” 

He hated how... rehearsed it sounded. As if Thanos had been right next to him having him repeat it over and over in fear of something worse. But... that wasn’t what happened. 

Vision didn’t respond. 

Before he even got the chance, Loki felt it. The shift in the air, the pure thickness of it. 

The first shuttle of the enemy hit Wakanda’s ground, and Loki knew he didn’t have a lot of time. 

He and Vision locked eyes again. They nodded at one another, and Loki pushed his magic a little harder. 

He could do this. It surprised him, but he trusted T’Challa and his army. He trusted the Avengers. He just needed to trust himself.


	10. Win the War, Lose the War, It Will Not Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanos’ army lands on Wakanda, the battle happens, and Thanos has a not so good reunion with Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so hear me out.
> 
> I have no included the guardians only bc it didn’t make much sense if Heimdall sent Bruce and Loki back to earth and Thor was dead so they wouldn’t have met, and Tony wasn’t lost in space Bc fuck that, so they never came up. 
> 
> However, they are working on their own and the scene in Knowehere did happen just off screen. I plan on writing perhaps a long one shot of their perspective of finding the statesman and the destruction Thanos caused. 
> 
> But for now, everything is happening off screen relative to my fic. 
> 
> Same for the fight scene here, that while I do not include all characters, they are there and fighting. 
> 
> Also, introducing new characters there if you find it. In the next few chapters Loki will begin to form relationships with who is left and what not. 
> 
> But here is this chapter and thank you so much for the comments and kudos and the commitment you guys have given to my story. 
> 
> Love y’all. 
> 
> Enjoy!!

Wanda Maximoff hung back after everyone had left the room. She noticed Bruce Banner had stuck near Loki the longest, and she saw them make eye contact, Loki giving him a curt nod before he finally left the room. 

She left too, but she couldn’t quite make her way towards everyone else. Bruce noticed this, and turned his eyes to her. “Are you alright,” he asked her. 

No, she thought. But she didn’t express it. “I’m just worried,” was what she went with. “Vision is... important to me.”

Bruce smiled a wan smile. “I know. Somehow, Loki has become important to me too, in a strange way. It’s hard for me to leave him alone, especially now.” 

She fiddled with her hands for a moment, before looking up at him, curious. “What happened to him?” 

He frowned, his face almost defensive. “What do you mean?”

She shook her head, inwardly face palming herself. “I don’t mean to pry, I only meant... I can see pretty clearly he’s been... hurt.”

“His brother was just gruesomely murdered by a madman with a gauntlet,” Bruce replied. “Of course he’s been hurt.”

“I know that, I just sense something else. Like- like he’s been through so much.”

Bruce twitched, a little. “He has,” he said. “Let’s just say, this isn’t his first encounter with Thanos. The rest... you’ll have to ask him, it’s not my place to tell.”

She nodded. “I understand.”

After a moment of silence, which was awkward to say the least, he offered, “are you ready?” as if to follow him. 

She hesitated. “Do you think I should stay here?”

Bruce gestured to the guards nearby. “There’s people here if anything goes wrong.”

“They don’t have powers like I do,” she said. “Which I don’t mean in... any arrogant way...”

He nodded. “No I understand,” he said, smiling. 

“I am only saying, I can help along side them, and I’m resourceful. I can help.”

The look on the doctor’s face seemed hesitant. “You could also be useful when the fight starts. It’s coming, Wanda. We may need you.”

She frowned. “I would be out there the minute I was needed, but right now I think I’m needed here.” 

Bruce opened his mouth to reply, but before he could voice what he was to say next, the floor shook underneath them and they heard a loud thump against Wakanda’s ground. Distantly, they heard movement and voices of their army getting ready. 

“Alright,” he said. “Stay here, I gotta go.”

She nodded. “Go.” 

She watched him go, and made her way back inside the lab. 

...

Loki’s magic was festering inside him quickly, and he knew he didn’t have much energy should the enemy make it in here. However, he didn’t stop, and he felt a fine sheen of sweat begin to develop on his forehead. 

The Vision didn’t seem to be faring any better. His eyes were closed, as if in some pain, and Loki really was trying to be as gentle as he could. 

This task was certainly harder than he had anticipated. He could see and feel all of those circuits the princess was talking about, and it was hard to avoid setting any off. If he did... he didn’t want to think about the catastrophe. 

“Are you doing alright,” he heard Vision bite out.

Loki swallowed. “Of course,” he said, wincing at the wobbling of his voice. 

However, Vision didn’t get a chance to reply before the door opened and Loki felt fear spike through his bones. He couldn’t lose focus, so he didn’t turn his attention to the door.

“Wanda,” he heard Vision ask, and relief washed through him. So they were safe yet. “What are you doing here?”

He couldn’t see her, but he could feel her behind him. “I figured I could be of more help here. If anyone tries to interfere.”

Loki heard the sheer fear in her voice underneath the distress. 

Loki could hear it, the war happening just outside. The war he should be fighting, the war he started. But this, the protection of this stone was important. He couldn’t afford to lose this. 

Loki didn’t listen to the conversation happening between the witch and Vision, too focused on the magic beginning to burn in him. His breathing hitched for a moment, but he was able to gain control. He’d been draining himself dry since that day on the statesman. 

Thor’s face appeared in his mind, but he pushed it away. If he thought about that now, he would definitely lose focus. He can’t afford that. 

The fight outside continued, and he couldn’t help but think how everyone was doing. How Bruce was doing. If he was still okay. He couldn’t help but picture the doctor laying facedown in the field, limply laying in a pool of his own blood.

He flinched at the thought, and just focused on the hum of his magic, which had become louder in his ears in the last few moments. 

Before he could even form his next thought, he heard the flash of the window shatter near them, and he felt pieces cut through his flesh, but he remained in his magic. He heard Wanda and the men who were waiting outside the door fighting next to him, and hoping it was enough. Praying to... he didn’t even know, that it was enough. He couldn’t lose this chance, he couldn’t fail in this-

A four fingered creature wrapped its fingers around his face, pulling him away and to the ground. He felt his head’s impact on the floor with a grunt. Vision was pulled off the table as well, Wanda getting up from the floor where she’s been hit, her magic flaring red as she shot the thing off of Vision.

The creature on top of him dug it’s nails into his stomach, and he hissed, but managed to twist out from under him and summon a blade to slash in its throat. 

He was panting, and Wanda was by Vision’s side, the other two of Thanos’ army dead around them. Much to Loki’s dislike, so was Wakanda’s warriors. 

“Are you alright,” Vision asked him. 

“I’m fine,” he said. “I need to try again,” he said, and he knew he sounded frantic. 

“Loki, we don’t have time,” he retorted. 

“Vision, we can’t let-“ Wanda tried, but five more of Thanos’ creatures puddled up through the broken window, and he was lost in the fight again. 

Two slugged towards him, and he summoned another knife, one in each hand. It was then he realized he had no armor. 

Dammit. 

He went for the one on the left, sweeping his feet under the one on the right, taking both down at the same time. A knife made its way in one of their throats, but the other twisted away before he could manage it, it’s long-fingered hand hitting him in the nose, and he stumbled back. 

He mustered up the magic he could and sent him flying back towards the wall, a loud howl crawling it’s way out of his throat in sheer frustration. It didn’t cover up the sound of the creature’s neck shattering at the impact, falling to the floor, limp. 

He looked up just in time to see Vision fly out with one of Thanos’ Outrider’s against him. 

“Dammit,” he yelled, panicked. “Dammit!” 

“Loki,” Wanda said, equally if not more so alarmed. “We’ll get him. We’ll get it.”

His confidence was wearing thin. He didn’t know if they would. But he nodded nonetheless and Wanda grabbed his wrist and pulled him with her into the air, following after Vision.

...

He and Wanda landed on a stone balcony, Vision above them against the wall, an Outrider’s hand wrapped around his throat. Wanda’s magic pulled it off of him, and Loki slashed it with his knife as it came down. 

Vision fell, landing hard on the stone. Anger was Loki’s initial thought. “Stop being ridiculous,” he hissed. “I need to get that stone off of you.”

“Look around you, Loki,” Vision bit out and he did. 

It was pure chaos, men and women of Wakanda fighting with unending determination and loyalty, and Loki was watching one fall one by one by Thanos’ army. However, it was the same the other way around. 

He looked towards Vision. “We don’t have time,” Vision said again. “You have to destroy it.”

Loki twitched backwards. “I-“ he started, but he didn’t know what to say. 

“No,” Wanda said miserably. “Vis, no, we can figure something else out.”

“There is nothing else-“

More Outriders, Loki saw. He exhaled, and began fighting again. 

He was lost in it, anger and fear and pain taking control of his body where he didn’t even know or care what it was he was doing.

He was pulling apart, he was slashing with his knife, screaming and yelling and howling as he killed one by one. Blood began to cover his clothes, and somewhere during the fight, he summoned some armor for protection. 

Red overtook his vision, rage overtook his body, and pain and loss overtook his heart and he before he knew it, he was in the field, distracted by his hatred and need for revenge. 

He took one out after the other. 

Somewhere in his rage, hands were pulling him off of an already dead creature that he continued to plunge his knife into, its blood painting his clothes like a canvas. 

“Loki, stop, stop!”

The voice, he registered it. Steve Roger’s calloused hands pulled him back to reality. “It’s okay,” he was saying, even in the midst of war. “Calm down, Loki, calm down.” 

He was able to control his breathing as well as he could, and nodded, looking Roger’s in the eye. Steve’s eyes were on him, a look of sorrow and understanding in there. “You need to get to Vision, in the forest.”

Never in a million years, did Loki think he would be working alongside the man he was punching back in Germany. Or the man he threw out of a window, the man he manipulated into turning Hulk back in the hellicarrier all those years ago. Or with Romanov, or Clint. 

It should be Thor. 

It should be Thor...

He nodded, shaking his thoughts away and running as fast as he could.  
...

He had to push through multiple Outrider’s and kill multiple more. He was panting as his heart beat against his ribs, too hard and too fast. But he pushed past his fatigue and finally he hit the trees and pushed further inside. 

Sweat was running down the sides of his face and down his back. His muscles were screaming at him, his magic fighting itself within him. 

Further in he got, the more aware of noises happening he became. His heart stopped, along with his legs. 

Vision, down on his knees. Wanda, tears running down her cheeks, a line of red magic coming from her fingertips to the stone on Vision’s forehead.

And there, just behind her, Thanos.

He thought he would be ready to see him, but nothing could prepare him for that. 

Somewhere in the midst, two men Loki didn’t recognize, one with a set of metal wings and one with a metal arm, were both taken down, another man in what looked akin to Stark’s suit falling to the ground, Natasha Romanov under spikes of stone, and Steve Roger’s catching Thanos’ gauntleted fist before being knocked down with the other of Thanos’ fists. 

It was like it was happening all in slow motion, and Loki wanted so badly to do something, to move, but he was paralyzed in place, feet rooted to the ground. 

Wanda turned from Vision, her face wretched, and lifted her other hand, pushing against Thanos’s own magic as he made his way closer and closer to her. 

Loki watched, a roaring in his ears. He saw Vision looking at Wanda, speaking to her, his mouth forming the words, “it’s okay, I love you” before finally, it shattered, and Loki felt it splinter in his mind, and he grabbed both sides of his head, falling to his knees. 

He growled, and it took a moment for the pain to diminish, but when it did he felt... lighter. Like something that had been weighing him down was finally gone, like he was... free. 

He was panting when he lifted his head, Wanda down on her knees next to what looked like tiny pieces of a completely torn apart Vision. Like her heart had broken, and Loki couldn’t help but feel it reminded him of himself, and he felt his eyes burning. 

“Oh,” Loki heard Thanos’ deep, baritone voice vibrate in his bones. “Well that won’t do.” 

Wanda didn’t react, just continued to sit there, staring blankly at the floor. 

Thanos, though, turned to him, and Loki’s breath hitched. He smiled. “I believe, Loki,” Loki flinched. “That you have something I need.” 

He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. 

Thanos moved closer to him. “Come now, Loki. I trained you better than this. I made you into something akin to steel. This... little charade you’re playing, it won’t do.”

He was right there in front of him, and he was trembling but he couldn’t stop. Thanos placed his bare hand on Loki’s cheek gently, and a sound came up his throat that he didn’t recognize. 

“You have the time stone, do you not?”

He swallowed, but couldn’t muster up the voice. Thanos’ hand had moved down to his shoulder, and he squeezed it, pushing him back down to his knees, and Loki felt it pop out of place with a yelp. 

Thanos’ face was close to his, and he was dimly aware of this whine coming out of him. “Do I need to ask again?”

“No,” he forced out. 

“No you don’t have the time stone, or no I don’t need to ask again?”

Loki couldn’t breathe. “I-“ he couldn’t.

Thanos squeezed harder, and Loki grunted in between his teeth. “You were once a Silvertongue, frostling. Whatever happened to that?”

“No, you don’t need to ask again,” he shuddered. 

He was dimly aware of those around him watching, unable to do anything. Shame was what he felt. 

“And yet, you still do not answer the question,” he pushed Loki lower to the ground, and he was panting while Thanos pulled his shoulder further away from its socket. “That’s fine, however. I know you have it. It’s whether or not you’ll simply give it me, or if I must rip it from your unwilling flesh.”

Loki may be terrified, but he still had some pride. He glared at him, defiance deep in his bones. 

A crack, and Loki was down to the floor, his arm hanging limply next to him. Thanos stood up, circling him. “Oh, Loki. Have you not learned? Have I not taught you?”

He leaned down again, whispering in his ear as he struggled on his side, his other arm on his injured shoulder. “You can not defy me.”

There was no preparing for it. The sheer ferocity of Thanos, even without the aid of the mind stone, plundering into his head, crawling through his thoughts and burning him from the inside out. 

He was aware of his screaming, but he couldn’t help it. 

He was pulled out, gasping on his back, Thanos’ hand still on his forehead. “Do you miss your brother,” he asked, and Loki couldn’t stop the whimper that made its way out of his throat. 

Thanos pulled him in again. 

‘His brother, down at his feet, his skull completely caved in, blood pooling around Loki’s feet as he stood above him.’

‘His people, Asgardians and Jotuns alike, calling out to him, blaming him as they burned alive in front of him.’

‘Loki in chains as Thor bashed his head in with his hammer.’

“Stop,” he called out, and much to his surprise, Thanos did. “Stop, stop...” he whispered, his breathing too hard and too fast. 

Thor, help me.

But he wasn’t going to. He was dead. 

“Loki, you suffer for nothing,” Thanos said. “I thought by now you would know that if you simply stopped displeasing me, you would have a much finer experience.” 

Loki managed a laugh. “And give the stone to someone like you? You think yourself a righteous being, providing mercy for the universe and universes beyond,” he faltered a moment, but smiled a cruel smile. “You are nothing but a pathetic creature in need of being in control-“

His hand wrapped around his throat, squeezing, cutting him off from air. “Is that any way to speak to your master? Your father?”

His fingers frantically tried to pry the Titan’s hand away, scratching at his skin, but it was futile. Perhaps Thanos would kill him. Loki wondered what would happen with the stone if he were to die? Would he take it with him to Hel, or would it be free for Thanos to take.

“Do you fear death,” Thanos asked him. “You needn’t.”

He choked, pulling harder at his giant hand at his throat. “Th-“ was all he managed. 

“Death is not a prize you are worthy of, Loki Laufeyson. You are worthy of nothing. You are good for nothing,” he smiled. “Aside from possibly being my children’s time of passing in their boredom.”

Did Thanos forget that all of his children were dead. That the entirety of the Black Order was gone, most of them killed by Loki himself. 

Stars were forming in the corners of his vision, and darkness was slowly coming to swallow him whole. He almost wanted it to. 

However, Thanos let go, and Loki coughed and choked as the Titan moved his hand down Loki’s chest. “Oh, Loki. You truly believed I could not compromise your petty defenses.”

He felt Thanos’ magic pushing against him, and he tried to fight back. 

“Wait-“ he tried, but he became fully focused on keeping him out. He could feel him pulling the stone out from him, tearing him apart in the process. 

He tried pushing the Titan’s hand off of his chest, his eyes squeezed shut, but there, he felt it. Thanos had it.

“No,” he said, but it was too late. Thanos ripped it from him, and Loki screamed as it tore at him and his magic, creating a deep gash in his magic. 

It went dark for a moment, and his hope dwindled down to nothing. 

“No,” he whispered, but Thanos was gone, already back next to the still mournful Wanda. 

Thanos already had it placed in his last slot on the gauntlet, the time stone shining as he turned back time, realization dawning on Wanda’s face so fast, but it was too late. 

She tried to stop him, but Thanos knocked her backwards a few feet, and Loki gave up. 

Vision reformed, and he looked confused as he stared up at Thanos, who took him by the throat. Vision struggled, but Loki knew it was futile. It was useless. This was hopeless. Thanos would win. 

Thanos used his index finger and thumb to rip the stone off of him, and Vision stopped struggling. Completely limp in the Titan’s hand. 

Thanos let go of him, throwing him to the floor, his body gray and eyes empty. 

It was then Loki realized he had one single tear making its way slowly down his cheek. Thanos turned to him again, smiling. “Loki,” he said. “I think by now you know, and perhaps you always knew. But it’s important that Earth and planets beyond it know that,” he paused, looking around the destruction he caused, and smiled wider, his fingers forming into a snap. “I am inevitable.”

Loki pushed himself to his knee, his heart pounding because this couldn’t be happening. “No!”

And Thanos snapped his fingers.


	11. Returning the Favor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People fade away into dust, and Loki begins to feel some things that affect him for the rest of his life. 
> 
> Also, Thanos uses the stones again. Loki knows what the means. They have got to get them. 
> 
> It doesn’t turn out the way it should have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left some parts of conversations out simply because I couldn’t remember exactly what was said and I couldn’t find it anywhere. So I used what I had and tried to make it make sense. 
> 
> This chapter, though, is my favorite I’ve written so far. I enjoyed it. I hope you guys like reading it. 
> 
> A lot of it isn’t any surprise since you guys know what will happen. But I hope I depict Loki well. 
> 
> The next chapter or two I imagine will be long, where Loki forms some relationships in the five years before Endgame. 
> 
> Anyways, on you go. Hope you enjoy!

Loki watched in dismay around him at the utter despair and chaos. It was too much to handle. He looked around, his heart heavy in his chest, as if Thor had set Mjolnir upon him and left him there to ponder. 

He was still planted to the ground on his knees, bruises on his neck from Thanos’ strangulation. His arm still hung limply at his side, knowing his shoulder was popped out of place but unable to feel it. His magic was split inside of him at the Titan’s invasion of it, his mind splintered due to his claws digging deep within his head, grabbing and taking whatever information the Titan needed. 

He knew, however, he would heal much faster than most of those who stood among him now. 

“Steve...” 

He turned around to find the man with the metal arm, (he’d never even learned his name), shudder away into dust, Steve watching it happen with confusion and desperation to understand. He fell to his knees where the man once stood, his gun absent of an owner, a reminder of what once was. 

Bruce, Clint, Tony, and the spiderling had somehow come into the mix, all four watching in horror. 

Loki watched Wanda flutter away next, nothing to leave behind. 

More and more were reduced to nothing but dust, and somewhere in the middle of it, he’d lost track and he stopped paying attention. Just stared at his hands, and the destruction he caused. 

“What the hell is happening,” he heard Tony ask, but he couldn’t give an answer. 

Loki thinks he understands. Thanos had always spoken of mercy, and every once in a while he would slip information to Loki during his time with him about his plans. 

Fifty percent of the universe’s population... just gone. 

“Mr. Stark,” Loki heard the boy say, and dread filled his stomach because no, he was too young. Too young for this, for the war. “I don’t feel so good.”

His voice trembled, and Tony looked at the boy, confusion along with despair mixed in his gaze because he understood. He knew what was to happen. 

Peter Parker, still just a kid, just a child, fell into Tony’s arms, pleading. “I don’t wanna go, Mr. Stark, I don’t wanna go, please.”

Tony gently lowered him to the ground, speechless. He put the boy in a position where he could lean his back against a tree behind them. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry...” 

And that was it. The boy was no more. 

The air was thick with defeat, and there in the woods, the Avengers and other defenders and soldiers alike, stood at the end of world.

...

Loki would later learn the men and women that had disappeared into dust, into nothing, later that day. 

The list was a long one, but as he tried to sleep that night, he read them in his head over and over, guilt gnawing at him. 

Bucky Barnes, the Winter Soldier, Loki learned. 

T’Challa, the Black Panther, king of Wakanda. 

Wanda Maximoff, a powerful master of chaos magic. Probably one of the most powerful Loki knew. 

Sam Wilson, the man winged with metal. Falcon, he liked to go by. 

Peter Parker, Spider-Man, just a boy, a mere child who was too young to die.

Doctor Stephen Strange, who ended up declared dead because he was nowhere to be found after the battle, and that made Loki’s stomach lurch. He didn’t like the man, not at all, but he wouldn’t wish him to suffer alone in his death. 

He listed them out, over and over. Loki knew they were not the only ones on this miserable ride to Hell. He knew there were thousands more lost, millions upon millions. Fifty percent of the universe just... wiped out. Gone. Deceased. 

And the one man who made him weep that night, who finally broke him to tears because he couldn’t hold it back anymore. A man dead by different means, by Thanos’ hand himself. 

Thor Odinson, brother of Loki Odinson, king of Asgard, or what was left of Asgard. The Golden Boy, the one worthy of Mjolnir, the one who fought to the death to protect his brother and his people. 

Thanos was right. This pain, the loss, the guilt, the utter despair threatening to take hold of him and drag him to oblivion, was the worst pain he would ever feel. And it would never fade. 

...

Days later, everyone was called together in a meeting room to discuss ‘something important’, Bruce had said. 

They weren’t in Wakanda anymore, but some hidden away base of some kind. Loki didn’t really care for the specifics. As long as there wasn’t any American government coming for his blood, he would be grateful for his stay. 

Loki followed, but wasn’t sure what good any of this would do. He didn’t voice that aloud, however. 

Loki took a seat at a table in the corner of the room, intending not to say a word. Natasha Romanov stood near a table in the center of the room where a holographic image of Midgard was on display. Bruce stood a bit behind her. Steve Rogers was off to the side, his arms across the chest. Clint was back in another corner, and Loki felt for him. 

His family had all disappeared, he later learned. Clint hadn’t spoken to Loki since, not even a glance. No witty comments or bitter conversation like before. 

Loki didn’t blame him. This was all his fault. He would live with that for the rest of his life. 

Tony stood against a wall, his gaze somewhere else.

There were two other people in the room Loki didn’t quite recognize. A man who went by the name Rhodey, and Loki came to know he was a friend of Stark’s. Next to him was a woman, one Loki didn’t see at any point in the time in the battle. She was blonde, and tall and lean. She had a determination about her, a strong stance. 

Natasha spoke up then, leaning against the table and fixing her gaze on the image of earth. “He used the stones again,” was all she said.

It didn’t surprise Loki, so he didn’t speak. Of course he used the stones again. A mad man with power doesn’t just use power once. He would know. He was a madman with power. He was nothing now. 

Loki supposed someone suggested they go in and get them, but he didn’t hear it. 

Bruce’s voice filled the room. “Hey,” he drew out, cautious. “We would be going in short handed, ya know.”

“He’s still got the stones,” Rhodey said, matter-of-factly. 

The women who was still nameless to Loki, said: “then let’s go get him. Use them to bring everyone back.”

It sounded so simple. He knew it wasn’t. Still, he remained quiet, along with Tony and Clint, who both didn’t look present. 

“Just like that,” Bruce asked.

Rogers nodded. “Yeah, just like that.”

Natasha’s voice was trembling ever so slightly when she spoke next, and she turned around to face the group. “I mean if there’s even a small chance we can undo this, we owe it to everyone who is not in this room to try.”

“If we do this,” Bruce started again. “How do we know it’s going to end any differently than before?”

“Because before you didn’t have me,” the woman said, voice hard. Loki turned to her, and he felt a small amount of admiration for her. 

Rhodey didn’t look convinced. “Hey, new girl,” he said. “Everybody in this room is about that superhero life, and if you don’t mind me asking where the hell have you been all this time?”

She looked at him, that same determination shining through her words. “There are a lot of other universes out there,” she said and paused for a moment. “And unfortunately they didn’t have you guys.”

Roger’s raised his eyebrows slightly, as if surprised. Loki saw the smallest of smiles on the man’s face. 

“You’re oddly quiet,” he heard Natasha comment, and he realized she was speaking to him. 

He turned his gaze to her, his fingers nervously tapping on the table. “What do you want me to say,” he asked, and inwardly winced at the sound of his voice. “I imagine you’ll do whatever you want despite what I have to say about the matter.”

He heard Clint’s breath tremble next to him, and he looked over to see him seething at him. “Why do you get to voice anything at all?” 

“Clint-“ Steve tried, but Clint wasn’t having it. 

“This whole thing, this entire situation is because of you,” Clint said, voice hard and grating. “If you hadn’t done his bidding in the first place, and rubbed your family issues all over this planet, we wouldn’t be here right now. And from what I understand, Thor died protecting your ass, and if you ask me, I would say it wasn’t worth a damn thing,” that, Loki thought, hurt, and he flinched. But Clint didn’t stop. And Loki took it. He wouldn’t shy away from this, he was not that cowardly. 

“Don’t you see, Loki? You, and you alone, bring chaos and death, pain and destruction, everywhere you go,” he was speaking through clenched teeth, his breath coming out in short, sharp gasps. 

Everyone was watching in sorrow and confusion and caution. Rogers tried to interfere again, but Clint wouldn’t stop until he said what he needed to say. 

“You should not be the one here, you asshole. You are the one who should have fucking died, not Thor. Not anyone else. Fuck you! Fuck all of this! My family would not be dead if it weren’t for you!” 

He stopped, panting, looking down on Loki in disgust, and Loki was looking back up at him. 

What Loki said next, must not have been the right thing to say. “I know,” was all he said. 

Clint yelled, and it was full of sheer rage, as he ran towards Loki, who was still sitting in the chair, and tackled him. They both went backwards, and it was an awkward position to say the least. Clint was on top of his, clenching Loki’s shirt in his hands, the chair underneath both of them. Clint shook him. “God damn you Loki!”

Before Clint could harm Loki, before he could get any punches at him, Bruce and Natasha had him off of him in an instant. 

Loki almost wanted to protest. Let him, he wanted to say. I deserve it. Let him beat me and make me bleed.

He didn’t however; just lay there for a moment, listening to the group trying to calm Clint down, which in the end, they did. Bruce had helped Loki up somewhere in the middle of it all. 

“Are you alright,” he had asked. 

Loki didn’t respond, but the doctor didn’t ask again. 

In the end, they all agreed to go. With the help of the woman’s powers, who was now named Carol, and Loki’s ability to go world walking, they could make it. 

Rogers face was hard. 

“Let’s go get this son of a bitch.”

...

Carol, or Captain Marvel, Loki discovered to be her other name, was to move in first. Apparently Thanos had moved to a desolate planet, where he would live after his victory. 

As Loki looked around at the... beauty of the scenery, the flowers still alive and sprouting, the grass and leaves green as could be... well it pissed him off. All of that destruction he caused and he just... retired to this... mundane lifestyle? After calling the humans pathetic for it? 

No, he had used the stones again. But for what? 

Captain marvel slammed into Thanos in his cottage, and he flew backwards with her. She wrapped herself around him, holding him in a choke hold and pushing the gauntlet away with her foot. 

That was their cue. 

Banner, in his suit built by Tony, came and grabbed the gauntleted hand, holding it away and restraining him. On the other hand, was Rhodey.

Loki barged in, a long dagger in his hand, and brought it down upon the Titan’s wrist. The glove, along with Thanos’ hand, fell to the floor. 

Thanos howled, and Loki relished in the sound. Oh how he longed to listen to that sound. 

Steve, Natasha, Clint, and Tony stood in a line, and looked down at the gauntlet. They all glanced at each other. 

The stones were not there. Loki’s heart fell in his stomach. He looked up at Thanos, and saw lines of burns from the stone’s power along the sides of his face and body. 

“Where are they,” Rogers asked, Thanos still moaning from the pain of his lost limb. 

“The universe required correction,” he paused, pain in his voice. “After that, the stones served no purpose. Beyond temptation.”

No, Loki thought. No... he didn’t. He couldn’t. That wasn’t possible. 

“You murdered trillions,” Bruce yelled, and pushed Thanos to the ground on his back. 

Loki’s breathing hitched. 

“No,” he said aloud. He didn’t mean to. Dread filled his stomach. 

“You should be grateful,” Thanos bit out, and his response was a punch to jaw. 

Natasha, Loki saw, stepped forward. Her face was full of despair. Like she already knew what happened. 

Loki knew too. 

“Where are the stones,” she asked, voice trembling. She was shaking, and Loki felt for her. 

Loki closed his eyes, because he knew what Thanos would say. 

“Gone,” Thanos said, and Loki opened his eyes to see him staring at him as he said the words. “Reduced to atoms.”

“That’s impossible,” Loki whispered. 

He was panting, and he couldn’t stop. 

“You used them two days ago,” Bruce exclaimed. 

Thanos looked away from Loki to Banner. “I used the stones to destroy the stones,” he said. “It nearly killed me. But the work is done. It always will be.”

Again, Thanos looked to Loki, who was shaking himself, his breath trembling. “I am... inevitable.” 

Loki flinched. “You’re lying,” he seethed. “Tell me you’re lying.”

Thanos just smiled at him. 

Rhodey spoke up then, but Thanos didn’t take his eyes of Loki. “We have to tear this place apart, he-he-he has to be lying.”

“Obviously,” Tony finally spoke. “He’s lying. He has to be.” 

Loki heard desperation in their voice. 

Clint, however, still didn’t speak. 

“No,” Loki said. “No. Thanos is many things,” he couldn’t make his voice stop trembling. “But he is not a liar. Not once, in all my time knowing him, have I heard a lie escape his lips.”

Thanos looked to him. “Oh, Loki. Have you not learned? Have you not suffered enough to understand? Have my marks on your skin faded enough for you to forget? You told me, child, that I would never be a god,” Thanos chuckled, and it was deep. It made the bones inside of Loki’s skin rattle in rage. “But it would seem, little frostling, it is you, who will never-“

Loki’s magic responded to his rage before Thanos could get another word out, and he swiped his arm across the air in front of him, the room igniting in a blinding green light. When the light vanished, Thanos was limp on the ground, his skull caved in, blood rushing out in fine tendrils. He was shaking, his breath was trembling, his hands quivering at his sides. 

“What did you just do,” Natasha said, her voice full of anguish. 

Loki’s breath was a little more stable, but he looked down on the Titan in disgust, in rage, in sorrow, in desperation. “I returned the favor,” he said, and he saw Bruce wince. 

The doctor knew what he meant. Again, a flashed image of Thor’s death ran through his mind, but he pushed it away. 

And it was utter silence. 

...

Loki’s suffering would never end. He would never forget the pain Thanos induced on his skin, the scars fading but still forever there. His claim would never be gone. 

Even at Thanos’ death, his plague remained, his ghost in his dreams reminding him of failures. 

Even five years later, as he continued to work with what was left of the Avengers, he never forgot. And he never would.


	12. Heavy Shoulders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months later, Loki is struggling with guilt, and he has a few conversations with some familiar faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter going up. This one was... hard to write. Like really hard. But it’s one of my favorites so far.
> 
> Also by far the longest chapter I’ve written in this story. 
> 
> Yes, Thor is in this chapter, but it isn’t as fun as you’d think. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Six Months Later...

The world mourned for those lost and those gone. Memorials all around the world, tears shed in millions, monuments built in memory for the disappeared. Hearts broken, crying out for their loved ones who were no longer. Desperation to understand. To understand why such a thing has happened, and why. Anger, and loss, and rage and pain were thick in the air wherever you were.

The people left behind were left to clean up the messes of the consequences of Thanos’ snap. Pilot’s planes crashing due to the driver suddenly disappearing, cars, trains, boats, helicopters, anything that could cause destruction, it did. 

New York was still a mess, remnants of that first attack that felt so long ago littering the streets in the form of debris. 

Wakanda mourned for their lost soldiers, their lost king, the lost princess. Okoye the only one left. Their lands were in ruins, and the Avengers stayed behind to help rebuild and aid in reparations as much as they could, but at one point, knew it was time to go. 

The world was mourning. Crying out, screaming. 

No one could stop it.  
...

After in aiding in Wakanda’s rebuilding and repairs, the ones who were left had returned to the base where they all first met a while ago. Trying to help anywhere they could, aid in whatever they could aid in. They didn’t get called in much anymore. They weren’t Avengers anymore, and they hadn’t been for a while. But they were still a team.

The newest member of the team, though he would deny those words if spoken to him, was Loki.

Clint Barton, the Hawkeye, had fled nearly three months in his stay. No one had heard or seen from his since. 

Tony had gone back to Pepper, settling down with her, being there for her like he felt he’d failed to do before. 

Captain Marvel left to aid in the reparations of other planets and universes, helping where she could. 

The rest remained. 

...

Loki had his own room, though it didn’t feel like home. He was currently tidying up what he could, though he didn’t have much opportunity to create any mess. He didn’t move much, and when he did, it wasn’t in this room. 

Bruce Banner was coming over to his room. They met once a week to... converse. Loki wasn’t sure why they did. Two months ago, Bruce came in to talk about what had happened, and to say the least, it wasn’t a pleasant conversation. Tears were shed, and comforting words were said between the two. Since then... it was just routine. 

Not that they didn’t talk during the week if they crossed paths, but this was... private. Loki had come to trust the man with his life, and that shocked him to his core. The only man Loki had trusted with his whole heart was Thor.

He tried not to think about Thor too much. Not lately. It was too much. 

Loki’s room wasn’t anything personal. If anything, it was very much the opposite. Four plain walls, painted a very dull gray, had no pictures or painting of any kind. There was a very small kitchen, big enough to cook in when he wanted, however, off to the side. A bed; full size. A closet. A bathroom. Everything necessary.

There was one resource for pleasure of sorts, and that was his television. He didn’t watch it much, but when he did it was mostly the news. And he never found pleasure in that, so he stopped watching. 

But he didn’t implement anything of himself in the room. It wasn’t his. Nothing was, anymore. 

Just as he got the middle table ready for dinner, he had a prepared a pasta of sorts, there was a small knock on the door. 

He casually stalked to the door, opening it with ease. Bruce Banner stood outside, and Loki stepped aside gently to let him. 

He smiled as he made his way inside Loki’s room, but it was small. 

“How are you,” Bruce asked him.

Loki swallowed, always hating that question. The man knew the answer, so why ask. “Fine,” he lied anyways. 

Banner wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he went and took a seat on the sofa, not turning on the television. He’d done that once. They both regretted it, the world’s mourning too loud for their ears. 

Loki licked his lips, closing the door behind him and following Bruce to the couch. He looked tired, the dark circles under his eyes proving Loki’s assumption. He seemed thinner too. 

Loki was sure he looked no better, however. 

“And you,” Loki asked. “How do you fare?”

Bruce nodded. “I’m alright. Maybe a bit better.” 

If there was a term that Loki could think of that would best describe their meetings, it would be akin to a human’s therapy session. 

“Wakanda’s gotten in touch,” Bruce started. “They’re healing, though it’s still hard. They’ve cleaned up most of the damage.”

“That is good,” Loki said, if a little awkwardly. “Who rules there, right now?”

Bruce shrugged, looking dispassionate. “I have no idea. I don’t think anyone does. I don’t think they’ve had time to worry about it.”

Loki bit his lip. “Has anyone heard word from Barton?”

Bruce looked up at him, brows furrowed. He shook his head silently. Loki’s gaze slid away. “Loki, it’s not your fault.”

He scoffed, but it was empty. “Oh, Banner,” he said. “I know my sins.” He still didn’t turn back to Bruce, who looked disappointed. 

“Clint left on his own dilemma. That had nothing to do with you.”

“You and I both know it had a great deal to do with me,” he replied. “He was right. And I live with that.”

He could hear Bruce wince. “I just don’t agree.”

“I didn’t ask you to.”

Bruce looked a little taken aback, and Loki had to admit it sounded a little more bitter than he had meant it to. 

“I know,” he said anyways. “Doesn’t mean I can’t have my own opinion.”

Loki finally worked the courage to look at him. “And what is your opinion, Bruce?”

Bruce studied him. “I think you carry a little bit too much weight on your shoulders.” 

“And I think I don’t carry enough,” he looked away again. 

“What do you mean,” the doctor asked. 

Loki licked his lips, inhaling slowly before letting it go. “Do you know how many people died? How many disappeared? How many suffered at the Titan’s hand?”

Bruce twitched next to him. “I don’t... I don’t know. Way too many.”

Loki raised his eyebrows, giving the smallest of smiles. “That I agree with.”

“I don’t get your point, Loki. I feel like you’re rambling.”

Loki sighed, and it was louder and more irritated than he meant. “I mean, Doctor Banner, that the world mourns. What they mourn for, is something I started. Therefore, I will carry the world on my shoulders.

“But that’s not enough is it? There are planets beyond this one, and even more universes. They’re all suffering the same thing we are, so, no... it’s not enough. I don’t carry enough.”

Loki looked at him again, and the man looked horrified, almost. Bruce stuttered a moment before finally speaking. “Loki, that sounds a lot like self-punishment.”

“That’s because it is,” he replied. “Of course it is.” He said it with such finality, and his chest suddenly felt a little heavier. 

“That’s not how it works, Loki.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No,” Bruce said, shaking his head. “You fell,” Loki couldn’t suppress his flinch. “You fell for a long time. Thanos found you. He took you, and dug in your head and found the weaknesses he could use against you.”

Loki’s breath rattled. “What’s your point?”

“Thanos started this, not you. This, all of this,” he made a grand gesture. “Is Thanos’ doing and his doing alone.”

Loki smiled, but it was humorless. “He wasn’t alone, though, was he? He had me.” Bruce opened his mouth to reply, but closed it when he couldn’t figure out what to say. Loki took it as a victory. “It’s fine,” he said. “Like I said, I know my sins.”

Bruce didn’t press further on the matter, and Loki couldn’t help but feel relieved. 

Loki stood, Bruce looking up at him in surprise. “Come, lets have dinner.”

...

When Bruce left, Loki felt drained. He cleaned up the table and washed the dishes before heading to his bed against the far wall. He fell down into it, on his back, and he let out a harsh breath. 

“Brother...”

“No,” he whispered, digging the plans of his hands into his eyes. “Not tonight, Thor.”

He waited for the reply, but when he didn’t get it, he released the pressure on his eyes where he stared up at the cieling, taking another deep breath, and letting it go. He closed his eyes.

Moments later, he heard him again. 

“Brother...”

He opened his eyes again, staring back at the ceiling. “What do you want, Thor?”

He looked over to his left, and sure enough, there he was. Thor still wore his armor, his one blue eye looking at him with a sort of sadness. 

Loki knew he wasn’t real. But that didn’t stop him coming. And it certainly didn’t stop him engaging in conversation with the dead man. 

Loki had started seeing him a few weeks after they killed Thanos. At first, it was nothing. Just his voice, and then it got worse and worse. A few more weeks after that, Loki started talking back. A little after, his brother’s full form manifested in real life. 

“Some of what you said concerns me, Brother.”

“What are you going to do about it, you’re dead,” Loki retorted. 

Thor flinched at that. “I am still here,” he defended, though his voice sounded hurt.

“No, Thor. No you’re not.” Loki stood up from the bed, facing him. “What concerns you,” he asked anyway. 

“Your lack of self-preservation,” his brother replied. “You shouldn’t carry such guilt. Too much guilt can drive a man mad.”

“Well,” Loki sneered at him. “That must be the reasoning for my seeing you.”

“I’m real, Loki.”

Loki pinched his nose with his fingers, annoyed. “No, you’re not.”

“I am to you.” Loki looked back up to him at that. Thor continued. “Perhaps I can offer you some advice. You were always good at offering me the same. If only you would talk to me.”

Loki smiled, but he didn’t really feel anything with it. He felt... empty. “Most of my ‘advice’ was to steer you off to trouble.”

Thor shrugged. “You still always got me out of trouble, either way.”

“I’m not in trouble.”

“Yes, you are.”

Silence.

His breath hitched, and he looked away a little aggressively. Thor took a step to him. “I want to help you.”

Loki’s inhale shook. He looked up at his brother, in the eyes, and Loki felt a single tear stream out of his. “Then come back,” he whimpered. 

“I’m right here, Loki.” Another step, and Loki couldn’t move. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He felt Thor lay a hand on his shoulder, and he hated how... real it felt, how if felt heavy against his skin and bones. “I’m right here,” he said one more time, but it sounded distant. 

When Loki looked up again, Thor was gone. 

His eyes raked the room, and he stilled his trembling hands and form before falling back into the sheets. 

He didn’t sleep well that night.

...

A walk. A walk was what he needed. 

Clear his head. 

Loki changed in to some more casual, comfortable clothing, the sun shining in through his window, coloring his walls a morning gold. 

“Where are you going?”

Thor was there again, smiling at him as Loki prepared himself to leave the room. 

“On a walk,” Loki said. “You’re not invited.”

Thor chuckled softly. “I’m always invited.”

Breathing always became harder when Thor was there. Like his brother’s presence created a thicker air, Loki’s lungs always constricting aggressively at the Thunderer’s words. 

“Why do you say I’m not invited,” Thor asked at Loki’s silence. Loki didn’t respond, trying to block out Thor’s too loud kindness. “It’s quite rude to ignore your guest.”

Loki spun on him from where he was getting his key ready to leave, where he could lock the door behind him, and lock Thor in the back of mind. “You’re not my guest!”

Someone knocked on the door.

Loki looked at the door, his nerves on high. When he turned back to where Thor stood, he wasn’t there. Loki was dimly aware of a sheen of sweat forming at his forehead. He wiped it away with shaking hands. 

He gingerly walked to the door and opened it. Natasha Romanov was not who he was expecting. Though he wasn’t sure if he was ‘expecting’ anyone. 

He looked down at her, noticing her much too tired eyes. Her hair, once blonde and short, had grown at her shoulders, red roots peaking out behind the platinum. 

“Were you talking to someone,” she asked curiously. 

Loki looked back at his room over his shoulder, and Thor was still gone. “No,” he said, turning back to her.

She didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t question it again either. “What are you doing,” she asked. 

Loki blinked. “Going for a walk.”

She nodded. “Okay, lets go.”

“What,” he asked. 

She turned away to leave, but looked back at him when he didn’t move. “We’re going for a walk.”

“We?”

She smiled softly, though it was small. “Mhm,” she nodded.

Loki didn’t see much point in rejecting her, no matter that he wanted to be alone. “Alright,” he said slowly, closing the door behind him. 

...

There was a nice pathway around the compound that they were able to take a track around. Loki enjoyed the scenery, flowers surrounding the pathway all the way around. 

It reminded him of his mother’s garden, but pushed that thought away before he could even think it. 

Natasha was by his side, walking with him, and she seemed so casual about it. However, Loki didn’t doubt there was an interior motive for this meeting. 

“May I ask of your inquiry for a walk with me?” 

She looked up at him through her lashes. “I just thought it was maybe time we talked.”

“Talked,” he repeated. “Mmm.”

It was silent for a moment, and then Natasha said, “Bruce talked to me,” and Loki clenched his fists.

He swallowed, frustration and betrayal fighting each other in his stomach. “Whatever he said, I do not believe they were his to say.”

“You two have been meeting,” she said, and it wasn’t a question. 

“Yes,” Loki answered. It wasn’t necessarily a secret, but that didn’t mean he, or Bruce, went around telling people. He wondered how she knew.

“He told me you said you felt guilty.”

Loki stopped walking, feeling his heart plummet into his stomach. He stared straight ahead, trying to keep his breathing calm. 

Natasha stopped a little ahead of him, turning around to face him.

“What do you want,” Loki asked her, and he couldn’t stop his voice from cracking ever so slightly. 

She cocked her head to the side. “I don’t want anything. I’m just trying to get an idea of where you’re at.” 

“Where I’m at,” he repeated quietly, and little dangerously. His eyes were narrowed at her, as if in warning. 

She didn’t heed it. “Yes,” she said. “I know a thing or two about guilt.” 

“Are you here to chastise me? Tell me I deserve my guilt? That I had it coming?” His voice was hard, deep in his throat. “You would be wasting your breath. I already know.”

She looked at him for a moment, something in her eyes but he couldn’t determine what it is. “No,” she said softly. “In fact, I think I’m here to tell you the opposite,” she frowned. “Well, maybe not the opposite, but something like that.”

He blinked, inhaling a shaky breath. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. He didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t saying anything at all.

“Loki,” she started. “I know what you’ve done. And you know what you’ve done. I’m not denying you committed crimes. But it shouldn’t define you like you allow it to.” 

Loki shook his head. “You’re wrong.”

“I’m not,” she said simply. “I would know.”

He stared at her for a moment, forcefully keeping his breath consistent. Inhale, and exhale. And then again. 

“I know what you’re thinking,” she said to him. “That you never would have thought those words would ever come out of anyone’s mouth, excluding maybe Bruce. But I think you needed to hear it.”

“I don’t need to hear it.”

She licked her lips. “What is it you need to hear then, Loki? What is it you want?” 

Her voice was too gentle, and it sounded loud to his ears. Kindness not something he was deserving of, her understanding and tenderness. She was speaking to him like he was but a piece of glass, and if she spoke too loudly, he would shatter. 

Maybe he would.

“Is it punishment? Is it penance you’re looking for?”

He felt naked, raw, at having being seen. “Why are you doing this?”

He couldn’t breathe.

She took a step to him. “Because for the past six months, I’ve watched you. I’ve watched the guilt fall so heavily on your shoulders you can barely breathe.”

A frantic energy took over Loki’s body, for a moment. He shook his head. “Does no one understand? Does no one see it?”

“See what,” she asked.

“I failed Thanos.” 

She frowned. “And?”

He looked up at the sky, wanting to yell. “Why does no one get it?” 

“Loki,” she said slowly, cautiously. 

She could see him losing his patience and calm. 

He didn’t stop. 

“I fell from the Bifrost. I don’t know how long I was falling, but it was long enough for me to forget my name,” stop, he screamed at himself, but he couldn’t. These words, he never thought he’d say to Natasha , of all people. Perhaps Bruce, but no one else. “Thanos found me, and the pain the Chitauri gave me, I was grateful for. To be able to feel something and hear my own screams, and their laughter.” 

He paused, taking a deep breathe. He was grateful for Natasha’s blank face, void of pity. Something Bruce wasn’t good at. 

“That passed. They never asked me any questions, they never wanted anything from me, no matter how much I offered. All they wanted was...” he trailed off, unable to say it. “Thanos came to me, and he offered me kind words and a gentle touch, and I was too weak to resist.

“He asked me what I would to do be free of it, and I said I would do anything. He knew the Tesseract was on Earth, and he wanted it, almost as much as I wanted it to stop. 

“When I failed, when you defeated me, I drew attention to this realm. I marked this planet and its Avengers a worthy opponent. And that is why you suffer. You, and planets and galaxies and universes beyond suffer because of my failure. I started the whole Norns-damned thing. Don’t even allow me to speak about Thor.”

He stopped, breath shaking. And he was again grateful for her blank face, like she was listening to a television broadcast on something simple. 

“I don’t deny any of that,” she replied. “Loki, maybe you did start it, maybe you didn’t. But in the end, you didn’t finish it.”

That snapped his gaze to hers. “I...”

She smiled a half smile. She knew she got him. “You fought with us, and you did your very best. Just like we did.”

“It wasn’t enough,” he said. “It never was. I never am.”

“Would you say that of us,” she asked. “Would you blame us, as well? We failed just as much as you did. Or is that different somehow?”

“Damn you,” he whispered, looking down at the ground. Coward, he thought, unable to meet her eye and she took a step closer to him, and then another, and she was now in front of him. 

“I don’t know if this means anything to you,” she said, her voice low. “But I trust you, Loki.”

He shuddered. “Romanov...”

“Just call me Natasha. Or even Nat, if you’d like.”

“Natasha,” he tried on his tongue. He was finally able to bring his gaze up to hers, and she smiled sadly. 

“Just think on that, Loki.”

And she walked away.

...

They were all called to meet again, and Loki couldn’t help but feel dread. Was there something that had happened? Was there something they could do?

Steve, Natasha, Bruce, and Loki, the only ones left, all sat around the table in the center of the room. Steve looked grim, his lips in a tight line, muscles tense. 

He spoke then. “We’ve heard from Clint.”

Natasha sat up higher in her seat. “Where is he?”

Steve shook his head. “We’re not exactly sure, but apparently, he’s assumed the name of ‘Ronin’. He’s been targeting criminals across the globe.”

He didn’t need to say more than that. Natasha looked like she understood all too well, and Bruce looked horrified. “We have to go get him,” he suggested.

“You won’t find him,” Loki said, drawing their attention. 

“We have to try,” Steve said. “He’s suffering, and he’s our friend, we can’t just leave him.”

“No,” Natasha started, her voice quiet. “Loki’s right. He won’t be found unless he wants to be.”

“Nat,” Bruce tried, but she shook her head.

“If he’s assumed a new name, he’s already committed. We won’t find him. And nothing we say would make him stop.” 

The captain was looking at her with sadness. “You’re saying we shouldn’t even try?”

“That’s exactly what I am saying,” she said, standing up from her seat. Loki saw her hands shaking ever so slightly. “Keep me updated, however.” 

She stalked out of the room.

...

Sometimes, Loki would venture to the training room to take out his frustrations. And frustrated would have to be an understatement. 

Rage boiled in his stomach. It had come out of nowhere. 

It was early morning, surely no one was up. 

The room had multiple forms of training, one boxing rink on both sides of the room, racks of weights, and mats for stretching littered the floor. It looked unused. 

Though Loki found himself in here quite a lot. 

He didn’t bother taping his knuckles before he began punching the bag hanging from the ceiling. What was the point?

He had magic, yes, and he could easily take it all out with that, but why drain himself of that when he could just punch his way out? 

It started light, held back impacts against the thing, the pounding almost consistent to that of his heart beat, which was loud in his ears, rage and anger stinging from under his skin. 

“Brother,” Thor said next to him, and he sounded sad. 

Loki ignored him, punching a little harder. 

‘The universal’s scales tipped toward balance because of your sacrifice.’

Ebony Maw’s voice rang in his head, and he could see him, walking over dead Asgardian men, women, and children. Like they were nothing, like trash. 

‘I know what it’s like to lose.’

Thanos dragging Thor’s limp body towards him, Loki surrounded by the Black Order. 

‘To feel so desperately that you are right.’

“Brother, stop.”

He didn’t, his impacts louder, echoing around the room, sweat forming on his brow. 

‘The Tesseract, or your brother’s head.’

Quite literally, Loki soon realized. 

Crushed skull, blood pooling from the gaping hole in his brother’s head, staining his hands. Wide, empty eyes staring up at nothing. 

Loki’s scream as he is held back, useless.

“Loki, please.”

Chains around his wrists and ankles, locking him in place on a stone slab, as if in ritual, pain his only friend.

‘Who are you?’ Loki asked, voice dull.

Thanos appeared next to him, putting a gentle hand on his head. ‘Sanctuary,’ he answered.

When he left, the pain began again, the Chitauri tearing into him, pulling him apart like a specimen to be examined. 

“Loki, you’re not there.”

And you’re not here, Loki thought, but didn’t say it. 

His breathing was harsh in his ears, and his chest was hurting, his hits against the bag enough to draw blood from his knuckles. 

Metal bands restraining him to a steel chair, Ebony Maw in front of him, a cruel smile on his face. He felt The Other’s long, clawed fingers on his temples. 

‘Twist his thoughts to our Master’s bidding,’ Maw’s voice drew out.

Pain flared in him as The Other reached in his head, pulling memories up to the surface. 

He threw his head back and howled.

Holding on to Gungnir, letting go of Gungnir, Thor’s terrible yell as he descended further into the void.

“Breathe, Loki.”

He wished Thor would go away. 

He ignored his brother still, memories too close to him.

Thor sneering at him as he dangled above the abyss, throwing him off the edge, his father’s laughter (No Loki) sending spikes into his heart. 

‘No,’ he broke away, gasping. ‘That’s not what happened. That’s not what happened.’

Maw crouched in front of him again, and Loki’s sweat ran down his face in trickles. ‘Twist him harder,’ he ordered.

‘No... no no no, please...’

He screamed.

Loki screamed with it, blood coating the bag where his knuckles made contact. 

“Loki, you’re bleeding,” his brother said. 

“Be silent!”

And he punched so hard, the bag flew across the room.

Thor was gone. The silence was suddenly overwhelming.

He panted, sweat coating his skin, making him shine, his hair sticking to his forehead. 

“It helps if you have a line of them,” a voice called from the door, causing Loki to jump. 

He turned around, and Steve Rogers was smiling a small smile at him. “I have some experience in punching those things to hell,” he said.

Loki looked at him, and then down at his knuckles. He whispered a small spell, and then blood and cuts went away. 

He used his magic again to summon another bag to hang from the ceiling. 

“Or you could just do that,” Steve said, walking further into the room. 

Loki ignored him, punching again, though much less aggressive. 

“Loki,” Steve said.

“What,” he snarled with a punch. 

“Need a spotter?”

Loki stopped, looking at him. He examined him for a moment, and then gave him a curt nod. Steve went behind the bag, hands on each side of it. 

Loki began again. 

Loki punched maybe three more times before Steve spoke again.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing terribly important,” he said, striking it again. 

“It seemed important enough to cause you to do that,” he said, gesturing to the very now useless punching bag across the room. 

Loki didn’t look at him, but he could feel Steve peering at him from past the bag. 

Loki’s blow was enough to make Steve stumble back, but the man kept his hold. “You said you have experience,” Loki muttered, his voice dark, and he hit it again. “You’re a smart man, you can figure it out.”

“Is that a compliment,” Steve asked playfully. 

“Shut up,” Loki grumbled, but he heard Steve chuckle. 

It was silent for a moment, his strikes against the bag loud in both of their ears. 

Another flash of Thor’s crushed skull. He threw his hand back, and the force of his hit was enough to make Steve stumble back further, one of his hands accidentally letting go. 

“Loki,” Steve said, voice going from playful to something serious. 

Loki’s exhale shook, and he stopped, letting his forehead rest on the bag. Steve let go, walking around to the god. 

“I’m sorry,” Loki said, but he didn’t know what he was sorry for.

Yes he did. He was sorry he failed, he was sorry Thor died, he was sorry the world was suffering, he was sorry about Clint, and he was sorry sorry sorry. 

His breath continued to tremble, but Steve just continued to look at him and Loki closed his eyes, head still resting against the heavy thing hanging from the ceiling. 

He gave a weak punch with his left hand, but it meant nothing. 

“It’s okay,” Steve said, and it was final.

Loki opened his eyes, looking at him. “How is it okay?”

Steve frowned slightly. “Well, maybe it’s not, but... for what it’s worth, I don’t blame you.” 

Guilt gnawed at Loki, biting him hard enough to draw blood in his entrails, pulling his heart strings hard enough to rip. 

“People keep saying that,” Loki whispered, and it was weak.

He didn’t even have the energy to feel shame. 

“Maybe you should start listening.”

Loki looked up at him, and Thor was smiling behind the man.

And he cracked. 

His legs fell from underneath him, and he landed on his knees. Steve followed him down. 

No tears fell, however, as much as he expected them to. 

Together, the two sat there in silence, and mourned.


	13. It’s Better Until It Isn’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3 years later.
> 
> Loki is still struggling.
> 
> But so is everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Another one! 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this. This is probably the last one until we get into Endgame plot! :)

3 Years Later

The world was still struggling to come to terms with the way of life now, but it seemed... better. Maybe not good, but it wasn’t worse. 

Loki could work with that. 

It had taken him a while for himself to become newly acquainted with who he was now, and that was a part of whatever was left of this team. 

Whatever that meant. It’s not like they went on missions, or were ‘called’ in anywhere. They didn’t have any type of command they followed, but according to Natasha, is was better that way. They just all tried to help where they could.

Loki mostly stuck to the interior work. If people were to recognize him, it would cause panic, and he really couldn’t handle that, and neither could the public for that matter. The American government, or whoever was in charge, seemed to leave him well alone. 

But all in all, the world was fairly silent. Nothing much, except the violence of grief that still held Earth’s occupants hostage, much like it still held Loki. 

But, grief was one thing, guilt another. To know you were at fault, and have no way of repairing the damage, no way of helping or fixing or taking back the weight of your mistakes. 

Natasha was constantly on him about it, although Loki supposed everyone was. Trying to reason with him, tell him it wasn’t all his fault. Which wasn’t true. No one, however, had tried to convince him that none of it was his fault, and he was grateful for it. They were smarter than to believe he was completely innocent. 

No one was good, by any means. Not even close, but they were better.

Currently, Loki was lounging on the couch, reading a fantasy classic Bruce had told him he had to read: Harry Potter. Loki was quite fond of it so far. Something for him to mindlessly escape to while also providing the ability for the wheels in his head to turn and to be intrigued and invested. 

There were lots of installments, and Bruce said he would give them all to him once he was done with the first one. 

“What are you doing,” Thor asked him, basically sitting on Loki’s feet on the other end of the couch. 

“Reading,” he replied. 

At some point, Loki had given up trying to ignore his brother. If this was the best he could have... 

And yes, he understood it was shameful to think of it in that manner, but what was a grieving brother supposed to do? 

“What are you reading?”

“You have eyes,” Loki retorted, not taking his attention away from the page. “See for yourself.”

Loki felt Thor lean over him, peering to see the words on the cover of the book. “I’ve never heard of it,” he said, leaning back. 

“I don’t think you’d like it,” Loki said. 

“Why?”

Loki smiled softly, finally taking his eyes off the book once he found a good stopping place, gently placing a book mark in the crease. “You just wouldn’t. Not your style.”

Thor cocked his head to the side, small smile playing at his lips. “Should I take that as an insult.”

“No,” he replied, a smile of his own twitching his features. “Not necessarily, at least.”

Thor chuckled, but slowly Loki saw his smile fade into something close to sadness. “Are you feeling better?”

Loki twitched, a little taken aback by the question. “I don’t have the faintest idea to what you’re referring to,” Loki said lightly, throwing his brother’s feet off of him and heading to the kitchen.

“Loki,” his brother said, a little scoldingly, standing up as well, but he didn’t follow. Loki pulled a mug from the cabinet, preparing himself to make one small portion of tea before he slept for the night. He could hear Thor frown. “It’s been a while since you ignored me,” Thor said, with sorrow. 

Loki sighed, setting the mug on the counter and turning to face his brother. “I’m not ignoring you, Thor. I’m just... trying to think about what I want to say.”

“And have you?”

He clenched his jaw for a moment, and then swallowed. “Not worse,” was what he went with. 

Thor didn’t look like that was a good enough answer, but nodded nonetheless. “That’s something, at least.”

“I agree,” Loki turned to face his mug again. His stomach churned, Thor’s presence behind him looming over him like a shadow. He could almost laugh at the irony of that. 

He put the mug back in the cabinet with a grimace. 

Thor frowned. “Change of mind?”

Loki just nodded, his back still facing away from his brother. 

“Loki, are you alright?”

Loki took in a deep breath, and finally worked the courage to turn around. Thor was looking at him, curious. He opened his mouth, but closed it a moment later. 

“Brother?”

Loki shook his head, eyes closed. “Do you blame me?”

When he opened them again, Thor looked taken aback, his brows furrowing in confusion. “Blame you for what?”

“What do you mean, ‘blame you for what’, Thor, your death. Do you blame me for your death?”

The look on Thor’s face suggested his heart may have broken right then and there. “Of course I don’t. You didn’t kill me-“

“Yes, Thanos did,” Loki started, annoyed. “I’ve heard the lecture. But that doesn’t make it any less my fault.” 

Thor was looking at him with confusion, and sadness, and desperation to understand where this came from. They hadn’t had a... serious conversation in a while, if Loki would call it that. Mostly it was just playful banter, much like they did when they were children. 

Thor cleared his throat, and Loki wasn’t sure why he flinched when he did. “Loki, I,” his brother hesitated, and Loki’s heart sank. “I don’t blame you.”

Loki pressed his lips in a hard line, and looked back down. “Why?”

Silence for a moment.

He heard Thor swallow from across the room. “Because I just don’t. Thanos used me against you, because he knew I was a liability. But that’s on him, not on you.”

“Doesn’t the fact that you were a liability to me,” his voice cracked, and he wanted to just melt right there. “Suggest that it was somewhat my fault?”

Thor’s frown deepened. “What? No. How does that make any sense?”

“Because it does.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“Thor-“

“Do you want me to blame you?”

His mouth snapped shut, and silence ensued. 

Yes, Loki thought. I want you to blame me, and beat me, and bay for my blood. It’s what I deserve, it should have been me, not you, never you. 

He didn’t say any of that, however. Just looked at his brother, who looked close to breaking. Loki didn’t like that look on him.

Loki sighed, looking down, stepping around the small dining table back into the living room, Thor’s eyes following him. “No,” Loki finally said, his gaze locked on Thor’s. “I don’t want you to blame me.” 

Liar...

‘You cannot lie to me, frostling.’

He pushed Thanos’ voice away. He didn’t have the time, or the energy, for that. Not right now.

“Loki,” Thor started, his voice hard with determination. “I do not, in any way, hold you responsible for my death. I watched you, struggling against that other monster’s hold while Thanos slammed his boot into my skull.”

Loki’s stomach lurched, and he wanted to vomit. He swallowed it down, closing his eyes. He felt two strong hands on his shoulders, and he clenched his eyes shut tighter. “I’m sorry, Thor.” His voice shook. “I never wanted you dead. Whether I hated you, or loved you, you were a constant, and I never wanted you dead. I gave him the Tesseract to save your life, and it availed nothing at all. You’re still dead.”

“I’m right here, Loki.”

And Thor did something he’d never done before since Loki started seeing him so long ago. Years ago, now.

The man’s strong arms enveloped him in an embrace, and Loki’s breath hitched. “I’m right here,” his brother said again. 

Except he wasn’t. He wasn’t, he wasn’t, he wasn’t. And Loki wanted to rage and weep and scream, his thoughts whirling in his head like a tornado. 

In the end, Loki cracked, and he brought his arms around to embrace his brother, but he was met with air. 

...

Loki was sitting in the main room, he and Natasha across from each other at the table towards the back wall. She was eating Thai food that she suggested they ordered, and she offered Loki some, who turned it down. She frowned, but shrugged in the end, as if to say, ‘suit yourself.’

Another meeting, like always. 

Holographic images displaying the few defenders of Earth left, that being Carol and Rhodey, who had opposed Loki’s presence before, but dealt with it at Natasha’s ‘if he leaves, I cut the call.’ 

Rhodey never mentioned it again, but Loki didn’t miss the uncomfortable posture in his shoulders when they spoke. 

He had felt a small amount of warmth at the time. Now it just seemed routine. 

Normally, the whole team would be here, if Loki would call it that, but they had other ways to help, and so they had all collectively decided that Natasha and Loki deal with these gatherings. They were, after all, the most politically able people out of everyone else. 

They did these meetings once a month, and Loki usually hated them.

“I’ve managed to keep uproar across the galaxies at bay,” Carol said. “But they are scared. Scared people tend to do violent things.”

Loki knew that too well. “What do they have to fear,” he asked. “The deed has already been done.”

Carol turned to him. “It’s not fear of another tragedy, Loki. Enough grief can stimulate fear.”

“Then why resort to the violence you’re talking about,” Natasha asked. “If they’re afraid to lose more,” she trailed off. 

Carol shrugged. “I don’t know. Like I said, scared people do violent things. I’m only saying that I don’t know how much longer I can hold it off. I’ve already heard murmurings of multiple rebellions on sovereign planets, and that alone will cascade to more. I am working on it.”

Loki found this irrelevant, but didn’t voice his opinion. 

“Alright,” Natasha said. “I’m sure you’re doing your best, keep up the good work. Rhodey,” she turned to him. “How are we doing?”

Rhodey had basically been assigned to keep track of crimes around the world, attempting to keep criminals in check and keep the world peace as best as he could. Loki knew a part of that job was in efforts to locate Clint Barton, though he never said that either.

Rhodey sighed. “I was able to intercede in a massive drug exchange between at least three countries, but a lot of the master minds behind it got away,” he shrugged. “I don’t see much point in going after them. They lost a lot of money when the plan went haywire. I don’t imagine they’ll have very far to go, or much to hold on to. I wouldn’t worry about them anymore.”

Loki heard what he was saying, and by the look on Romanov’s face, so did she. Clint Barton would get to them, at some point. 

He tensed slightly, the look in Natasha’s gaze made his heart sting. He felt, in that exact moment, that Thanos didn’t die a painful enough death. 

In the end, she nodded. “Alright, good work.”

The line cut after a few farewells, and the images of Carol and Rhodey faded away. 

He heard Natasha next to him take in a deep, slow breath and hold for a few moments too long. When she let it go, it rattled in her chest. 

“Are you alright,” he asked, with caution. 

She pinched the bridge of her nose, but nodded. “I’m fine, I’m just...” she trailed off, unsure. 

Loki smiled a small one. “I understand,” he said, nodding. 

Her head came up, her gaze finding Loki’s. There was something in it that Loki couldn’t quite pinpoint. “Yes,” she murmured. “I suppose you do.”

Loki swallowed under that look. He bit the inside of his cheek, pursing his lips. He hesitated, but said, “it’s not your fault.”

Her gaze hardened, and Loki wondered if he’d spoken too quickly, or said the wrong thing. Words had never been a problem he struggled with. After a moment, though, her gaze softened. “I know,” she said.

“Do you,” he asked, his voice gentler than he intended. He didn’t want to treat her as glass, just as she had not with him. They both had a mutual understanding. 

She seemed to genuinely consider it for a moment, and Loki could see the emotions, a big one being doubt (Loki recognized it), rear through her head. “I know it’s not my fault. But there’s a part of me that wonders... should I be the one trying to find him? And if it is, why aren’t I? And if it’s not, then...” she shrugged, her posture suggesting she was at a loss. “What am I doing?”

Loki understood what she was saying all too well. The feeling of uselessness, the sense of being effectively redundant. “You’re helping where you can,” he said, and she looked up at him. “You’re doing your best. I dare say Barton would not hold you responsible for anything else.” 

“You mean he would not hold me responsible for his choices,” she admitted. 

Damn, Loki thought. Of course she’d see through that. “Yes,” he answered.

She seemed to consider that for a moment. “I suppose,” she mused. “I just wish I could do more.”

Loki felt the snare close around his neck, the guilt that had been holding him hostage string his body tight. “I am sorry,” he muttered. 

She blinked at him, her face impassive. “It’s not your fault, either.”

He laughed. “I think we both know it’s a little bit my fault.”

She sighed, tipping her head toward him. “Alright,” she agreed. She studied him, and Loki could almost shrink. 

He didn’t.

“So,” she announced, her tone changing. “You and Bruce still meeting?”

“Less often, but yes,” he answered. “It helps, sometimes. Other times it seems... redundant.” 

She smiled, a knowing smile on her lips. “I get it.”

“I’m sure you do,” he said, but it wasn’t with malice. 

“Bruce is fond of you,” she said matter-of-factly. 

Loki inhaled. “For reasons beyond my understanding,” he criticized. 

She chuckled softly, nodding. “It would be, wouldn’t it?”

He turned sharply on her, a little offended. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She just shrugged, but she definitely had a knowing smile on her face. Like she knew something he didn’t. 

It made him uncomfortable, which he knew was unfair. But he didn’t question it. 

He looked away, licking his lips. He could feel Natasha looking at him, but he didn’t return his gaze to her. “Loki,” she started. “I didn’t mean to offend.”

He shook his head, his tongue sliding across his bottom lip. “I know you didn’t,” he said, looking back at her. She looked apologetic. 

“But?”

He sighed. “But nothing. I’m not... I’m not trying to be difficult. It’s simply hard for me, that’s all.”

“What’s hard for you?”

He considered for a moment. “Being, as you said, fond of. It doesn’t come easily to me, understanding that. Or rather, perhaps accepting is a more accurate phrase.” 

“You mean it’s hard to accept someone might like you,” she asked dryly, and he looked at her, almost ashamed.

“I’m aware it’s ridiculous. It’s just... what I feel.”

“What you feel isn’t ridiculous,” she consoled. “Like you said, it’s just what you feel. But he does consider you a good friend. You should know that.”

“I know he does,” he nodded with those words. “And it does not go one way. I am indebted to him.”

She frowned. “In what way?”

Loki’s heart stuttered in his chest, uncertainty and a little bit of fear chewing at him. “He was there,” he said, his voice dull. He couldn’t look at her. “When,” he tried, but trailed off, closing his eyes. He clenched his jaw, working it. “When Thanos killed Thor, he was there.”

She seemed to understand, but left it open for him to elaborate, and Loki wondered if he should. 

“And he was there when Heimdall sent us here to Midgard, and he continued to be there,” he began again. “It felt like I was drowning. Like I was sinking further and further, deeper into the black tar that was my anguish. My desperation to understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Why it was not me,” he said with some finality. Her eyebrows pulled together, seemingly confused. “Why it was not me who didn’t survive but Thor. And I still don’t understand. It’s not fair. But... either way, he was there. And he... consoled me as much as he could, when I didn’t deserve it. He showed me compassion when I least warranted it. And I am grateful.”

She nodded, understanding on her features, which he was thankful for. He wasn’t sure he could elaborate more without cracking like dry clay. 

“I’m sorry he died, Loki.” There was a hint of sadness mixed with anger in her voice. “He was a good brother, and a good friend.”

“He was a better brother than I could ever be.”

She didn’t respond, and Loki was gratified for it.

...

“Hey,” he heard Steve call behind him, and he turned around from where he was taking a walk outside. It appeared the man had been running. 

Loki gave him a hesitant smile. “Hello,” he said. “What do I owe the pleasure?”

Steve took a few deep breaths, but he seemingly didn’t seem very affected by the exercise. “I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you.”

Loki tensed slightly, but he wasn’t really sure why. He and the captain had started off on the wrong foot, though Loki supposed he could say that about literally everyone on Midgard. But, since the snap, he’d been trying to get along with everyone. He and Steve had been doing fine, as of late. They frequently sparred together, even, and Loki was thankful for an opponent who was almost equal in strength. 

“What about, Captain?”

Loki re-engaged in his walk, and Steve followed behind him. “I told Natasha and Bruce, but you’re kind of hard to find,” he said playfully. “I’m starting a... a group, of sorts.”

Loki frowned. “A group?”

“Yeah,” the man nodded. “It’s... well, to put it lightly it’s a ‘we’re all very emotionally damaged by Thanos’ victory and have no one to talk to about it’ group.”

Blinking, Loki asked, “you would call that putting it lightly?”

Steve considered, and then winced slightly. “Okay, so maybe not lightly,” he acknowledged. “But yeah, I’m starting a group where people can come together and just... talk about what’s happened.”

Loki noticed then, that the captain had very noticeable dark circles under his eyes, and he looked to be exhausted. He wondered if this ‘group’s’ purpose was more for Steve than for the public. 

Either way...

“Why are you telling me this,” he speculated. 

Steve’s shoulders slackened, as if in defeat. “I’m inviting you, Loki,” he said dryly. 

Loki, surprised, murmured a very stupid sounding “oh.”

He saw the captain lick his lips, and he seemed to be contemplating something. “Loki, none of us are stupid,” he said quietly, with caution. 

A very familiar tension set itself in Loki’s shoulders. “What do you mean,” he dared.

Steve didn’t back down. “You’re struggling just like the rest of us, maybe even more. You don’t sleep, you don’t eat, it’s obvious that you’re tired-“

Loki cleared his throat, cutting the captain off. “I don’t see how my well-being is anything akin to your concern.” His voice came out a little more dark than he’d meant, and it was... familiar. 

Steve sighed. “We’re your friends-“

“Don’t tell me that,” he bit out. He thought of Bruce when he said it and felt a pang. 

“What,” the man frowned. “That we’re your friends?”

Loki nodded, and it was sharp. “Yes. We’re not friends. You, all of you, say that so easily. As if it’s so simple to forget.”

Steve swallowed, his eyes shining with something similar to providence. Like he’d poked at a raw wound. “Forget what?”

“Forget what I did.”

The captain paused, licking his lips, stalling. “It’s not about forgetting, Loki-“

He coughed a vicious laugh. “Don’t tell me it’s about forgiveness, either.”

“No,” Steve agreed. “It’s not about either of those things. We know what you did, and so do you. We remember it all the time. But it’s...” he trailed off, his face displaying a sort of heedfulness, like he’d spoken too quickly and cut off.

Loki worked his jaw. “It’s what,” he said through clenched teeth. “Steve Rogers. Go on, it’s what?”

Steve closed his eyes in an apologetic manner, but when he looked back up he said, “it’s eating you alive, Loki...”

Loki felt like he was vibrating, and maybe he was, but he couldn’t tell through his rage. He kept it in check, however. Years ago, perhaps he would have acted out, and perhaps the captain would already be on the ground holding his bloody nose. 

He didn’t, though. 

“Loki,” Steve started again. “It’s not just eating you alive, you’re letting it. You’re letting it hurt you. It’s a self-punishment thing.... I would know.” Yes, Loki supposed. Yes he would. “And maybe that’s why you should come.”

Loki bit the inside of his cheek, hard, and he though for a moment he tasted blood. He took in a deep breath, flexing his fingers before fisting them back in again. 

Steve was watching him with trepidation, as if prepared to defend himself should the god strike, but he also had a mix of pity in his gaze, and Loki wanted to vomit. 

Loki took in one more deep breath, and let it go loudly. “There is a fundamental problem with your inquiry.”

Rogers’s brows furrowed together. “Which is?”

“For one thing,” Loki grumbled. “Your people are not aware of my presence on Earth. Your government has kept it secret, because they’re smart. If it was revealed I had been sustaining life here, there would be world wide panic. And I’m not sure people would be able to handle the knowledge of another mass murderer walking this planet

“My attending your... ‘group’, would reveal my presence. And I can’t risk that. Both for my safety, and the well-being of your people.” 

“You said for one thing,” Steve pointed out. “Is there another?”

Loki hesitated, but after a moment, gave Steve the nastiest smile he could muster. “Well, if I were to seek a therapeutic group of sorts... that would defeat the purpose of, as you call it, self-punishment.”

And he whisked himself away with his magic, back to his rooms, leaving a very disturbed Captain America behind.

...

He was making dinner, some days later, when Bruce came and knocked on his door.

He answered it, and immediately didn’t like the look of despondency on the man’s face. 

He let him in.

“This is unexpected,” Loki tried lightly, and Bruce smiled, but it was strained and it didn’t reach his eyes. Loki knew something was wrong.

“Yeah,” the man replied awkwardly.

Loki gave him a nervous look. “Can I offer you some refreshments? Wine, or tea...”

Bruce considered, and then cleared his throat, asking for some water. Loki could tell the man was skittish. 

He went to kitchen, filling a glass with ice and then poured water into it from his pitcher. He handed Bruce the cup, who took it with shaky hands. 

The doctor took a big sip, his gulp loud when he swallowed. He sighed when he was done. “Thank you,” he croaked, setting the glass down on the table in front of the couch. 

“Bruce,” Loki started, eyes following his movements. “What is wrong?”

Banner smiled tightly. “What do you mean?”

“Bruce,” Loki repeated, his voice tinted with trepidation. 

The man’s smile dropped, and he opened his mouth, then closed it a moment later. He sighed, heading to the couch and sitting down, fiddling with the patch of skin on his left thumb. 

Loki reluctantly followed him, taking a seat next to him. “Just tell me,” he said gently. 

Bruce exhaled loudly. “Okay,” he said, but it sounded more for himself. “You know, Loki, that the Hulk and I have been... at odds, I guess you could say, since Sakaar.”

“Yes,” Loki nodded. 

Bruce hesitated again, and Loki saw him swallow. “Right, okay... well, um- well... I think it’s been long enough. And I think... I think it’s about time I figured out what needs to be done about it.” 

Loki frowned, still not sure why the doctor carried a timid posture. “Okay,” he said, but it sounded like a question. “What are you saying?”

Loki could see Bruce’s shoulders rising and falling rapidly, and Loki almost wanted to bolt. He didn’t know why yet.

Bruce swallowed again. “But,” he drew out, as if stalling. The man made direct eye contact with him, and Loki felt his heart drop. “I don’t think I can figure it out from here.” 

Yeah, Loki thought, his heart definitely dropped down into his boots, smothered on the floor in a pile of blood and anger. “What?”

“Loki-“

“You’re leaving?”

Bruce opened his mouth, but closed it again when he couldn’t figure out what to say. He closed his eyes, looking guilty. He bowed his head. 

Silence.

Loki looked away from the man, blinking one too many times. He licked his lips, taking a deep breath, and then another one. He shook his head.

“It’s not forever,” Bruce tried to exclaim.

“Right,” Loki replied tightly, still not looking at him. He could feel his brows drawing together in a frown.

Bruce’s lingering gaze on him made him feel very small, in that moment. “Loki,” he was starting to say, but Loki just shook his head again. 

“It’s fine,” he said, hating how his voice cracked. “It’s fine.”

How ironic, Loki thought. After just days ago, speaking words of Bruce always being there, Loki’s being indebted to him, the man’s kindness almost a shelter to the viciousness... and he’s just leaving. 

Confusion was his first reaction. 

Anger was his next.

He clenched his jaw, his fist balling at his side and then flexing. 

“Loki,” Bruce said again. “This is something I need to do.”

The last reaction was shame. Shame that he would get angry at the man that offered too much when he was least deserving of it. And now, when Loki was supposed to offer the same, he retaliated with frustration. 

His shoulders relaxed, and he was finally able to slide his gaze to Bruce. “I know,” he said, barely audible. “You should do this. I know it’s been difficult, since your other half began rebelling.”

Bruce smiled a small smile. “I wouldn’t call it rebelling, but it’ll work.” Loki coughed a laugh. Bruce sighed again. “I felt like I needed to tell you first. And I didn’t want to leave on bad terms, especially with you.” 

Loki nodded, understanding leaking into his thoughts. “I understand.”

“I’m serious, Loki, it’s not forever. I plan to come back.”

Loki’s smile was small. “Bruce,” he consoled. “It’s alright. I know this is something you need to do.”

The tension surrounding Bruce seemed to dissipate at those words, relief washed through the man. “Thank you, Loki.”

Loki gave him a genuine smile. “You’re my friend.”

Bruce’s smile was a little real more at that.

...

Loki was spread out, laying flat on his back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

He felt tense, but he felt completely relaxed at the same time. He was numb, but burning from the inside out. His heart was pounding, but it was quiet in his ears.

His mind was all over the place, and he couldn’t find it in him to fall asleep, so he’d assumed the position he was in now, and felt raw. 

There was screaming in his head, and it felt so real when he knew it wasn’t. When he knew it was his mind playing tricks on him. 

‘He was back in New York, standing atop Stark’s tower, relishing in the sounds of destruction around him, except he wasn’t. He knew he wasn’t going to win. He knew these Avengers would defeat him, and failure to Thanos loomed close over the horizon.’

‘Fear ran through his bones like ice.’

Loki flinched back to the present, and his breathing had picked up a bit. 

“Loki,” he heard Thor next to him. “You have to calm down.”

It was then he realized he could hear his room vibrating, and there were involuntary, green sparks at his fingertips. 

He took his brother’s advice, taking in a deep breath and letting it go slowly, rattling in his chest. 

Thor was sitting next to him on the edge of the bed, frowning at him in concern. “That’s good, Loki.”

“Shut. Up.”

Thor flinched back, shocked at his brother’s dark tone. He didn’t speak again, though. 

Loki’s rested his head back onto the bed, releasing another deep exhale, his muscles relaxing. His tongue sprang out and licked his lips, and he closed his eyes. 

He could feel Thor looking at him, and he hated it. He wanted Thor to stop coming. Or if he was going to come, he wanted Thor him to hate him, despise him, be utterly disgusted at him. 

“Loki-“

“Please,” he whimpered with shame. “Please, Thor... just go. I... I can’t.”

He heard something then, and opened his eyes to see Thor was gone.

An uncontrollable sob ripped itself out of Loki’s lips, and he brought a shaky hand to cover his mouth, to block any more sounds from escaping his chest. 

Tears spilled over, however. That he couldn’t stop. 

He wanted it to stop.

HE wanted to stop.


	14. A New Hope, Perhaps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endgame plot comes in. 5 years since the snap...
> 
> Loki has a questionable, out of character, encounter with Thor.
> 
> Scott Lang shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!!! I hope everyone has a fun night, and has cute Halloween costumes! 
> 
> I told you I’d update this story two days ago and here it is! Next project is the second part to Call of the Dark, and to be honest, it may become a three part. New ideas blossom, and what not. :)
> 
> Anyways, enjoy the next chapter!

5 Years Since The Snap...

Loki felt like he hadn’t slept in weeks. He’d tried, of course. But usually he just woke up in a cold sweat with a rough howl or a scream ripping it’s way out of his throat, and so sometimes he just decided he wouldn’t even try. 

Since Banner left a few years ago, no one had really heard from him, not even Loki. He couldn’t help but feel a little hurt at the aspect, or almost even worried. He’d mentioned before he left that he needed to fix his relationship with his other half, but Loki wondered if there was an alternative motive. 

Still, Barton remained off the grid. Some would think he was dead, but the bodies left behind suggested otherwise. Loki could see that it was distressing to Natasha, but he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do about it. Or if he could do anything about it. He tried to not speak about it. Him, of all people, did not have the right.

Loki heard a while back that apparently Tony Stark had finally had a child, a daughter, with Pepper. But other than that, he’d stayed away. He hadn’t contacted anyone since then. Loki couldn’t blame the man, as much as he disliked him. 

Rogers continued to endlessly attempt to get Loki to go to these ‘sessions’ he spoke of, but Loki always refused. 

In point of fact, Rogers was currently staring at him in his doorway after Loki had answered his seemingly quick paced knocking. 

“What do you want,” Loki asked, not in the mood. 

Steve visibly swallowed hard. “I was just letting you know the offer still stands.” It was awkward, to say the least. Loki went to shut the door in his face, but the man’s foot slid in between it and the frame with a frustrated sigh. “Loki,” he practically scolded.

“What,” he snarled. “I am very not in the mood.”

Steve looked at him for a moment, an expression Loki couldn’t put his finger on twisted the man’s features. “I’m not trying to be persistent.”

Loki felt his eyebrows raise, feigning surprise. “Really, now? I wouldn’t have noticed.”

Steve made another frustrated sound. “Look, I’m trying to be nice.”

“Yes, and it is very annoying.”

He saw the captain’s jaw work, an obvious, tense anger in his shoulders. “Why are you pushing people away?”

Loki twitched. He sighed. The look on the man’s face was hurt, and he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. “I am not,” he said honestly. Steve gave him a dry look. “I am not,” he repeated.

When Steve really looked at him this time, he frowned. “You’re a little pale. Have you slept?”

Loki made his own frustrated sound then. “Yes,” he answered tightly. “I am fine.”

“That’s what people say when they’re not fine...”

A curl formed on Loki’s lips, snarling. “And you, Captain? Have you managed to sleep past your nightmares?”

Steve didn’t seem to be phased. “So you are having nightmares,” he said, and it wasn’t a question. Loki twitched backwards, wanting to retort at him, but couldn’t say anything. Steve’s shoulders slumped, and Loki thought it was in sympathy; he hated it. “Look,” Steve started again, his voice holding a gentler tone. “If you don’t want to come, fine. But I think you should talk to someone.”

Loki swallowed, feeling naked, like he’d been seen. “Like who,” he asked, and he wanted it to sound impolite, but it came out a little more genuine than he liked. 

He had talked to someone, Loki thought. But the one person he felt like he could speak to left, and no one had heard from him since. 

He pushed Bruce’s face out of his mind, trying to feel bitter, but instead felt dejected.

Steve looked at him, something swirling in his gaze akin to sympathy. “I’m always ears open,” he offered, though it was cautious when he said it. Loki just blinked at him, and the captain sighed again. “It doesn’t have to be me. But it needs to be someone, Loki.” 

Loki couldn’t keep his eyes locked on Steve’s and he felt like a coward when he looked away, down at his hands. “I will consider it,” he queried. “Your offer, I mean.”

He saw the man nod once from above his eyelashes. “Oh,” he hesitated. “Good. That’s all I’m asking.”

Loki closed his eyes for a moment, and finally managed to look back up at Steve when he opened them. “I don’t mean to seem... ungrateful. I am trying to... not be difficult, though I am aware I am not doing very well of a job.”

Steve chuckled softly, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “Well,” he agreed. “It’s fine. I just... like I said, I think you should talk to someone. I know that’s not easy for you. Or something, I doubt, that you’ve done easily in the past.”

Loki scoffed his own humorless chuckle. “Perhaps,” he affirmed. Steve stared at him, a small smile on his face. Loki matched it, though he was aware it was probably not right on his features. “Go, Captain. I am fine.”

Steve looked like he wanted to stay, because despite how small it was, it felt like a victory to him. But in the end, he nodded, and gave him a genuine pat on the shoulder before turning on his heel and leaving Loki staring after at him. 

He closed the door softly, leaning his forehead on the wood, sighing. 

“He’s just trying to help,” Thor’s voice filled the silence, and Loki flinched. 

“I know,” he confessed, and lifted his head to turn around. Thor was sitting on his couch, seemingly relaxed. Loki walked past him to his dresser, which was fairly empty. But he changed from his sweats to something more presentable. There was another meeting today, one he wasn’t enthused about in the least.

He could feel Thor’s eyes on him, burning holes in the back of his head. He tried to ignore it when while he slipped into a pair of dark washed jeans and a green t-shirt. He put on a gray hoodie after that, zipping it up to his chest, letting a little of the green show. 

When he turned around, Thor was right in front of him, and he jumped back, surprised. His heart jumped to his throat. “Don’t... do that!”

Thor chuckled. “Sorry,” he said, but didn’t apologetic in the least. Loki looked up at him, breathing a little too quick, before pushing past him to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. “How are you,” Thor asked him.

“I am getting really tired of that question,” Loki said in a low voice. 

“Well,” Thor mused. “Get used to it.” 

Loki glared at him, sipping his water. It was cold down his throat, offering relief. “I am fine,” he lied.

“Liar.”

Loki smirked at him, and it was ugly. “Well, get used to it.”

Thor twitched, clearly irritated. “Loki,” he scolded. “Why are you so difficult?”

Loki heard how low his voice had gone, and it sounded... dangerous. He hadn’t heard that tone since... well, to put it frankly, he hadn’t heard that tone since he was killed. 

‘You really are the worst brother...’

He flinched, looking down. 

“Loki?”

He sighed. “As I told the captain, I am not trying to be.”

“You simply manage without effort.”

Loki’s lips parted slightly in surprise. The atmosphere in the room seemed to drop to something threatening, and Loki looked at Thor, who looked relaxed but... dead faced. He didn’t carry his playful expression, or his knowing smile. 

Loki frowned. “What are you saying,” he asked cautiously. 

Thor scoffed, humorless. “I think you know.”

The thunder god stalked closer to Loki, and it was slow and deliberate, like he was stalking his prey. Loki couldn’t move, his heart seeming to pound in his chest. “Thor?”

“Silence,” Thor growled, and Loki flinched. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t Thor. “You would deny kindness where it isn’t even warranted? You would cause difficulty for those who try to help you? You are an insufferable child, Loki.”

Loki pushed back against the counter, his glass of water trembling in his hand. Why was Thor saying these things? He never spoke to him like this. “Thor-“

“I said, silence!” He was practically in Loki’s face, and Loki couldn’t stop himself from pushing Thor away from him with his hands, dropping the glass and hearing it shatter against the hardwood. His breath was trembling when he looked down at it, and when he looked back up, Thor was gone. 

He started at the empty room for a second, and then a sound close to a graveling sob ripped out of Loki’s throat, and his back slid down the counter until he was on the floor, his knees to his chest.

He squeezed his eyes closed, trying to gain control of his breathing before this Norn’s forsaken meeting, trying to understand what just happened, trying swallow past the rock lodged in his throat, trying trying trying and it all feeling futile.

He sat like that for almost an hour in silence after his fit passed, before standing to his shaky legs. 

He swallowed, licking his lips. He straightened his clothes and put on the most impassive face he could manage. 

He left the room.

...

When he got to the main room, he realized he was late, holographic images of Rhodey, Carol Danvers, and Okoye of Wakanda staring back at him. He noticed Danvers had a new hair cut, almost pixie. 

Natasha was sitting in a chair at a table, making what looked like a peanut butter sandwich, expressionless. “You’re late,” she said.

Loki looked at her, to the others, then back at her, feeling small. “My apologies,” he hesitated. “I was...” he trailed off, not sure what to say. 

He saw Natasha frown slightly, but it passed quickly, and she gestured to a chair. “It’s fine,” she said. “Come on.”

And Loki did, sitting gingerly in the seat next to her, the holographic images staring at him judgmentally. 

The conversation began then, and Loki tried to forget his last encounter with Thor while he simultaneously tried to listen. 

“I’ve got someone boarding the highly suspect warship we spoke about last time,” he heard Danvers say. 

Loki remembered that conversation from before, but he had to admit he wasn’t listening too closely.

Natasha nodded. “Good,” and she turned to Okoye. “You get a reading on those tremors?”

Okoye nodded, and Loki could see a slight sadness in her eyes. “It was a mild subduction under the African plate,” she explained, accent thick on her tongue.

“Do we have a visual,” Romanov asked, her voice tight with composure. “How are we handling it?”

Okoye looked unconcerned. “It is an earthquake under the ocean. We handle it by not handling it.”

He saw Natasha look at her for a moment before turning back to Carol. “Carol, are we seeing you here next month?”

“Not likely,” she answered.

“What,” Rhodey asked from the side of the room with a playful tone. “You gonna get another haircut.”

Loki felt a smile twitch on his lips. 

“Listen, jackass,” Carol started, not smiling or seeming to find the joke amusing at all. “I’m covering a lot of territory. The things that are happening on Earth are happening everywhere. On thousands of planets.”

Rhodey raised his eyebrows, taken aback a little. “Alright alright,” he said, hands up as if in surrender. “That’s a good point.”

Carol looked back to Natasha. “So you might not see me for a while.”

Loki saw something flash in Natasha’s eyes, but he couldn’t see it fast enough. 

“Alright,” she said. “Uh, well... this channel is always active. So, if anything goes sideways... anyone’s making trouble where they shouldn’t, it comes through me.”

Loki could hear it so clearly in her voice. Not particularly because she was being obvious, but because he was good at hearing and seeing things people tried to hide. And he could see hers clearly. 

Her want and need to be useful, to be needed somewhere. 

It made his heart coil tight in his chest.

Okoye made a noise, and then spoke what he thought would be her language. 

Okoye left first, and then Carol turned to Rhodey, wishing him luck before cutting her end of the call next. 

Rhodey stayed behind, and Loki tilted his head, curious. Natasha seemed to lean back, exhausted, before realizing he was still online. 

“Where are you,” she asked him.

Loki saw him make eye contact with him, as if unsure if he wanted to say, and knowing Loki would understand. He hoped he communicated with his eyes that Natasha would personally find him and probably kick his ass if he didn’t. 

They all three understood he was on Clint Barton’s tail.

“Mexico,” Rhodey answered, turning to Romanov. “The Federals found a room full of bodies. Looks like a bunch of cartel guys. Never even had the chance to get their guns off.”

Loki winced, not bothering to see the look on the widow’s face. “It’s probably a rival game,” he heard her say, though there was something in her voice.

“Except it isn’t,” Loki says with a low voice. He finally turned his eyes to Natasha’s, who looked to realize something. 

Rhodey nodded, swallowing. “It’s definitely Barton. What he’s done here, what he’s been doing for the last few years... I mean, the scene he left...” he trailed off, and he saw Natasha’s eyes begin to shine with raw tears, and he tried to send her a gaze of sympathy, but she wasn’t looking at him. Rhodey spoke again. “I gotta tell you, there’s a part of me that doesn’t even want to find him.”

That same guilt Loki had been fighting with, had been in a bloody battle with for years, gnawed at him, pulling his skin off muscle and bone with its sharp teeth, leaving him a bleeding mess on the floor. 

He looked at Romanov again, who looked to be fighting her own guilt and tears with a bite of her sandwich. “Will you find out where he is going next?”

“Nat,” Rhodey tried. 

“Please,” she said, and Loki’s heart dropped to his stomach. 

Rhodey looked from Natasha to him, clearly hesitant, but in the end gave a small, “okay,” and then cut turned around, cutting the line. 

As soon as it did, she set her sandwich on her plate, and brought her hands to her face, clearly at a battle with her tears. 

“Natasha,” he started, but to his dismay, a small tear slid down her cheek, and he stopped. 

He hadn’t seen her like this before, and it was concerning. He felt his own hands shaking. 

“You know,” they heard behind them, and Loki almost jumped out of his skin, and turned around to see Rogers leaning against a bookshelf, a small, playful smile on his lips. “I’d offer to make the both of you dinner, but you two look pretty miserable already.”

Loki couldn’t stop the smallest exhale of a chuckle come up his throat. Natasha had her own tight smile, wiping away the one tear. 

“You here to do your laundry,” she asked jokingly. 

“And to see some friends,” he mused. 

“Well, I can’t speak for Loki, but clearly this friend is fine,” she gestured to herself.

Loki shook his head, the same small smile on his lips seeming to widen a little. “I can certainly speak for Loki, and he is doing perfectly adequately.”

Steve scoffed. “You’ve been on Earth for, what, five years now? And you still talk like that?”

Loki heard the playful banter in his voice, and smirked at him. “Sometimes simplicity can be found in the complicated.”

Natasha frowned. “I’m not sure that made sense,” she said, and Steve laughed. 

The captain considered something for a second, and then spoke again. “You know I saw a pod of whales when I was coming up the bridge.”

“In the Hudson,” Natasha asked.

Steve tilted his head a little, still smiling. “There’s fewer ships, cleaner water.”

Natasha looked down at her sandwich, and picked it back up. “You know,” she announced. “If you’re about to tell me to look on the bright side, um... I’m about to hit you in the head with a peanut butter sandwich.”

She gives him a joking smile, and Rogers returns it. Loki can’t stop his own quiet chuckle. 

Steve lifts his hands in a playful surrender. “Sorry,” he said. “Force of habit.” 

Loki watches him pull a chair of his own over to the two, and takes a seat next to them. He looks at Loki for a moment, seeming to remember their last conversation. Loki looks away. 

That energy in the room drops, as well as Steve’s smile. “You know, I keep telling everybody they should move on and... grow,” he sounded tired, Loki thought. “Some do. But not us.”

Loki saw Thor’s crushed skull in his head again, and he closes his eyes. “No,” he said. “I suppose we don’t.”

He heard Natasha swallow. “If I move on, who does this?”

“Maybe it doesn’t need to be done.”

The following silence was enough to make Loki open his eyes again, and Steve was watching him carefully before turning his gaze to the widow’s. 

“I used to have nothing,” she murmured. “And then I got this. This job... this family. And I was... I was better because of it. And even though they’re gone,” she paused, considering something. “I’m still trying to be better.”

Loki understood that almost too well. He looked down at his hands again. 

“Sounds like we all need to get a life,” Rogers said.

Natasha smiled. “You first.”

Suddenly, a camera footage opens up in front of them, showing someone Loki didn’t recognize standing in front of a very questionable van. He was waving at the camera, and Roger’s stood up, quick to his feet. 

Natasha followed him, her eyes narrowed. 

“Hey,” the man called, still waving. He was of average height, Loki noticed, almost black hair and very tired looking eyes. “Hi... Hi! Is anyone home? This is Scott Lang. We met a few years ago, at the airport? In Germany? I got really big, and I had my mask on. You wouldn’t recognize me.”

Loki stood up then too, not understanding a thing the man was saying. “Is that man an idiot?”

“No,” Natasha said, voice shaking. “He’s not. I thought...”

“Is this an old message,” Steve asked, voice hard. 

“It’s the front gate,” Natasha answered. 

Loki didn’t understand. “Who is that?”

“Ant-Man? Ant-Man, I know you know that. I need to talk to you guys.”

Loki followed their hurried footsteps out to the front gate, a strange, but hopeful, feeling blossoming deep in his chest.


	15. Impossible Possibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scott Lang explains the Quantum Realm.
> 
> Loki doesn’t know what Back To the Future is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are! After this, my own plot with Loki starts coming out a bit. I’m sticking a little closer to the endgame plot than I did with infinity war because I have a plan. ;)
> 
> PS, the guardians are coming I promise. Loki/Rocket banter, anyone? 
> 
> Also... awkward reunion between Gamora and Loki? It’s all coming!

The three of them, Steve, Loki and Natasha, hurry outside to the front gate and Loki sees the man. He is still yelling up at the camera like an idiot. Loki can see he looks tired, though; dark circles evident from far away.

“Scott,” Steve called, and the gate opened. The man turns from the camera and smiles a wide, frantic smile.

“Captain America,” Scott ,apparently, sighs out the words like an exhalation of relief. Perhaps it is. 

“Scott Lang,” Natasha says with a smile, though it’s tight against her features. Loki can see she doesn’t particularly understand what’s going on, but is happy about it none the less. 

“Agent Romanov,” he said back to her. “Oh wow, is it good to see you guys.”

Natasha’s smile widens a little bit. “Likewise.”

“Scott,” Steve starts again. “What the hell is going on? We thought...” his voice falters away.

Something dark flickers in Scott Lang’s eyes. “Yeah... uh... about that.” He was about to say something, but then he and Loki lock gazes, and he can tell the man is trying to figure out where he knows him from. Loki could almost laugh. “I’m sorry, I don’t... do I know you?”

Loki does scoff a chuckle though, at that question. “Oh, you most definitely know me. You just can’t put your finger on it.”

“Loki,” Steve said his name, and it sounds like a warning. 

A sigh huffs out of Loki’s chest. But Scott must have heard Steve, because his eyes widen and he steps away a little. Natasha comes up closer to Loki’s side, and he thinks it is a protective gesture in a way. “Loki isn’t a problem,” she said.

Scott seems hesitant. “Loki... as in, the alien who came to Earth and attacked New York, Loki? Like... disaster from 2012 Loki?”

“That’s me,” he confirmed. “I don’t suppose any reassurance that I intend no harm to you or anyone else will mean much, but nonetheless, it is true.”

“Loki fought against Thanos,” Steve said next to him. “He’s good.”

“Most certainly not,” he murmured under his breath, even though he knew that wasn’t precisely what the captain meant. 

Steve sends him a hard look, and he relents his tone. 

Loki turns back to the man, who looks exhausted now that he was up close. Natasha and Steve explained to him on the way down to the gate that Scott Lang had apparently been named on the disappeared list. But he is here, and Loki doesn’t understand. The stones are absolute, and nothing can defy their power.

So how is this man, who supposedly disappeared on that dreadful day, standing here in front of them?

“Scott,” Steve hesitated. “Let’s get back inside, and you can explain.”

Scott nodded to that suggestion, and Steve guides them back towards the headquarters building, the gate closing behind them.

Natasha’s presence next to him is still very present though, and he can’t help but be grateful.

...

Lang is pacing back and forth when they get back up. His energy is frantic, to say the least, and he seemed nervous. He is mumbling things under his breath, but it is inaudible from this distance. His hands rub together in anxiety. 

Steve is leaning against a table with his arms locked across his chest, Natasha next to him. Loki is a little over to the side, watching the man walk back and forth, practically vibrating with apprehension. 

They watch for a moment longer before the captain starts. “Scott,” he called, and the man looks up at the call of his name, eyes a little too wide. “Are you okay?”

Lang brings his hands to his face, and rubs them down slowly. He is clearly in distress. “Yeah,” he mumbled. 

Loki watches him a moment longer, tilting his head in curiosity.

“Have any of you ever studied quantum physics?”

It’s a sudden declaration of a question. Loki narrows his eyes, and he and Steve glance at one another. 

“Only to make conversation,” Natasha commented dryly.

Lang points are her, but it has no purpose to it. “Alright, so,” he started. “Five years ago, right before... Thanos, I was in a place called the Quantum Realm.”

Loki’s lips part slightly in surprise. He’d studied it a little, of course. Back in his youth he would read books and do some calculations regarding the place, but ultimately it didn’t seem to hold concrete information. 

In all honesty, he thought it ludicrous, and let his interest in it go. Now, he wishes he paid more attention.

“The Quantum Realm is like its own microscopic universe. To get in there, you have to be incredibly small. Hope... she’s my...” Lang faltered, struggling with his words, stumbling over them nervously. “She was my... she-she was supposed to pull me out. And then Thanos happened, and I got stuck in there.”

Oh, Loki thought to himself. He realized he was saying his partner had disappeared after he passed that threshold.

“I am sorry,” the widow said sincerely. “That must have been a very long five years.”

“No,” Loki interrupted. He narrows his eyes at the man, frowning. “I have some experience being... stuck, as you say, in a blank realm. Either you were not there for five years, or if you were, you would be a blubbering mess on the floor. Or...”

Loki trailed off and thought back to his own experience floating through the Void. There is no thought, no feeling, no sound... it is nothing inside of nothing where you feel nothing but somehow feel everything at once. He was only stuck there for a little less than a year, but it was enough to drive him mad. 

When Thanos dragged him from the Void, a lot of his memories were scuttled across his brain without order. It was easy for the Titan to make him his, in that aspect.

He swallowed, managing not to squirm under Steve and Natasha’s gazes.

“You’re right,” Lang said, pulling Loki from his thoughts. “I wasn’t there for five years. For me, it was five hours.” 

Something close to hope dawns on Natasha’s face. Steve still looks a little lost, and Loki just feels in utter shock. 

If Scott Lang was going where Loki thinks he is going with this... 

“See,” Lang continued. “The rules of the Quantum Realm aren’t like they are up here. Everything is unpredictable. Is that anybody’s sandwich? I’m starving.”

Loki blinks at him as he strides past them to grab Romanov’s peanut butter sandwich, and takes a particularly large bite out of it. 

Loki thinks perhaps his first assumption of the man being an idiot wasn’t totally incorrect.

“Scott,” Steve called to him, and the three of them turn to watch the man try to chew through too much food. “What are you talking about?”

He chews a little more and makes an indecipherable noise. “Hmm... what I’m saying is,” he swallows through his mouth full of food. “Time works differently in the Quantum Realm. The only problem right now is that we don’t have a way to navigate it.”

“Oh,” Loki mutters quietly, realization hitting him enough force to be Mjölnir. Natasha and Steve look at him confused. “Oh,” he says again. Scott looks at him with understanding.

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” he started again, pacing anew. “What if we could somehow control the chaos and navigate it? What if there was a way to enter the Quantum Realm at a certain point in time and exit at another point in time? Like...” he paused, a shadow passing over his features. Loki’s own breath hitched. “Like before Thanos.”

Loki looks down, rubbing a hand across his mouth in a nervous gesture, and holds it there against his lips. Norns... 

It was brilliant. It was stupid, impossible, dangerous.

It could work. 

Loki’s thoughts are swirling around his brain at what felt like a million miles an hour. 

“Wait,” he heard Steve, and Loki thought he could detect misbelief in his voice. “Are you talking about a time machine?”

Scott looks at him nervously, and then starts stumbling over his words again. “No... no, of course not. Not like a time machine... like a... like... okay, yeah, like a time machine. I know it’s crazy, but I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s gotta be some way. There’s gotta be some... w- it’s crazy.”

Loki bit his lip, probably too hard, before looking back up. “Maybe it isn’t,” he said after a moment, and three heads turned to him sharply. “I studied the Quantum Realm in my youth. I read about in Asgard’s library. I remember reading about it’s chaotic nature, it’s unpredictability... but,” he faltered, locking gazes with Lang. “But, if you could control it, and do it correctly... it may work.”

A slight smile crosses Lang’s lips, but it’s gone as fast as it’s there. “So, who do we talk to about this?”

Steve, Loki, and Natasha exchange nervous glances.

Well... damn.

...

Tony Stark was the first person who came to mind. A millionaire genius with a millionaire lab. 

They were all three of them, that being Loki, Steve and Natasha, nervous to confront him. He wasn’t the same since Thanos snapped his fingers. He was harder, more closed off. But he was happy, in a sense. A wife, a daughter, a family to protect. But Loki understood the man was still haunted by that boy’s death. 

Peter, his name was. Peter Parker. The child had heart, and was much too young to die, much less die by Thanos’ hand.

Loki doesn’t think this will be easy. 

Either way, he’s the best option they have. So all four of them get in a jet black car, an Audi apparently, and head towards Tony’s cabin in the woods.

In the car, he can see feel Lang giving him nervous glances, seemingly skeptic about Loki’s so called renewed moral. In all honesty, Loki could not blame the man. In fact, it would be best if Lang didn’t trust him at all. 

It always seemed like once Loki managed to gain someone’s trust, either they die or leave. Thor is dead, and Loki is trying not to think about their last encounter, and it shouldn’t bother him like it does because it wasn’t real. Thor was dead. 

Bruce left, and never came back despite his promising he would. Regardless of Loki’s hurt at the aspect, he could not help but hope the doctor figured his relationship with his alter ego out. He deserved that much, after everything.

When they pull up, Tony is outside holding a helmet of some kind in his left hand, but his daughter, Morgan Stark, is propped up on his hip in his right arm. Loki feels a pang when he looks at the image. 

Tony paused in his venture back to his house, watching the car pull up in trepidation. 

Steve stops the car, and they exit the automobile. Loki can see Stark tense from here. Natasha has crossed her arms over her chest, and Lang is still vibrating with a frantic energy. 

Stark looks at them for a moment and then heads up the wooden stairs to his porch, where he turns around nods at them. Though Loki can see the man is not looking forward the conversation they were all about to have. 

Stark heads inside with his daughter, where Loki thinks perhaps he left her with her mother, and comes back out with a shadow over his face. 

This will not be easy.

...

“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Lang says again after voicing his explanation of the Quantum Realm and his plan to manipulate time. “There’s gotta be a way.”

Stark pours himself a drink, and Loki thinks perhaps the man is too passive about all of this. 

“Now, we know how this sounds... it’s crazy,” Lang stammered. “But there’s gotta to be a way.”

“Tony,” Steve interrupts, arms crossed over his chest. “After everything we’ve seen, is anything really impossible.”

“I have studied the aspects of the Quantum Realm only a little,” Loki chimed in. Tony turns to him. “I admit, at the time I seemed skeptical and deserted the notion of furthering my knowledge on it. But what Lang speaks of... I do not believe it is impossible.”

Stark brings the cup to his lips and takes sip of what Loki suspects is an alcoholic beverage of some kind. When he brings it away from his mouth, he looks at it for a moment.

“Tony,” Natasha says, but Stark stops her.

“Quantum fluctuation messes with the Planck Scale, which then triggers the Deutsch Proposition,” he started, and Loki doesn’t understand a word he just said. He doesn’t voice it though. “Can we all agree on that?”

Steve tips his head like he understands and agrees, but Natasha’s features are still hard against her face. 

“In Layman’s terms,” Loki hears Stark again. “It means you’re not coming home.”

“I did,” Lang articulated.

“No,” Stark disagrees. “You accidentally survived. It’s a billion to one cosmic fluke.” Tony takes a seat on a porch chair, and Lang follows down in to one next to him. “And now you want to pull off some...” he waves his drink in his hand dismissively. “What are you calling it?”

Something like pride passes over Lang’s features. “A time heist?”

Stark just looks at him like he’s ridiculous. “Yeah, a time heist? Of course,” he stands back up, exchanging glances with Steve and Natasha. Loki notices the man is trying very hard to avoid his gaze. “Why didn’t we think about this before? Oh, because it’s laughable? Because it’s a pipedream?” 

Steve locks gazes with Tony then. “The stones are in the past,” he said. “We can go back, and we can get them.”

When Natasha finally speaks, there is something dark and harrowing there. “We can snap our own fingers. We can bring everybody back.”

Stark tilts his head a little. “Or screw it up worse than he already did.”

“I don’t believe we would,” Steve stressed. 

“Gotta say,” Loki heard sarcasm in the millionaire’s voice. “I miss that giddy optimism. However, high hopes won’t help if there’s no logical, tangible way for me safely execute said time heist. I believe the most likely outcome would be our collective demise.”

Scott throws his hands up in defeat and frustratingly turns around. 

Loki takes a leap. “Not if you followed the strict rules of time. Do not speak to your past selves, do not-“

Stark interrupts him, looking at him in the eyes. “Are you really telling me, Loki, that your and Scott’s plan to save the universe is based on Back To the Future?”

Loki narrows his eyes, confused. “What in the Nine are you talking about,” he asked shaking his head, turning to Steve and Natasha incredulously. “What is he talking about?”

“Look,” Tony barked, bringing Loki’s attention back to him. He looks like he wants to be angry, and Loki can’t blame him. But after a moment, the man’s gaze on Loki softens. “I get it, okay? I lost someone, they lost someone,” he gestures to the group. “And maybe you, Loki, lost the most to Thanos,” Loki can’t keep his flinch at bay, remembering Thanos’ boot slam on Thor’s skull. So much blood. His breath hitches, but Stark keeps going. “Despite how I seem, it’s not the worst idea, okay? But I can’t do it without a more concrete plan.”

“Then help us come up with one,” Lang alleged.

“Tony,” Natasha says quietly, something dark in her voice. “We have to take a stand.”

“We did stand,” Stark replied. “And here we are.”

Loki takes another leap, and he is aware it may very well earn him a fist in the face. He says it all, nonetheless. “Stark,” and Tony’s shadowed face turns to him. He speaks slowly. “I understand you have a lot on the line. You have a wife. You have a daughter. You made a life here, you made something out of nothing. But you would not be sacrificing any of that. We would find a way to preserve what you have, and in the end, you would gain more.”

“We have a chance,” Lang exhales after Loki, and Tony turns to him. “You’re right, we all lost somebody, a lot of people did. But now, now we have chance to bring everyone back... to bring her back, and you’re telling me you won’t even-“

“That’s right, Scott,” Stark interrupts, and Loki feels his heart drop. “I won’t even... I got a kid.”

And in that moment, as if the young child heard him, Morgan Stark comes out onto the deck and runs into her father’s arms, who picks her up and props her back up on his hip. “Mommy told me to come and save you,” she said, hiding her face on Stark’s shoulder.

Loki sees his grip on her tighten, and he understands. He truly does. But this is a chance, and he can’t help but feel slightly frustrated at the man. 

“Good job,” Stark said to her. “Daddy’s saved.” He turns to face the four of them, something regretful on his face, but Loki sees he will not change his mind. “I wish you’d come here to ask me something else... anything else. Honestly, I missed you guys, even you Loki. For some crazy reason, you’re not half bad.”

Loki feels something flip in his chest, but it’s not warmth like it is when Natasha says that, or Steve. It’s... wrong. Stark should be baying for his blood after all of this, and he’s not. And he doesn’t understand why.

Stark is heading back to the door to go inside, tone lightening. “Oh, and tables set for you seven, so...”

Finally, Steve stops him, and the millionaire looks up at him. “Tony, I get it. I really do,” and his eyes go down to Morgan. “But this is a second chance.”

“I got my second chance right here, Cap. I can’t roll the dice again. I can’t...” he looks up at Steve a moment longer before heading back inside, his voice fading away when he says, “if you don’t talk shop, you can all stay for lunch.”

Defeated... defeated is what they all feel, to say the least. They walk back down the stairs slowly, without words. 

Finally, after a moment, Natasha says, “he’s scared.”

“He’s not wrong,” Steve commented.

They get closer to the car, Loki’s hand on the handle to open the door. “He is not wrong,” he agreed. “But he is not exactly being cooperative. Or trying particularly hard, for that matter.”

“I mean,” he hears Lang. “What are we going to do? We need him. What, we’re just going to stop?”

Loki’s gaze locks on Steve’s, and his heart plummets to his stomach. He sighs. He already knows what he will say. “No, I want to do it. But we need to do it right.”

“How,” Lang asks.

Natasha gives Loki a comforting glance when Steve says, “we’re going to need a big brain.”

Lang pauses, frowning. “Bigger than his,” he asks incredulously, pointing to Tony’s house.

“Banner,” is all Loki says.

He can’t help the petty flare of bitterness that flows through him. 

“Yeah,” Steve agrees, something sad there. “Banner.”

In this moment, Loki misses Thor.


	16. My Mind Is Frayed (but so is yours)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki talks about hero and villain. He likes to think he is neither, at least not anymore.
> 
> Steve gets a much too harrowing display of how frayed Loki’s mind is.
> 
> They talk to Bruce.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved this chapter. I love Loki/Steve (obviously from my other stories lol), and so I like it when they interact. This isn’t a Loki/Steve story, but I like to broaden that friendship here. 
> 
> Another panic attack in this one is that is triggering.

The car ride is long and awkward to say the least. Loki sits in the back with Lang while Steve drives with Natasha in the passenger seat. They talk about Banner for a while and their uncertainty about whether or not the man would help them made Loki’s skin itch. No one had even heard from him since he left all those years ago. 

Loki listens for as long as he can, but at some point he zoned out and watched the landscape pass him by while they drove, images of Bruce’s leaving in his head like a movie.

Natasha had managed to get in contact with Bruce, telling him they needed to speak with him urgently, but didn’t want to explain too much over the phone. Banner agreed to meet at some diner in the city, and that is where they were headed now. 

Loki doesn’t want to see him.

Loki wants to see him.

It was silent for a while, but within an hour into the drive, Lang opens his mouth. “So,” he draws awkwardly, steering Loki’s attention away from the window. The tension from the front of the vehicle could not be mistaken either. “You’re one of the good guys now, huh?”

Loki realized the question was meant for him, and he shifted a little in his seat. He doesn’t say anything, because what do you say to that question? 

Was he good in the sense that he fought against Thanos five years ago, even if it availed nothing at all? Was he good because the very second he saw Thanos’ vessel looming over the Statesman, he planned to lose his life that day, and not Thor? Only for that the fall flat too? Or was he still tainted by his monstrous past and the blood on his hands? Was the innate monster and evil in his heart more prominent than his supposedly newfound moral? 

If that was the case, was Natasha’s as well? Or even Steve’s? They all had blood on their ledgers. They were gushing red.

Loki locks gazes with the man, and parts his lips. “I would say... there is no answer to that question.” Loki wasn’t going to elaborate, but when Lang gave him a dry expression, he went ahead and did. “Let me just say this. I am not a hero. I never was, and I never will be. That was for Thor,” he took pride when his voice didn’t falter at his brother’s name. “But I certainly don’t feel very villainous either. Thanos took... everything from me. Every last scrap that I had... he took it from me and he crushed it beyond repair...” he paused upon realizing he’d dug his nails from his left hand into the skin of his right hard enough to draw blood. He releases a shaky breath, and relents the tension, watching the blood swell from the wound.

“I fought against him, yes,” Loki starts again. “But I also fought for him in the past, and I can never take that back. I can not bring back Midgard’s dead. But this...” he bites his lip for a moment, swallowing down the rock lodged in his throat. “This I can do. With the Quantum Realm. Those lost in Thanos’ deranged solution...” he can’t finish and shakes his head.

When he looked back up at Lang, he expected confusion, or even anger. But instead he saw point blank understanding in the man’s eyes, and Loki couldn’t help but be grateful for it. He could feel Natasha and Steve from the front of the car considering these words, but neither of them glanced at the pair in the backseat. 

Lang ducked his head a little, as if to agree with what Loki was saying. When he looked back up with questioning eyes, the god knew what he would ask. “Thor is... your brother, right?”

Loki may have been able to say his name without tremble a moment ago, but he can not keep his flinch at bay. “Yes,” he croaks. For a moment, his mind is back on the statesman, trying to feign fealty to Thanos, locking his gaze on Thor’s (“Odinson,” he’d said) expecting to die. “Yes, he was.”

Something flickers like guilt in Lang’s eyes. “Was?”

Loki looks down at his hands, something tearing at his heart. He hesitates, unsure if he will be able to get the words out. “He’s dead,” he manages with a small voice. 

Finally, he saw Natasha glance over her shoulder at him, and Loki was sure Steve would have too if he didn’t have to keep his eyes on the road. Loki doesn’t look up at her though. 

Lang’s voice raises an octave, trying to present hope in his words. “We can fix it. We will fix it.”

Natasha looks away, and Loki realizes the man thinks Thor lost his life in the snap. 

He can not bare to explain otherwise.

The rest of the car ride is in silence.

...

When they finally arrive, Loki stretches once out of the car. The ride wasn’t too long, but it was enough to tighten his muscles. The others exit the vehicle as well, mimicking Loki’s stretches. 

It’s a small diner, Loki notices, on the a strip in the city where people walk about in their mundane lifestyles. Probably not so mundane anymore, however. Loki can see it now, a small family consisting of a wife and husband, perhaps more than one child, who all watch a loved one disappear, their ashes mixing with their food at the dinner table. 

He clenched his eyes shut, shaking the thought away.

Loki manages a small spell to keep him glamoured from pedestrian view. He didn’t need to deal with that panic today. 

Steve is watching him, he knows, but he can’t find it in himself to look at the captain. 

“This is the place,” Natasha comments, her hands sliding in her back pockets while she examines the small restaurant. They all stand on the sidewalk now, and when they advance towards the building, Steve puts a hand on his shoulder as if to stop him.

“You guys go ahead,” Steve called to them. “We’ll be in in a minute.”

Loki watched Natasha and Lang hesitantly head inside, but not without Natasha’s sympathetic eyes locking on Loki’s before she does. 

“Hey,” Steve said, and Loki turns to him. “Are you okay?”

Loki swallowed under his gaze. “Yes,” he replied, but it didn’t sound very convincing in his ears. He makes to turn on his heal, but Steve stops him again. 

“Loki,” he says a little harder. His blue eyes are gentle on Loki’s. “Try the other one.”

“What do you want me say,” Loki finally snaps. “I am not overly fond of seeing Banner.”

“Why?”

Loki looked past Steve’s shoulder, clenching his jaw. Swallowing, he glances back at the man, adding a bit of moisture to his lips before speaking. “Why do you think?”

Steve blinks a few times. “You’re angry because he left.”

It’s not a question, but Loki nods, and then frowns shaking his head, his movements jerking. “No,” he denied. “Not exactly. It’s complicated.”

Steve sighs, sympathy flooding his ocean eyes. “I guess I’m trying to ask, are you going to be terse?”

Loki frowned. “To Bruce?”

Steve nods.

Loki could laugh. “No,” he said passionately. “No, of course not.”

“It would be okay if you wanted to.”

“Well, I don’t. I owe him a debt.”

Steve examines him a moment, tilting his head. “Okay,” he said finally. “I’m not asking in the effort to scold you, or make you feel trapped. I’m asking because I want to make sure you’re okay.”

That... that was enough to have Loki feeling like his knees were going to give out from under him. It still seemed wrong, somehow, to have people other than Thor, or sometimes even Thor, display an affection for him. 

“Loki?”

“Can you just-“ he tried, but cut himself off by biting his tongue and taking a deep breath. He closes his eyes for a moment, stilling his shaking hands. He gained some control over his breathing before opening his eyes again, but when he does Thor is over Steve’s shoulder with a nasty smirk across his lips, and it’s harsh on the thunderer’s features. It’s not right, and it’s wrong enough to have Loki stumble backwards, his back impacting against the car in a panicked fumble. 

He lets out a small gasp from his chest when Steve grabs his arm to keep him upright, a concerned expression twisting his features. “Loki?”

But Thor is still there, something hateful in his one blue eye, the smirk only widening, making Loki’s heart twist in his chest. 

It takes him a moment to realize he can’t breathe, and he distantly hears Steve trying to calm him and drag him back to awareness, but he just can’t. 

“What’s wrong, little Loki?”

Thor’s voice isn’t his own, it’s too deep and too baritone. It almost sounds like Thanos. He almost wishes it was Thanos. It would be simpler then. It would make more sense. But this... this behavior from Thor is something Loki fails to understand. He doesn’t think he ever will. 

He wants to run. He wants to flee, run as fast as his legs will take him, but he knows he will not get far. Even from here, with all of his weight leaning against the car behind him, his legs shake and quiver underneath him. 

“Loki, look at me.” It’s Steve, in front of his face, his calloused hands a comforting weight on Loki’s shoulders and Loki finally manages to look away from the harrowing image of his brother and get his panicked eyes locked on Steve’s.

Steve’s eyes are wide, full of worry and concern. His brows are pulled together in a frown, and his voice is panicked when he tries to get Loki back to reality. He tries to ignore Thor still lingering over the captain’s shoulder, but he only holds his eyes on Steve’s for a moment before looking back at Thor.

“Are you going to cry, little Loki? You shame yourself.”

Loki lets out a breath that sounds too close to a sob, and he sees Steve look over his shoulder before turning back to Loki, confusion still laced on his features. “Loki, what are you looking at?”

Loki shakes his head and squeezed his eyes shut. His breaths are still too tight and short. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry...”

“Loki, I need you to calm down.”

“You see how much of a nuisance you are, you Jotun runt.”

“Loki?”

“Stop,” Loki exhaled. “Just... stop.”

And much to Loki’s surprise, Steve does. He doesn’t say another word. He just stands there and squeezes Loki’s shoulders in a comforting gesture and takes loud deep breaths, which Loki thinks is for his benefit more than Steve’s. Loki tries to follow those inhales and exhales, and after what felt like way too long, he opens his eyes.

Thor is gone, of course. Steve still looks at him with wide eyes that are full of concern and... fear almost. 

Loki takes two more deep breaths before pursing his lips together in a tight line. He wants to close his eyes, but he is afraid Thor will be back when he opens them, so he doesn’t.

“Loki,” Steve tries again. “Hey, you with me?”

Loki parts his lips again, but he doesn’t trust his voice so he just nods his head instead.

He looks over the man’s shoulder one more time, and when he is sure Thor is gone, relief washes through him. Steve doesn’t turn his head, but Loki sees his eyes try to follow Loki’s line of sight. 

“What the hell was that?”

Loki brings his eyes back to Steve’s. He just shakes his head, still unable to speak. He pushes the hands on his shoulders away and steps away from the car he’d leaned all of his body weight onto. He stumbled a little, but gets a hold of his bearings. He feels sweat on his brow and wipes at it with the back of his hand.

“Loki-“

“Captain,” Loki interrupts him, his voice tight in his throat. “Let’s just... go,” he gestures to the diner. “I’m fine.” Steve shakes his head, looking very much not convinced in any way. He opens his mouth to say something, but Loki beats him. “Steve.”

The captain’s mouth snaps shut, and Loki feels relief. 

“We’ve been absent long enough,” Loki said. “I’m fine.”

He is aware he is shaking, but he can’t stop it.

Steve considered something for a moment, and then sighs in defeat, shoulders slumping. “Okay,” he falters. “Just... Loki, this is bad.”

Loki looks down and feels shame. “I know,” he admits. He takes the risk to close his eyes, inhales a long breath, and feels relief when Thor isn’t there when he opens them. “I’ll... I will explain later. But- not here, and not now.”

Steve looks at him a moment longer and then gives him a curt nod. “Okay,” he says. “Come on.”

And they walk inside together.

...

They’re all seated at a table, staring at what was now Bruce Banner, shock and complete incredulous awe the only thing they could feel.

He is tinted green, much like his Hulk, and still has a Hulk like muscular build, but he is slightly smaller in height. He is wearing his glasses, his hair seemingly darker against his green skin. His facial features are still Bruce Banner’s, but mixed with the harsher features of the Hulk. 

Loki just blinks at him, eyes wide with confusion. “I... do not understand.”

Bruce continues to eat some of the eggs off of his plate on the table, and then frowns up at Loki. “I feel like I’m the only one eating,” he said, pushing the plate towards Loki with a big hand. “Have some of that, Loki. You’re too thin.”

Loki doesn’t reply, but narrows his eyes towards the man. He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it after.

“I am so confused,” Lang said from the side.

Banner’s face turns serious for a moment, but it looks faux in some way. “These are confusing time.”

“Right,” Lang agrees, blinking. “No, no, that’s not what I meant-“

“No, I get it,” Bruce chuckled, adding syrup to his pancakes. “I’m kidding. I know, it’s crazy. I’m wearing shirts now.” 

Loki opens his mouth again, but no voice comes out. He watches Bruce put some eggs in his mouth and start chewing.

Lang blinks again. “Yeah,” he said. “H... How? Why?”

“Five years ago,” Bruce starts, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “We got our asses beat. Except it was worse for me. Because I lost twice. First the Hulk lost, then Banner lost. Then... we all lost.”

“No one blamed you Bruce,” Natasha says. 

Loki wanted to vocalize that to his friend as well, but he couldn’t get it out, shock still too fresh. 

“I did,” Banner retorted. “For years, I have been treating the Hulk like he’s some kind of disease, something to get rid of. But then I started looking at him as the cure. Eighteen months in the gamma lab,” he brings up both hands and gestures them. “I put the brains and the brawn together. Now look at me, best of both worlds.”

Loki finally gets something to get past his throat. “That is... incredible...”

Banner chuckles a little and then locks his eyes on the god’s. They hold guilt in them. “I’m sorry I left,” he said, and Loki shifts under his gaze. “I didn’t want to, but I needed to. I needed to... figure this out,” he gestures to himself. 

A small anger flares in Loki that he can’t keep at bay. “How long ago did you figure it out?” 

Banner hesitates, and Loki feels the group at the table tense at Loki’s harsh tone. Hulk-slash-Banner swallows. “A little over a year and a half ago.”

Loki can’t help the betrayal he feels, and scoffs. “So you lied,” he bit out. “When you said you would come back?”

Bruce winced, and he clears his throat, nervous. “Loki, I’m sorry.”

Loki remembers what he told Steve just outside the diner, how he wouldn’t be terse, and he relents his anger a little. He shakes his head, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“So,” Steve starts, and Loki is grateful for his voice then. “About what we were saying...”

Bruce looks away from Loki to Steve, flickering between him and Lang. “Yeah, the whole time travel do-over?” He hesitates again, considering something. “Guys, it’s out of my area of expertise.”

“Well,” Natasha ponders. “You pulled this off. I remember a time when that seemed pretty impossible too.”

Bruce sighs, and then gives a curt nod. “Alright,” he exhaled. “Alright. I would be ready to try, but I can’t make any promises.”

That is a relief, to Loki. There’s lots of aspects in his life right now that are not. His mother is dead, his father (not father, he didn’t know yet) dissolved right in front of him, his sister (definitely not sister) destroyed half of Asgard’s population, Thanos halved that half and then crushed his brother’s skull while he was helplessly held back by Maw’s scrawny fingers, but much too strong hold. 

Nightmares of Thanos, Thor’s death, and the blood dripping from his hands haunt his dreams every night, he saw apparitions of Thor that were not real but felt much too real, Steve has now seen first hand how frayed his mind is, and he feels like he is dying every day. 

To put it lightly, life was shit right now.

But for now, Bruce’s agreement to help was enough. It would have to be.


	17. This, He May Never Heal From

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve talks to Loki, and Loki tells Steve what has been happening. 
> 
> Loki and Natasha have a chat.
> 
> They try time travel!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... oof... it’s been a hot minute. I am back!! Hello! Got sick for a while there, and then Thanksgiving happened, which I hoped everyone had a fun Turkey Day! 
> 
> Anyways, here is the next installment. 
> 
> PS. Someone make me go work on the next chapter of The First Time I Believed...

The car ride back to the compound was crowded, with Steve and Natasha still in the front, the captain behind the wheel, and Lang, Banner, and Loki in the back seat. Bruce’s new Hulkish form in the middle cramped Loki and Lang against the windows, but Loki couldn’t find it in him to care. 

Thor’s hellish eyes that held fiery hate, hate directed towards Loki, was still too fresh in his mind. It would forever be engraved in his brain. That, he wouldn’t ever be able to unsee. Just as much as he’ll never be able to unsee his brother’s blood washed against stone, staining his hands and his clothes and his mind. 

He knew, once they were back at the compound, Steve would hound him about that last encounter. Loki understood it was unfair to be angry about it, but dammit he’d kept this to himself for five years. And one, stupid slip in public was enough to send him to a frenzy. And it just had to be in front of Steve. It just had to be. 

He ignored Bruce’s muscled arm pressed against his and stared out the window, leaning his sweaty forehead against the cool glass. He closed his eyes, almost begging for a permanent oblivion.

...

Loki must have dozed off at some point because when he felt someone jostle him awake, he realized they were back at the compound once his eyes opened. Everyone was out of the car, but Steve must have stayed behind to personally wake him. 

However, he supposed this unwanted conversation was happening now, because the doors to the vehicle were closed and Steve was sitting in the empty seat next to him.

The good captain was looking at him with expectant blue eyes, but there was a mix of sympathy in them. Loki sighed, leaning his head back against the headrest behind him. “Captain,” he started first. “Must we do this now?”

“Yes,” Steve said without hesitation. The tone held determination in it along with some form of caution. He repositioned himself to turn more towards the god. “Loki, I know you don’t want to do this. But like I said back at the diner, this is bad.”

“And like I said, I am aware,” Loki snapped. He still avoided Steve’s eyes, looking straight ahead at the seat in front of him. He inhaled a long breath, letting it go slowly. He was grateful Steve allowed him a moment to collect himself. He swallowed hard, but it didn’t seem to dislodge the giant rock in his throat. 

Well, Loki thought to himself. What was the Midgardian phrase? Just rip it off like a bandaid. 

“A little over six months after we voyaged to kill Thanos and succeeded, I began seeing Thor,” he was surprised at how steady his voice was. Steve shifted in his seat, and Loki thought he heard him swallow. “At first I didn’t speak to him,” he continued. “I attempted to avoid acknowledging him. And it worked, for a while. I knew he wasn’t real. I understood what was happening. But at some point... I-“ he shook his head. “I couldn’t.”

Steve waited a moment. “You began to talk back.”

It wasn’t a question, but Loki nodded slowly anyway. He swallowed again. “Yes. As hard as I tried to avoid it... I just couldn’t.” 

“Oh Loki,” Steve exhaled.

“At first it was just playful banter, much like we did when we were mere children. But then our conversations took a serious turn, and we began speaking of... serious things.”

“What kind of serious things?”

“Things I couldn’t speak to anyone else.”

Steve hesitated, breathing in through his nose. “Things like Thanos?”

Loki finally broke his gaze off of the chair in front of him and turned his head to Steve. He thought he might get angry, but he couldn’t find the energy for it. He opened his mouth to deny it, but he couldn’t do that either.

Steve smiled a small one. “Bruce mentioned a long time ago that he thought maybe Thanos was the one pulling the strings in New York. We knew he sent you, at least we do now. But... something tells me it wasn’t that simple.”

Loki focused on controlling his breathing, remembering what it felt like to have his skin peeled off his back. His lids fell over his eyes. 

“Was he wrong,” he heard Steve ask. 

“He was not wrong,” Loki managed with a rough voice. “But he wasn’t right either. Thanos sent me to Midgard to retrieve the Tesseract. But he wasn’t... pulling the strings as you say. I was not his puppet. My will remained my own. It was his wish, which I abided by at the time. He did not control me.”

“Loki-“

“We’re here to talk about Thor, are we not?” 

Steve’s lips snapped closed in a tight line. He exhaled a sigh, and nodded. 

Loki nodded too, glancing down at his hands a quick moment before looking back up. “As I was saying, Thor and I were simply talking. And then... he started... it was like a switch flipped.”

Steve frowned. “What do you mean?”

Loki felt tears sting his eyes, but he squeezed them closed, pushing them back. He would not let any fall. “He became cruel. He... says things, or just... the way he looks at me.”

“Looks at you how?”

Loki released a breath that he couldn’t distinguish between a sob, a cough, or a laugh. “With hatred. Like he completely and utterly hates me. Like he’s not my brother. Like he-“

His voice choked off, but Steve nodded with blue eyes full of understanding. “Like he blames you?”

Loki felt like his chest was burning, like it was on fire. His heart was weighing heavy in his chest, and it... it hurt. It hurt so bad. He clenched his eyes shut again, holding his breath. There was a sound in his ears that sounded too close to skull crushing underneath a boot. 

He exhaled the breath he was holding, and it exploded out of him, his chest deflating. “It’s almost poetic is it not? I who used to deny the brotherhood we shared is now at the other end of the spectrum,” he let out a small laugh, but it sounded dull. “I don’t think I am fond of it.”

Steve winced out of the corner of his eye. Loki looked away from him again, and after a few seconds, the captain spoke. “I get it,” he said. “I know what it’s like, I think. To feel like you failed, to feel like you screwed up so bad there is nothing that could ever fix it.”

Loki turned his head back to him, and the man’s eyes were shadowed over with something like guilt and loss. Loki knew what and who he was speaking of, and it made something pang in his heart. “Your friend,” he confirmed. 

Steve nodded. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I’ve lost him twice now. And to be honest I can’t tell you that it will ever get easy, but it never seems to get worse.”

Loki bit his lip. “That’s just it though, Captain.”

“What?”

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale one more time. “I think it is getting worse.” 

Loki and Steve both lapsed into a silence then, both unsure what to say or what to do from here on out. Loki, as much as he had dreaded this, feels like a slight weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. He feels a small victory of relief wash through him. He knew, much like the captain had said, he knew this was bad. He knew he was mad. Whether because he was mad before or Thor’s death truly pushed him further down in the black mud in his head, he wasn’t sure. 

He never was quite right. He knew that. The Void did a fantastic job at plummeting him to darkness, and Thanos did an even better job at exploiting it. He didn’t have to try very hard, he thought shamefully. Not in the end. In the end he would have done anything. He would have offered anything. He had craved, at the time, the slightest gentle touch and the slightest kind word. He was hungry for it, starved to the point of begging. 

And he did beg. Beg and scream and shout, Thor’s name always on the tip of his tongue, and sometimes he couldn’t hold back the cry of his brother’s name. Most of the time, that only earned him more pain. 

But that pain... that pain was physical pain and a mental pain where Thanos dug through the tar in his head as he sought out the right things to exploit. 

This... this was what Thanos had warned him of. Thanos was smart, he knew even then that Thor was his greatest weakness, and sometimes his greatest strength. 

Much like Thanos had told him he would, he almost longed for the times the Chitauri would tear him apart without mercy or carefulness, permanent damage not something to worry about so long as he could do what Thanos wanted. He longed for Ebony Maw’s fingers clawing through his mind and his thoughts and the very core of his being. He longed for his blood to spill against stone where he was sometimes left to lay in. He longed for all of it.

Because that, he would always heal from regardless of the fact that they would do it again. He still always healed.

This... he wasn’t sure he would heal from this.

“Loki,” Steve broke the silence. “I can help you. We can help you.”

Loki could laugh. “How?”

Steve considered this for a moment, and then swallowed hard and locked his gaze on Loki’s, determination burning like a great fire in them. “The next time you see him, or think you might, or you just... need help, come find me. Come find me, or Natasha or...” there wasn’t much of anyone else from that. “Bruce is back. Maybe he can help too. Lang would even listen, though I’m sure you would never do that.”

“You would be correct,” Loki said dryly. “But... alright. I think... I think I can do that.”

Steve smiled. 

Loki couldn’t hold back his own, weak and small as it was. Steve clasped his hand on Loki’s shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. “Thank you, Loki.”

He frowned. “For what?”

“For telling me. For trusting me. And as crazy as it sounds for me to say it, I trust you too, Loki.”

Something fluttered in Loki’s chest, though what it was, he couldn’t pin point it. If it was happiness, he didn’t know it. He’d forgotten what that felt like. He didn’t think he ever truly did.

“Thank you, Captain.”

Steve squeezed one more time, and then they exited the car together.

...

When they get back inside, Steve guided them both to a wide open area, white walls washing the room a bright color. Scott Lang’s van is there in the middle, the back doors open to reveal a wide-squared metal contraption facing out towards the room. Lang had put on a metal suit, red with tendrils of gunmetal colored strips along the frame of it. He held a helmet in his hand.

“What have we got going on here,” Steve asked as they entered. 

Bruce, from a panel of controls and wires and buttons Loki didn’t know anything about, smiled wide. “Once I get this thing set up, we’re going to try it. I went over some things in the car on the way here, and I’ve just implemented them in this,” he gestured to the controls. 

Steve and Natasha looked lost, and for some reason, Lang looked amused. 

Bruce huffed out a sigh at their disinterest and misunderstanding. “I would explain it,” he said, waving his hand dismissively. “But it would take too long and in the end your tiny brains wouldn’t comprehend it.”

Natasha tilted her head in agreement. “Rude, but fair,” she said in a light tone.

Steve went over to panels and engaged himself in conversation with Bruce. Lang was messing with the machine in the back of his van, seemingly in his own little world. He seemed lighter, Loki thought, than when he got here. Less frantic.

Natasha came up to his side, brushing her shoulder against his. “Hey,” she greeted. “How ya doing?”

Loki smirked. “Fine,” he said. “It seems like maybe all of this will work. With the Quantum Realm.”

Natasha nodded next to him. “Yeah,” she breathed out, sounding unsure. Loki gave her look, and then she looked a little guilty. “Sorry,” she murmured. “It just seems... I don’t know.”

“Too good to be true,” he suggested in question.

She looked from Lang’s machine to him. “Yeah,” she agreed. “It’s just... well, like Scott likes to put it, it just sounds crazy. Time travel.”

Loki nodded in agreement. “We did not even have such things on Asgard. At least, not without magic. Though, I’m sure had we achieved it we would be less inclined to actually engage in its doing.”

Romanov frowned. “Yeah, why not?”

Loki smirked again, turning to face her. “Because it’s crazy,” he said playfully.

The widow chuckled, crossing her arms over her chest. She looked at him a moment longer, her smile slipping off of her features. Loki knew what she was going to ask before she even opened her mouth. “Why are you helping us?”

“What,” he asked, frowning.

She shrugged. “It’s just... you don’t have to. I would understand if you didn’t want to.”

Loki swallowed, feeling small under her gaze. “What do you mean,” he asked innocently, but his voice sounded tight to his ears. 

She sighed, huffing out a breath. She tilted her head at him, considering something. “Forgive me if I’m overstepping,” she started, cautious. “But you don’t have anything to gain from this.” He stayed eerily still next to her, focusing on his breathing. “Thor-“

“I know,” he interrupted her, eyes closed. She went silent, her breathing easy compared to his. He opened his eyes again and turned to look at her. “It doesn’t change anything,” he began, surprised at how steady his voice was. “It doesn’t fix anything. I can not go back in time and change what I’ve done, that I know. And as I’ve said to Lang, it would not matter. I can not bring back Midgard’s dead. And I think we both understand guilt or regret does not matter either, though we also both understand, after a fashion, I feel it. 

“I can not fix what I’ve done,” he said again, and he was grateful for her expressionless face. “But I can fix what I started. I can fix this.” She stares at him, and he stares back. He thinks maybe he sees a slight expression of surprise on her features. “Thor will remain dead,” he says hard. “But is this not what he would have done?”

She inhaled a deep breath, and let it go slowly. She begins to nod, blinking twice. “I see,” she said. “Well... in the end, we will be grateful for your help.”

“As I have been grateful to you.”

She smiled a small one, and Loki returns it. “You know,” she said. “I’ve told you this before, and I’m sure Steve has too. But we don’t blame you. For all of this.”

He looks away, feeling cowardly for it. He doesn’t respond, because he isn’t sure what he would say. Even if he had thought of a reply, he would not have gotten it out.

Steve comes over to them, smiling. “Hey,” he called. “We’re ready. We’re going to try it.”

He guides them to the control panels Bruce still stood at, Loki noticing how small everything seemed next to him. 

Lang has taken his place in front of his van, his helmet now on his head. Loki locked gazes with him for a moment before looking away. 

“Okay,” Bruce says. “Here we go. Time travel test number one. Scott, fire up the ... the van thing.”

Scott rolls his eyes, but turns to flip some buttons and then the machine fires up, and orangish-red light beaming from it.

“Breakers are set,” Steve started. “Emergency generators are on standby.”

Bruce is still fiddling with the controls, talking quietly. “Good, because if we blow the grid, I don’t want to leave Tiny here in the 1950’s.”

Loki raises his eyebrows. Lang frowns from by the van. “Wait what,” he called to them. “What did he say?”

Loki looked back at him, then tried to alter his voice to a faux innocence. “Don’t worry about it,” he called to him. “It doesn’t concern you.”

Lang flutters, sputtering out a few sounds of disagreement. “I think I’ll have to beg to differ to that one.”

“He’s kidding,” Natasha tells him, then turns to Bruce in a hushed voice. “You can’t say things like that.”

Realization dawns on Banner’s face, and he turns back to Lang. “Just... a bad joke,” he tried.

“You were kidding right,” Natasha asked.

Bruce whispers quietly and a little frantically to her. “I have no idea. We’re talking about time travel here. Either it’s all a joke, or none of it is.”

Loki watched him plaster a smile on his face, then held up a thumbs up to Lang. “We’re good,” the Hulk-slash-Bruce called. “Alright, Scott, I’m going to send you back a week, let you walk around for about an hour, then bring you back in about ten seconds. Make sense?”

Lang huffs out a nervous breath. “Perfectly not confusing.”

Steve, with his arms crossed over his chest, tells him, “good luck Scott. You got this.”

Lang smiled a wide one. “You’re right. I do, Captain America.”

Loki rolls his eyes, and Bruce pushed a button, and then he is gone. The energy in the room is clouded with dread and uncertainty. He watches the van, the energy coming from the machine vaguely familiar, in a sense. 

“On the count of three,” Bruce started, his green finger lingering over a button. “Three... two... one.”

Bruce pressed the button, and something happens with the machine in the van, and Scott is back.

Except... wait. Who is that?

What appeared to be small child, perhaps a Midgardian fifteen years of age, comes out of the Quantum Tunnel. 

“Uhh... guys,” the child says, and Loki realized it is indeed Lang. “This doesn’t feel right.”

“Oh Norns...”

“What is this?”

“What’s going?”

“Who is that?”

Bruce is frantically pressing buttons, and Loki can’t help but join him, something overtaking him. “Try that one,” he offered, and Bruce did.

“Hold on,” Bruce said, panicked.

“Is that Scott,” Natasha asked, incredulous. 

“Yes,” Loki answered, and Scott at the same time calls, “yes! It’s Scott!”

Loki pushed a small button, and then Scott gets sucked back into the tunnel, and he breathed out a sigh of relief. It quickly rebuttals itself when the man comes back and he is much older, wrinkles littering his face. He stares at the older Lang with wide eyes, who reaches behind him to crack his back.

“Ow! My back!”

“What is this,” Steve asked, stepping forward towards panel, looking at Older Lang in anxiety. 

“Can I get some space here,” Bruce asked, and Steve steps back again. Loki stays next to him, however, helping push buttons and flipping switches. 

“Can you bring him back,” Steve asked again.

“I’m working on it!”

“Bruce,” Loki said, pointing to a switch, which the man frantically flips. 

After a moment, Older Lang gets pulled back in, and the suit comes back out puddled on the ground. 

With a baby inside of it. 

A baby... Scott... as a baby.

“Shit,” Loki mutters under his breath, and he and Bruce frantically begin pushing buttons again.

Steve stares at the baby. “It’s a baby,” he said seriously. 

“It’s Scott,” Bruce corrects.

“As a baby!”

“He’ll grow!”

Steve takes a panicked step towards Baby Lang. “Bring Scott back!”

Bruce turns to Natasha, who is pacing back and forth with a frightened look. “When I say kill the power, kill the power.”

“Oh my God,” she mumbled, heading towards a lever on the wall that Loki suspects will do the deed. 

Bruce and Loki push some more buttons, and Loki gestures to one of the side, and he flips a switch, he and Bruce exchanging a nod. “Kill it,” Bruce calls, then pushes the button.

Natasha pulled down the lever, and then everything shuts itself down, then the Quantum Tunnel loses its light. Someone comes through the portal.

Loki looks up from the controls, and Scott looks relatively normal except for the fact that he looks beyond uncomfortable in his own skin. 

Everyone stares at the man for a moment, and then opens his mouth. “Somebody peed my pants.”

Everyone’s shoulders slump in relief, and Loki feels like he could fall over. “Oh, Thank God,” Natasha says from the side.

Scott speaks again. “But, I don’t know if it was ‘baby’ me, or ‘old’ me,” he pauses, and Loki thinks maybe he could laugh. “Or... ‘me’ me.”

Bruce’s arms spread out in dramatic way, a wide smile on his features. “Time travel!”

Loki stares up at him, incredulous. Steve doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head and then walks away. Natasha is still staring at Scott as if to make sure it’s really him.

“What,” Bruce questions, looking at Loki. “I see this as an absolute win.”

Loki can’t help himself, but he huffs out a small breath, a laugh, and Natasha does too. 

It was shaky, and it wasn’t at all ready. But it worked. 

However, deep down, they all knew... it would take a lot more than this. 

Loki could only hope...


	18. The World Isn’t Black and White

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Steve talk... again...
> 
> Thor makes another appearance.
> 
> A... ship?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I’m sorry I suck. This is so late and I said I would post before Christmas and I didn’t. I hope everyone had a Happy Holidays. I always get sad once it’s over. 
> 
> Anyways, I won’t waste anymore of your time! Read on!

Loki watched Bruce work at his panels, flipping switches and pushing buttons Loki didn’t know the controls of. The Hulked Banner had something on his face that reminded Loki of himself. Something in the man’s eyes shined with failure, mixed with something else like anger. 

He could see Lang at his van, still suited but absent of his helmet, with the same look in his eyes. Natasha, of course, had a guarded look, but Loki could see it in her too. 

This wouldn’t work. When Bruce said this was out of his field of expertise, he was right. Lang had come back from the Quantum Realm at three different ages before they got him back as himself. That clearly wasn’t a good sign, and without Stark to help with any of the algorithms or theories, then it never would work. 

Perhaps, if Loki had the time to study and become an expert on the Quantum Realm, then he could figure it all out himself. But in all actuality, they didn’t have that time. It would take months, perhaps years for Loki to truly perfect his knowledge. The Quantum Realm was completely out of this world, it was an unpredictable region of space and time. It was close to the void, but not the same. 

“I just need to recalibrate,” Bruce pulled him from his thoughts. Lang had moved from his van to Hulk-slash-Bruce, also examining the control panels. Natasha was next to them, looking concentrated, but Loki could see she didn’t really understand the sciences of it.

“What if we...” Lang started, but faltered off with his mouth still open. His eyes had hopelessness in them.

Loki lipped his lips, bit his tongue, then licked his lips again. “Would we be able to access the source of time in the realm through my own magical energy?”

Bruce looked hesitant, but something sparked in Lang’s eyes. “It’s possible.”

“I don’t think so,” Bruce said.

“Why not,” Natasha asked, her arms crossed over chest. 

“It wouldn’t make sense,” the man explained. “I don’t doubt you’re a powerful sorcerer, I’ve seen it first hand myself. But, from one single source, in this case you, I don’t think it would be enough. And, unfortunately, we don’t necessarily have a bunch of sorcerers on hand here.”

Loki believed Bruce’s words, but that doesn’t make him hate them any less. Of course... useless. He was so fucking useless. And he was so tired of being useless, he was absolutely exhausted. He just wanted to rest. 

Sometimes, he dreamt about falling. But he wasn’t falling through the void, no. He was just falling, and he could always see the ground getting closer and closer, and Loki’s heart wouldn’t even be racing. He would feel calm, he would feel complete and soothing tranquility. But he never hit the ground. He would wake up with a start, sweating as he remembered Thor was dead all over again. 

He could hear Bruce, Lang, and Natasha speaking about their theories and explanations, their laughable guesswork, but he couldn’t focus on the words. Instead, he excused himself, their eyes burning holes in the back of his head as he exited. 

He decided to find Steve.

...

He found Steve outside in the front of the compound with his arms crossed over his chest, something like a frustrated desperation etched onto his features. It made something in Loki’s chest tug, because the captain was too good a man to look so lost. 

It was strange, for Loki, to feel so attached. He remembered fighting these people tooth and nail, demanding they kneel before him. He remembered Thanos’ thick fingers in his brain at the time, influencing him with both his own power and the power of the scepter, altering Loki’s own hate and anger to the Titan’s satisfaction.

Sometimes Loki wonders what might have happened if he’d fallen here, to Earth, instead of the wretched hands of Thanos’ torment. He could have been good here. No hero, obviously. He didn’t want to be the hero. He just... he wanted something, but he didn’t know what it was. 

He came up behind the captain’s shoulder, sighing. Steve glanced back at him. “Hey,” he said.

“Hello,” Loki greeted back. Steve looked down for a moment before turning his gaze back at Loki. The man gave him a smile, but it was tight and so evidently forced that it was fake. “Are you alright?”

Steve chuckled a little. “Gotta tell you,” he said. “Weird hearing that question from you.”

Loki winced slightly. “Is it?” Steve nodded, but didn’t voice his yes. “Well?”

Something flickered in the captain’s eyes. Something sad. “Not really.” 

It feels like it was so long ago, that Loki hated this man. Hated his righteousness and his courage and his Norns-damned duty of protection. Loki remembered feeling utter disgust when Clint had told him all about him when Loki had claimed the archer as his own. He remembered how fond Barton’s voice was when speaking of his fellow Avengers, because while Loki managed to make Barton love him (accidental though that part of the control was), he could never make the man hate his friends. The scepter didn’t work like that. Though to be fair Loki wasn’t sure how the damned thing worked at all. 

Steve Rogers wasn’t the only one Loki had hated, completely and wholly. There was Natasha Romanoff, the woman whose ledger was gushing red and had the audacity to think she could wipe it. Bruce Banner, a green beast who hid in the shadows instead of using his alter ego as a weapon. Tony Stark, the genius billionaire who solved all of his problems by waving some money around and making pointless jokes. He’d even, in a way, hated Clint Barton at the time. 

And then there was Thor. Loki had probably hated his brother the most. Now... now his name or the mere thought of him had his heart wrenching in his chest. Thor was... a constant. Always. And now, he was dead. Not only that, Loki was slowly but surely losing his sanity every moment his mind conjured up his brother to the living.

Loki didn’t hate any of these people anymore. He didn’t love them, no. But... he didn’t hate them. He has this urge to protect them, to make sure they came to no harm because Loki does not like it when people touch or harm things that are his or he feels a duty of protection to.

His mother always told him when he got attached, it was strong. When he loved, he loved hard and fully, and it could very well be the death of him. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t. It became the death of Thor’s, and Loki had to wonder if the Gods were laughing at him.

Steve was looking at him with this analytical look that said he knew Loki was thinking about something that hurt, so he quickly pushed these thoughts away. 

“We will work it out,” Loki said. “Lang doesn’t seem like the type to give up. And Norns know you are not.”

Steve smiled, but it was small, and hopeless. “Maybe,” he said, and then he turned to look at Loki. “Neither are you.”

That hurt, and it shouldn’t have. Steve said it with a small, sweet smile like he was proud of him, but it just made Loki feel like his heart dropped down to his boots. It felt misplaced. And he didn’t know what to say, because, shamefully, he wanted to give up. He felt like he already had. 

“Loki?”

He blinked, realizing he was just staring at the captain with a look that Loki didn’t know. “My apologies,” he murmured. He felt his eyes prickling, but he pushed it down. 

“You don’t believe me?”

Loki shook his head. “No,” he disagreed. “It’s only... I do not feel as though I have not.”

“Not what?”

“Given up.”

Silence enveloped the two. Loki couldn’t hold the captain’s gaze any longer and looked away, feeling like a coward. Even when his eyes ventured away, he could feel Steve’s eyes burning holes in him. He shifted on his feet, missing Thor in this particular moment. 

“You know,” Steve started, trying for a light tone. “Sometimes I feel like that too.”

Stunned, Loki turned back to him. He was smiling playfully, as if he knew something Loki did not. “Really?”

Steve scoffed. “Definitely. The world is... a broken one. Sometimes it’s hard not to bough under the weight of it.”

Touché, Loki thought.

“But that doesn’t mean we do,” Steve went on. “Loki, I’ve watched you for five years, isolating yourself and letting guilt eat you alive,” he said, and Loki flinched. “But you never let it consume you. It may hurt, and that is okay. Of course it will. Guilt... never really goes away. But to let it rule you... that is a different story.

“I know you feel like you’ve let it rule you, but you haven’t. If it had...” he paused, swallowing hard. “Pardon me if I’m overstepping, but if it had, I’m afraid we would have found you dead in your room by now.”

Loki flinched again, but knew Steve didn’t say any of this out of callous or malicious intent. But that didn’t make it hurt any less. Perhaps because he knew he was right.

Steve was still looking at him, eyes shining with something Loki couldn’t put his finger on. “You are kind,” Loki croaked out. His eyes were stinging again, and he wasn’t sure he would be able to hold back the flood this time. He’d been holding it back for so long, he wanted to just stare up at the sky and scream and rage and curse. “I’m sorry,” he said, but wasn’t sure why.

Steve frowned, seeming to be disappointed in Loki’s response, like that wasn’t what he had wanted to elicit. “For what?”

Loki scoffed, licking his lips. “Shall I make a list?”

Steve couldn’t keep back his own small chuckle. “Should I make one for me too?”

“It’s not the same,” Loki said, shaking his head.

“Why not?”

“You did not attempt to rule an entire planet, and you did not kill those who stood in your way, whether or not they were innocent,” he saw Steve wince. “Not that innocence matters.”

“If you believe that, then that’s kind of my point. I’ve had to kill to get done what needs to be done. I was a soldier in a World War, Loki.”

Loki just shook his head again. Steve seemed disappointed, and looked like he was going to let the line of conversation go, but then something must have changed his mind. “I don’t talk much about Bucky,” he started. “But he was my best friend. I’ve lost him too many times. Like I said it never gets easier.”

“No,” Loki says. “I don’t suppose it does.” He understood well.

“Did you know I fought the entire United Nations for him?”

Loki did not know that. He shook his head.

“Did you know there were casualties along the way?”

He didn’t know that either, so he shook his head again.

“People think I’m perfect, or their symbol for peace and order,” Steve said, and Loki noticed his voice sounded heavy. “I’m not. Maybe I was once. But it was... a lot easier back then. My hands are stained red too, Loki.” He paused for a moment, as if trying to consider something. “I’m trying to say, everyone does what they need to do or they feel is right. That’s all I was doing, and that’s all you were doing, regardless of if it was right or not.”

Loki looked at him, and Steve had this gaze in his eyes that seemed to convey that he knew he hit his mark. Loki wanted to argue, but figured he’d lost this one. “I’m sorry,” he said instead. “About your friend.”

Steve swallowed hard, his throat bobbing up and down as he did. And then he did it again. “Yeah,” he exhaled. “I’m sorry about Thor. He was a damn good friend.”

“He was a good brother,” Loki whispered. “And I was very patently not.”

Steve winced. “That’s not true.”

“I miss him,” he admitted in an exhalation of breath. “I’ve thought about how many times Thor had to lose me, how many times he had to endure my death. But I had never had to endure his,” he inhaled a sharp, deep breath. “I wonder how he did it.”

Steve hesitated, shifting on his feet. “Same as you, I suppose.”

Loki shook his head, laughing. “He didn’t hallucinate me or conjure me up in his mind, I assure you. He didn’t go mad.”

“You’re not mad.”

“Steve-“

Before Loki could finish his thought, the sound of a car’s engine roared through the compound, and they both looked towards the sound to see a black sedan vehicle speeding towards the entrance. Steve and Loki exchange nervous glances, but they also have an idea of who it was. 

The car pulls to them, but it goes a little too far. The driver puts the car in reverse, and stops in front of them, window rolling down to reveal Tony Stark looking at them like he knows something they don’t. 

“Why the long face,” Stark asked. “Let me guess, he turned into a baby?”

Loki rolled his eyes, but Steve crossed his arms over his chest with a playful smile ticking at his lips. “Among other things, yeah.”

“Why are you here, Stark,” Loki asked, not really in the mood to be told ‘I told you so’. 

Stark considers the question, then unbuckles his seatbelt, stepping out of the car. “It’s the EPR paradox,” he said, ignoring Loki’s question. “Instead of pushing Lang through time, you might have wound up pushing time through Lang.”

Loki frowned, tilting his head. Was he here to help? 

Stark cocked his head to the side, his tone light. “It’s tricky. Dangerous. Someone should have cautioned you against it.”

“You did.”

“You did.”

Steve and Loki look at each other after both saying it at the same time, then back at Stark. 

“Oh,” Stark feigned surprise. “Did I? Thank God I’m here. Regardless,” he pulled something from his pocket, a small looking device Loki didn’t understand. “I fixed it.”

Steve looked down at it too, brows furrowed, creating a deep wrinkle in his forehead. 

“What is this,” Loki asked.

Stark holds it out to him, as if giving Loki permission to examine it. Loki takes it. “A fully functioning time space GPS.” Loki flips it around between his fingers, Steve watching him before turning back to Stark. “I just want peace,” he said, holding up his index and middle finger in a V. Loki didn’t understand the meaning, but he didn’t particularly care or get a chance to ask before Stark snatched the device from his hand. “Turns out, resentment is corrosive, and I hate it.”

Amen to that, Loki thought to himself. Steve just said, “me too.”

Stark’s playful, and to quite frank, cocky voice falls away, and his eyes shine with uncertainty. “We got a shot at getting these stones, but I gotta tell you my priorities: bring back what we lost? I hope, yes,” he paused, hesitant. “Keep what I got? I have to. At all costs. And... maybe not die trying would be nice too.”

Stark looks between Steve and Loki, as if asking permission, or needing a confirmation on his demands. 

“Stark,” Loki said, reluctant. He and Stark never really got off on the right foot, but Loki had a newfound respect for the man. “You will not lose your family. I will make sure of it.”

Loki knew, he understood, what it was to lose your family. He’d lost his fath-... he’d lost Odin a long time ago, even before he died. His mother was murdered, then Odin really did die. His sister was mad, perhaps more than Loki ever was. It shouldn’t be, but it was a comfort, knowing that.

Then Thor... who’s death was engraved in Loki’s brain, the sound of his skull crushing under Thanos’ boot, his blood spraying against stone and Loki’s own hands. 

He felt himself want to vomit, so he pushed it away. 

Stark nodded at him, eyes understanding. Then he looked to Steve, who smiled a small one then held out his hand for Stark to take. “We have a deal,” he said.

Stark took the hand, and they shook on it. 

After this, Stark moves along the side of the car to the back, where he popped open the trunk. Loki and Steve follow, frowning. There is a dirty looking cloth, which Stark swiped away, revealing...

Oh...

Steve stumbled back on his feet a little, and Loki just watches him carefully. 

Captain America’s shield seems to be staring at them from the billionaire’s trunk. 

“Tony,” Steve mumbles, sounding unsure, and a little insecure. “I don’t know...”

“Why,” the man asked innocently. “My old man made it for you.”

“Your father,” Loki asked with a frown.

“Yep,” Stark confirms with a chirp, picking it up from out of the trunk. “Plus, I gotta get it out of the garage before Morgan takes it sledding.”

Steve chuckled, but his smile fell quickly. He glanced at Loki, who shrugged, hoping he mentally told the man that it was up to him. Then, as if afraid the hunk of metal would burn him, Steve hesitantly took it from Tony’s hand, then fit it on his arm. 

Loki couldn’t hold back his own minuscule smile. 

“Thank you, Tony.”

For a moment Stark looks like he will say you’re welcome, but then his playful tone comes back into his voice, patting Steve on the shoulder. “Listen, will y’all keep this quiet? I didn’t bring one for the whole team.”

“My lips are sealed,” Loki mumbled dryly.

Stark exhales a laugh through his nose, then hesitated when he looked back at Steve. “We are getting the whole team, right?”

“We’re working on it.”

...

After that, Loki had retreated back to his rooms to seek some solace for himself after such a hectic day. He hadn’t meant to come sulk, and he was big enough to admit he was sulking. 

The test run with the Quantum Realm earlier had been a complete and utter failure. Loki still remembered how his heart had practically jumped out of his throat when Lang came back through the threshold the first time as a younger version of himself. Technically, it had all worked, but it wasn’t what they needed. 

When Loki saw that black vehicle roaring through the compound, he’d felt hope. A hope he hadn’t felt since... he can’t even remember. Ever since Thor’s death, he hadn’t felt much of anything except pure agony. 

He thought back to Steve’s conversation with him. He knew the good man was trying to convince Loki the world wasn’t black and white, wasn’t good and evil. Loki wasn’t black or white, and he wasn’t good or evil. He didn’t know what he was. He thinks maybe Steve was trying to tell him he didn’t have to be either, because neither was Steve. 

Then what did that make him? What place did he have? 

“Do you have to be either one?”

Loki twitched from where he had been laying on his bed, his heart stuttering. The voice was unmistakable, the way it was so deep that it nearly rattled your bones but somehow made you feel comforted. 

He sat up, sweat forming on his brow from his nerves. Which Thor will he be speaking to tonight? 

When he was upright, he could see Thor in his living room, a warm smile on his face.

“Thor...”

“Can’t you be something in between?”

He frowned, unsure, then spoke carefully. “In between what?”

“Good and evil.”

Thor moved around the couch to come towards him, and Loki felt disgusted with himself when he recoiled against the headboard. Thor stopped. “Loki?”

“Just,” Loki sputtered. “Please, keep your distance.” 

Thor furrowed his brows, confused, but he didn’t disobey Loki’s request. Loki thought about calling Steve, his phone was right there on the bedside table, he could do it. He told Steve he would. He promised. 

But... he couldn’t move. It was like his bones were locked in place, and if he were to try to move he would pop something out of its socket. So he sat there, completely still. He could feel himself trembling slightly. 

He hated it. He hated himself.

“Loki,” Thor said gently. “Are you quite alright?”

Loki swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Of course,” he croaked out. “Are you?”

His brother seemed to wonder why he wouldn’t be anything else. “Of course,” he mimicked. “Loki, I will not hurt you. Do you think I would?”

Norns damn him. He couldn’t hold back the smallest of whimpers from clawing it’s way up his throat. “I don’t know what to think.”

Thor still didn’t attempt to advance forward. “Well, I won’t.”

“You have,” Loki snapped, then closed his eyes, muscles tensing as if waiting for the blow. 

It never came. It was completely silent, the only sound to be heard was his own ragged breathing. He couldn’t open his eyes, because what if Thor was gone, or worse, he wasn’t. He was still there, scowling at him, hating him. 

“Please,” Loki whispered. Sweat slowly slid down his neck. “Please, go away.”

He wasn’t planning on opening his eyes, but then his phone started to vibrate against the wood of the table next to his bed, and he flinched. He didn’t move for a moment, but when he did and his eyes opened Thor was gone. He released a shaky breath, gaze sliding to the phone.

He could see the name ‘Natasha’ on the screen, wondering why she was calling him and not just coming to him. It wasn’t that big of a compound. He was thinking about ignoring it, but then the thought that it might be urgent crossed his mind.

His pale, trembling hands reached over for it, hitting the green button to answer it. 

“Loki!”

He flinched, her voice loud in his ear. “What,” he snipped a little. 

“Loki, you have to come see this!”

He fell back against the bed, flat. “What is it,” he asked, not really in the mood.

“Just trust me.”

Well, he thought. Damn. 

He moaned, hanging up the phone. He honestly was going to ignore it, but something about the way she said to trust her was eating at him. So, he got up and started to head to the door.

But then, as if out of nowhere, the ground beneath him started to shake ever so slightly, the glasses in the kitchen clinking together in proof. His feet were taking him to the window, where he wrenched back the curtains.

There, looming over the clouds and slowly sliding into a view, was a ship. 

Urgent indeed...

He ran.

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t think I wrote Tony very well, but I’m trying. I’ve never actually written Tony now that I think about it.
> 
> Any tips!?


End file.
